DS1 very anxious and sad - not sure what to do

[notfromaroundhere]

DS1 is 3.5 dx ASD.

He's been at his current preschool since October and settled immediately, looked forward to going, constantly asked to go etc etc. (he had been at another one which was completely disastrous). He goes 2 sessions a week.

In January he started at a development nursery again for 2 sessions a week. It's run by 2 experienced nursery nurses and there was originally 4 other children and now there are just 2. His placement there will finish at Easter.

About a month ago he started crying at his preschool and he has become progressively more clingy and upset about going there and me leaving him. I found out his keyworker was due to leave so all the other staff there had been approaching DS1 rather than just his keyworker and the manager. His keyworker has now left and he doesn't have another one yet. I've been told he is absolutely fine once I have gone.

He is also upset and anxious about me leaving him at nursery but not as much. The nursery nurse says he plays well but constantly runs up to give her a cuddle and needs lots of reassurance.

It's spilling over into home now, he spends a lot of time being upset, constantly needing cuddles, saying he is scared of various things (food, the wind, me?, books, tv, toys etc) and his tantrums are ever increasing.

The most I can get out of him is that when he is at preschool he just wants to go home. He never asks for anything he needs there (toilet, drink, top zipping up etc) and I just don't know how to tackle it as on the face of it he will look fine but in reality he is storing it all up for when I collect him and the afternoons are just miserable right-offs.

Any suggestions on what I can do to reverse this situation?

I am sorry I dont have any suggestions as I am in the exact same boat as you right now. I just wanted to say you have my sympathy I know how hard it is to worry your child is upset and not able to help themselves. And I will bump this and hope someone else comes along who is more experienced than me.

Thanks, knowing I'm not alone does help. He cried and moaned for a full 45 minutes after I'd picked him up for preschool then snapped out of it and is now in a good mood. For the time being at least!

Blimey, that's not an easy one to guess. Something's bothering him, but as you're observing, we just don't think to tell other people when something is wrong. Sometimes we don't know ourselves, which doesn't help a lot either.

A change of key worker/disruption over who his keyworker is will definitely leave him nervous about things. Each person has a different smell, wears different colours and textures even in things like jewellery, speaks in a different way (faster, slower) using different combinations of words. And will use different ways to get the child to do something. Because we're often(not always) hypersensitive to tiny differences, it's like turning on the tele expecting to see Harry Hill's TV Burp and ending up with Panorama's programme on nuclear physics, or vice-versa. Totally baffling.

And if we don't know how the person will react, no way will we ask for something. No way on this earth. Even now, if I have to ask someone I don't know a question about something, I'm a bundle of nerves. Silly, eh? Grown woman with a family and business and yet one question about rail tickets/whatever and I'm less competent than the average 5 yr old.

So I guess I'd be asking them if they can keep it more consistent and ask him directly (maybe a picture to hand to them or point at) about those different things he might need?

when my little boy was at nursery and his teaching assistant was not going to be there they explained to him what was happening and only one other assistant was introduced and it was explained what his likes and dislikes were and how to approach him.

If your little boy is getting to many people trying to work with him he will be getting confused and distressed as each nursery teacher will work differently with him and he will be upset by too much change in such a short space of time.

He will also see two other children and his keyworker have gone and will assume that once you leave him on a morning you will not be coming back. When they work with your little boy do they use pictures? Mine used pictures for various stages of the day.Could the school put up a picture of you with a smile (or hugging your little boy)and a picture of a clock showing the time you will be back so he can see when you are coming for him. You probably think he doesn't know the time I thought that with my little boy but he always knew when I would appear and was quite happy.

I don't know if this will help but if he's reassured you will be back things might get better.

Thanks for your replies. It was nursery today and he was better than yesterday at preschool but shied away from the group games and snack time that he normally loves. We've had a repeat of the non-stop tears and tantrum since I got collected him and got him in the car and I am not sure I can do this 4 afternoons a week.

The nursery nurse is going into his preschool on Monday and is going to stress to them that he needs 1 person to work with him and to really concentrate on giving him simple clear instructions.

The main problem at preschool is he is passive and he is pretty good at sussing out whether he should say yes or no in reply to a question but may not have entirely understood it; when I say he is unsettled and unhappy they don't really see it there beyond clinging to me when I try and leave him which all children do at some point.

Only thing is I am not sure preschool can offer the extra support without getting him some funding as they've had a few new younger children start and already have children with more significant SN than my DS1 there.