aibu to be very upset

[cory]

at a conversation I've just had with a close relative. Re a man who recently died untimely in middle age. And this person said it must come as a relief to the family.

Why? Was he suffering horrendous pain from some ghastly degenerative disease? No.

Was he a rapist? A murderer? A sadistic bully? No.

Had he suffered such horrendous abuse that you could never imagine him having a decent quality of life? No.

He had Downs syndrome.

I feel the whole of humanity is devalued by that comment. And to be honest it's made me a bit tearful. Because the person who said it was someone I really believe and trust in, someone who has taught me a lot of what I feel is good about me.

YANBU. That's vile, it's a bloody tragedy, not a relief.

Not excusing it at all, but maybe they meant that the family would be spared the worry of who would love him or care for him when they have gone. My sister has DS, and to be brutally frank, I worry every day about what will happen when my parents die.

Perhaps they also meant that the family would be spared the heartache of seeing the person they love with DS get demetia, because the incidence of demetia in people with DS is very high and it starts at a younger age.

I think your friend could have phrased it better, and maybe didn't mean it to sound like it did.

oh it's horrible and yes it does say something about how people see disability. Ghosty told a story on here about a very severely disabled child dying as a 5 year old. Apparently the mother gave a speech at the funeral saying that she knew people would be thinking it was a relief and she said that it absolutely wasn't and if she could swap the rest of her life for 10 more minutes with her dd she would (or something like that).

It's discussed in a real boy too. The authors son is severely autistic and nearly choked to death one day. Afterwards he imagined a funeral and people doing all the 'for the best' thing and he imagined how angry he would be with people crass enough to say it.

No-one understands that you love a learning disabled child as much as your other children until they become a parent of a learning disabled child. It's something people just don't get.

It was the way she jumped to conclusions about the quality of life he had/could have without his parents. We neither of us knew him well, but as far as I could understand he was able to hold down a job and have a certain level of independence.

Anyway, without knowing the family well, how could you know what his possibilities were?

The person who said this was elderly - the man who died was in his forties. As far as I can see, the chances of her needing dementia care any time soon are still higher than his if he had lived. Should I arrange for that accident now?

i am shocked at that comment several of my friends have children with down syndrome and at no point would i think if the worst ever did happen what a relief

That is a disgraceful comment to make! How can people actually think that?

Huge numbers of people get dementia, even without Down's syndrome. Huge numbers have a shorter life.

Is it a relief if the average person in the street therefore dies early? Nope, didn't think so. It's not a good comment to make, not even if meant well. A person is a person, valued, loved, part of the community. The moment we think of it as a relief to have them gone, we have disrespected who they are, I feel.