Should we tell DD1 that DD2 has AS??

[Sazisi]

DD2 was diagnosed by a psychiatrist last week and it's still all sinking in..
(I've spent the last few days being depressed and all sorry for myself {hmm}, but I'm finally trying to get my head around the practicalities)
We've told our parents, which was fine (my parents already had one gc with AS so have some understanding of it), now I'd quite like to tell DD1. DH doesn't. She's 9, easy to talk to and quick to grasp new ideas. She can be really impatient with DD2 (who is quite deliberately annoying to be fair!) and isn't above winding her up on occasion (DD2 has a very short fuse). So I'm thinking if I fill DD1 in and appeal to her better nature, I might have a less fractious household (DH isn't convinced 9 year-old girls have a bettetr nature, but he did have an especially evil big sister!)
Any thoughts?

Oh sheesh what a badly written op

I'm running off to belatedly make dinner, but will check in after..

How old is dd2? Fine to tell dd1 but you'll have to tell dd2 at the same time (not necessarily literally I mean around the same time) or dd2 is going to find out from dd1 and could well be annoyed.

Ds1's younger brothers (aged 4 and 7) know that ds1 is autistic btw. They've always known and both have told others that he's autistic from the time they could speak. But ds1 is severely autistic so we haven't had to consider the impact of him finding out in quite the same way as if he was higher functioning (although I think he knows).

The NAS does a selection of books for children about autism and AS.

DD2 will be 4 on Sunday...so we think probably too young to be told just yet. Not sure when the right time will be, but it's not now..
Yes, part of DH's concern is that DD1 will tell her. Or even tease her about it, though I don't think that's likely

Maybe hold off until dd2 is old enough to be told.

I have 2 dd's, one with AS (aged 5) and one with ASD (age 3), dd1 knows she is different but she doesn't know she has Aspergers. She knows her sister can't talk but doesn't know she has ASD.

Someone recomended this book to me.

Thanks for your replies

I suppose I will hold off for now anyway. I'm just feeling very defensive of DD2 right now and wish DD1 would be kinder to her I can still just keep on at her to be, but she said this week it's obvious DD2 is my favourite which isn't true; I'm just very protective of her now. Did you feel this way when your DC were first daignosed?

I remember you both from my thread about a month ago. I didn't think getting a diagnosis would be a big deal to me, but it's been a hard blow having my suspicions confirmed. DH, who hadn't thought AS likely, seems to have taken it in his stride. It's all back-to-front

so many 'justs' in my middle paragraph there

I think ds2 and ds3 are more understanding/protective of ds1 because they know his difficulties and they have a name. From about the age of 2 ds3 has frequently told people 'don't you tell my brother off he doesn't understand he's autistic' so it can certainly have that affect (not that they don't sometimes fight like any other siblings). It does also give them an explanation as to why ds1 sometimes 'gets away' with things they're not allowed to do and why he sometimes needs full attention (although tbh that's the one they least accept- rightly - so I have to be careful that the extra attention is unnoticeable/not all the time).

It always takes a while to come to terms with the dx. Lots of positive stuff out there on the internet about AS though. A good book is Luke Jacksons Freaks geeks and Asperger's syndrome. Written when he was 13 it's a good insight for parents.

Here's Freaks Geeks and Aspergers Syndrome

Thanks MrsT, I've added it to my basket which is full of books on AS now :D

I really think it would make DD1 more understanding; she is capable of being quite sweet and sisterly. I better wait until DH and I have our heads around the dx then decide. She has been asking questions (and I've been fobbing her off) so I suppose it may happen organically when the time seems right.

I would tell.
My Ds1 really grasped what was going on with his brother and it made sense to him that some of the things that DS2 did were not deliberate or mean. It really brought out the protective side of him and he tried really hard to understand all that he could.
We told DD as soon as she was old enough to recognise any differences in her brother from 'mainstream'.
She too is very protective.
Mosat importantly it put my behaviour toward DS2 in context for the other two. They now understand why I treat him a little differently at times and they understand rather than resent it.

I also tend to feel that secrets imply guilt or shame and none of my three children should be feeling any of those things. My DS2 has autism. It is something he has . It doesn't make him bad or dreadful. Just a bit different

I would let her know. She will understand what you are telling her, and the books are a good idea.

My ds1 was told about ds2 shortly after he was dx last year, when ds1 was 5. He seems to understand now why ds2 acts a bit "odd" sometimes, and sticks up for him when others have a go at him. He discribes his little brother as being "autismic" which I think is fantastic.

He even tells his aunty, who has the shortest temper, that "ds2 is autismic so doesnt understand"

Have you thought about talking to DD1's teacher? She/He might be able to incorporate it into a lesson/topic?

Frasersmum, that's a wicked idea - thanks DD1's teacher is wonderful and I think she might welcome a discussion about special needs.

Pagwatch, your kids sound fantastic.
I agree with you, I did suggest to DH that making a secret of it implies shame, which he refutes and we just ended up arguing
I know he's just feeling protective (basically he's concerned DD1's friends might call DD2 names). His younger sister has Down's so he has probably a good idea how cruel children can be in that way.

5inthebed (love that name - it could be me, we end up like that some mornings!) that's really sweet, your DS1 is a darling