can't see wood for the trees

[makingsense]

I am looking for some help to make sense of this situation as I can't work out if too much is being expected of me. I have read the SN board for a while now to get some ideas but really need to know how to handle this. I am not entirely sure if this is a MIL issue or an SN issue either.

Basically, MIL lives with SIL and BIL and their two children who have SN. SIL and BIL both work so MIL takes care of all childcare and housework/cooking/shopping during the week and comes to our's for the weekend as she is done in by then. Although it is hard for her, it is her choice to do all this as she wants to help BIL and SIL.

IMO she does too much for them but OTOH I can see why she does it as BIL and SIL are not great at engaging and looking after the kids. SIL has a demanding and pressured job. I don't think she has really come to terms with the dc's dx (which was made about five years ago) and she has become very detached from the dc's and their needs.

During school holidays I help out a lot - they either come here or we'll go there and now MIL is bringing one dc with her when she comes over at weekends.

I do not have a problem with them coming but I feel that MIL has taken on too much, through her own choice, and is now expecting us to take on responsibility for BIL and SIL's dc's as well.

The thing is that if she doesn't, the dc's won't get much attention from their parents. It's not that they are neglected, just that they are hard work and SIL and BIL, who are lovely people, do the basics but do not really think through what they need eg the possibility of a special school for dc1 has been on the table for six months now but SIL still has not been to see it. She is just so engrossed in her work and I think this is partly due to the fact that she is still grieving for the kids dx and her job is the one thing in her life that is going right.

I know this is long and but I would welcome some other perspectives as I can't really talk about it with anyone in RL.

BIL and SIL are going to have to come to terms with their DC's Dx, and take responsibility for their children. However easier said than done. It seems thru MIL's kindness (as commendable as it is), she has in fact 'made a rod for her own back' and let the parents slip into the background, and 'off the hook' - MIL cant possibly take responsibility for these children and she shouldnt have to. It was wonderful that she helped out in times of need... but enough is enough, its time for parents to stand on their own 2 feet and act like parents. Perhaps counciling would help? but how you would get them there is another thing entirely, perhaps they dont see whats wrong with this picture!?! Another thought that comes to mind is that, it is possible that their lack of interest has nothing to do with their childrens SN and would have been like this anyway?

I can also understand why MIL has involved you, its hard work, but she needs to hand back the reins to their parents. If both BIL and SIL are working, why do they not have their own place? cruel to be kind, seems the answer here, but how it can be done, Im really not sure. BIL and SIL are taking advantage of a kind woman, they had these children, they need to take care of them, the children are entitled to Mum and Dad too, not just Grandma.

Im sorry i cant offer more useful advise. {HUGS}

Sorry misread, MIL lives WITH bil and sil... live in free nanny comes to mind. perhaps MIL feels an obligation to help in that case? Could she move out instead?

Thank you so much for responding misscutandstick and FioFio. Yes MIL does feel an obligation to help and this is to make up for the shortcomings of BIL - he is a nice person but not really able to take on the financial or emotional responsibilities of his family. It is also in her nature to sort of take over and I think in some ways she likes it and likes to feel needed. She is also quite inflexible and likes to do things her way and gets really irritable sometimes so it is not a black and white situation.

But this is clearly a case of the more you do for people the more they expect. MIL does tell SIL that she can't cope. SIL's answer is to find a nanny/home help but MIL doesn't want to be responsible for anyone as SIL wouldn't be around.

I agree that SIL and BIL need to take more responsibility. It is just not fun there for the dcs, they always want to come to our's. I don't like to give SIL too much advice as she probably rightly feels that I have things easy compared to her.

Yes FioFio, it would be but the problem is that MIL won't agree to it. We have also suggested getting a cleaner but she just doesn't want someone in the house that she has to "oversee" as she is very particular.

hmm, MIL wants to take charge of everything (sounds familiar but will save MIL rant for later) and SIL & BIL are happy to let her... i dont think theres much you can do, unfortunately.

I know misscutandstick but the thing is that MIL has always, in subtle ways, pushed for us to do more and more for the dcs (eg saying that I would be good at teachng them academic stuff as I am so patient) and I am torn between wanting to help them and feeling that I did not ask for this responsibility. She has this expectation that we should help, and to some extent I do agree that we are all part of the same family and should help each other out, but I also think that they are looking for someone to take the responsibility off them.