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Original poster

Would you tell a friend if you suspected her son has Aspergers?

15 replies

Marne · 27/02/2009 13:51

Hi, my friends (well she's a family member) little boy shows a few AS traits, i'm not sure if i notice these things just because my dd's are on the spectrum, i have noticed the following traits in him;

  • He repeats things, eg, get your shoes.
  • He's a very fussy eater.
  • He finds it hard to sit still for more than 5 seconds.
  • He looks at things in great detail, such as details in pictures hung on a cafe wall.
  • He speaks in the same tone (same as dd1)
  • He loves routine
  • He has started to humm when he eats
  • Sometimes he goes into a little world of his own and doesn't respond when you call him.
  • He's a poor sleeper, wakes in the night and reeds his books.

He will be 4 in a few weeks. He seems so simalar to dd1 (as), my friend can see that he is like my dd but thinks all of his traits are normal.

Would you be worried by these traits or am i just looking too much into it.

Should i say anything to her?

OP posts:
Tclanger · 27/02/2009 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Marne · 27/02/2009 14:06

She my cousin but we are close (like sisters), she used to work with children with ASD (low functioning) so seems to think AS/ASD is more severe IYKWIM. I don't think she understands the other end of the spectrum, she tells me that my dd1(as)is a normal child.

OP posts:
Tclanger · 27/02/2009 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Marne · 27/02/2009 14:16

She seems to think because dd1 has good speech and loves cuddles that she is normal , she doesn't seem to understand the sensory issues which dd and her ds have.

I love Ambers posts, its great to hear things from a AS prospective.

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 27/02/2009 14:23

I wouldn't as it sounds like she doesn't want the penny to drop.

MannyMoeAndJack · 27/02/2009 14:25

It's a tricky one. Instead of coming right out and mentioning AS, you could perhaps ask her if she has any concerns about her ds's development? Does he go to nursery? Do they have any concerns? I think you should do some gentle probing before suggesting anything outright - if your friend really thinks her ds is 'OK' then it will be a big shock for her to hear you talking about AS. However, if she says she does have one or two concerns, then that could be your 'way in' to talking about AS.

Original poster
Marne · 27/02/2009 14:40

She does worry about his food issues but seems to think he's just a fussy eater (he goes weeks with just eating yoghurt and bread). She was concerned about his speech (he was a late talker and still has unclear speech).

He is a twin so she does compare him to his sister who is very verbal (a normal little girl).

I think i will have to tread carefully.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marne · 27/02/2009 14:42

He will be starting school in september so maybe the school will pick up on any probems. My DH thinks i should talk to her so her ds can get the help and suport he need before starting school but i don't want to risk our friendship.

OP posts:
MannyMoeAndJack · 27/02/2009 16:44

Very difficult really, catch 22.

It reminds me of my best friend from my late teens. I found out that her long-term boyfriend had been cheating on her (many times as it turned out) and attempted to broach the subject with her (I said something like, 'ask John how well he knows her (the other girl)' - my friend knew this other girl). Well, my friend didn't speak to me for about a month, thought I was stirring things up, then found out the sad truth, dumped him and came sobbing to me.

OTOH, If I'd never said anything but then told her I'd known all along (after she'd found out), then would she have preferred that?

MannyMoeAndJack · 27/02/2009 16:48

However, I should add that my anecdote is not a fair comparison of your situation because I knew for sure that this guy was cheating - how sure are you that your friend's ds is AS?

wannaBe · 27/02/2009 16:52

there is no right answer IMO.

It's possible that she knows there is something different with her ds, and she is "normalizing" your dd's as trates in order to confirm to herself that her ds is "normal" iyswim?

Rather than giving her a definitive opinion of what you think is the issue, perhaps you could latch on to the issues she knows are there? so for instance, she is worried about his eating, perhaps you could suggest that she go and see her gp/hv and ask for a referral to a paediatrician? and then maybe she could get some advice via that route if that makes sense?

sickofsocalledexperts · 27/02/2009 16:57

I wouldn't - I think the messenger will get shot and it could harm your friendship. She needs to come to it in her own time. Just don't lie if she asks point blank, but be tactful.

Original poster
Marne · 27/02/2009 17:46

Thank you.

MannyMoe, im not 100% sure he has it but he shows almost all of dd1's traits (AS) and a few of dd2's traits (ASD).

WannaBe- great advice, i think i will talk to her about his food issues and try and get her to talk to her GP.

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 27/02/2009 17:55

completely agree with wannabe.

webstermum · 27/02/2009 19:24

I would say something if i were you, not outright because you don't know for sure but you should let her know. When my DS was dx with ASD aged 4.5 a member of my family said to me they had known for some time that there was something not NT about him. I was obviously very upset at the dx but equally upset that they hadn't felt they could speak to me about their suspicions. It could have helped me get a dx sooner and reassured me that I was not the only one who felt this way about him

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