do you find yourself being really envious just seeing photos of other peoples kids?

[anniebear]

Or am I just a bitter old woman?!

Just seen a photo of a little girl on Facebook, parents are friends of my husband but he hasnt seen them for quite a few years

I am pleased for them that they have a gorgeous perfect daughter

But I also get envious looking thinking how perfect their lives seem

How terrible am I?

Thats the side of facebook I dont like

"*** kids slept in till 8pm

*** is watching a film with her gorgeous children all together on the setee

has just got back froma family trip to the cinema

Grrrrrrrrrrrr

I'm sure it must be ok to be bitter sometimes. Dont beat yourself up. And I know what you mean. But my DS is ASD and looks "normal" but I can assure you we are going through a living hell. Not that I think you want to take comfort in other people suffering - I dont think that at all! Just that it isnt necessarily as good as it looks. But I feel for you.

I don't. My chikdren are gorgeous - all of them.
and i am pretty sure my life looks perfec
ty from the outside too, - that is very far from the whole story. In fact after posting my snow photos I got lots of 'can i swap' posts. They really wouldn't want to - however things may look.

Don't compare. you have no idea what the reality of other peoples lives turn out to be

Not with photos as much (my dd's don't look like they have SN when they are sat still) but i feel bitter when i see people out and about with there children doing things that my dd's can't/wont do. I also feel bitter when people are telling there children to 'shut up' or 'stop talking' as i would give anything for dd2 to talk non stop (or to talk at all). I also hate it when people look at dd2 in the buggy and say 'i wish mine was that quiet' .

I hate going to softplay and seeing children climbing and talking to each other as dd2 flaps and holds her ears and dd1 struggles to climb a small step.

Maybe i'm a bitter old woman .

I do try and look on the bright side, my dd's are kind, gentle and have a lot of talents that other non-autistic children hav'nt, like remembering phone numbers, completing a 50 piece jigsaw in 3 minutes and doing maths equations .

i envy the normal doings for a day , day trips etc but my son is gorgeous so i dont envy there children just the normality of doing certain things

but some people envy me too not my son having ASD but the closeness myself and my son have regardless of all the problems in the way

It is difficult, but agree with others, FB is not the place to compare. My two look like perfect little angels on there, I don't post the pics where they've trashed the house or are sitting on each other! Also, even out and about people don't always realise, we were out for lunch on Sunday with ds1 and 2, aged 3.6 and 1.6 respectively (can be stressful but I make myself do it so they get used to it). After a while, a lady came over to us with her small ds, who had been running about, and said, "look, see how well these children are behaving"

I do notice the odd look when ds1 is talking as his speech is unclear and can be very jumbled and although only 3 he looks at least a year older. Stuff them, I think now, (and I was previously a fairly shy person who never wanted to draw attention to myself), now I find myself singing little donkey along with him while out in the supermarket!

It is still all about looking at things and taking the 'imahe' and ignoring the reality.

Of course there are loads of things that DS2 can't do but there are so many things about him that I would never swap.

And to be honest sometimes I see DS1 and DDs friends/peers and there parents and i think that actually we are incredibly lucky.
We love each other, we take nothing for granted and we value every good thing that happens.

Of course it is hard but there are all sorts of people to compare yourself with

Years ago I remember seeing a photo of John Travolta (who I've always loved ) and family and thinking that they had perfect lives and now they have had the worst tragedy for any parent. Pagwatch, I agree with what you say about not knowing other people's reality.

I think it is really important to appreciate what you have and not focus on what you don't.

Sometimes I feel a little bitter, I have to admit, especially when my 6 year old is shouting 'get him away from me' about his two year old brother who only wants to see what he is doing, when he fights because something of his has moved a millimetre to the left or whatever, and I do wonder how it is to not have this asd in your lives.I hate it when I attempt to take him somewhere and he spends te whole time under a table humming with his hands over his ears, I feel sad for him and guilty that I brought him to this place where he can't cope with the overload, and people keep trying to talk to him, and he is about to explode and \i have to look for an exit quickly. And how am I going to do that when my two year old won't walk past people, and my 3 year old is also in meltdown because he can't stand my 6 year old's humming and two year old's screaming and is lying on the floor kicking and screaming. Yes then I do, feel bitter, and quite jealous, and angry that they refuse to understand my children and their problems and instead whisper about me and make stupid ass comments.
I hate that I have to spend half-term cooped up in my house, but atleast the kids are happy.
But then today my 6 year old gave me kiss on the cheek, and all the bitterness melted away. I appreciate every nice moment with my kids and hold on to those and try to remember them when feeling lousy. Parents of nt kids are full of their own little battles and don't really appreciate the lovely moments

Can I just say all of you mums of ADS children are wonderful? My son is up for a CDC assessment and I've been worried sick, but reading your posts made me feel rather ashamed of myself, because you have children with ADS and cope and manage to laugh and are bringing them up with so much love. So, if it turns out that my son is on the spectrum, I hope I can be like you - thanks

sc134 thats really kind of you we all parent to the best of our abilities and youi just deal what comes your way

remember mn is great though for all the advise it helps me be a good parent as i know im not alone and the ongoing support is a comfort to me if im struggling

as you are and will be a good mum whatever the outcome good luck let us know how he gets on xx

My DD doesnt look as though she has SN,

and yes I realsie that peoples lives may look perfect but doesnt mean they are!

I just would like a turn of theres now and again! although I love my DD's very much!

But Im still obviously a bitter old woman lol lol

Oh Fio - I know what you mean. I finally put baby pictures of DS2 up on the walls in the hall with the other two just a year or so ago. For ages I couldn't look at them without thinking of the child he had been before he regressed.

And OP - I am really sorry if my posts were sounding as though I think you are wrong to feel sad. I was trying to say that it took me a long time to realise that everyone has sadness and that people always present the happy stuff and hide their hurt. That comforts me a bit - that we all have struggles. But of course it is hard to think of the life you expected to have when it is reflected back to you in 'normal' lives.

I would never put anything about DS's SN on facebook, so people that don't know us well (say old school"friends) would think all was fine and dandy iyswim. But I think different things bring home the difference and twang the heartstrings so I don't think you are at all wrong to feel sadness.

Fio - I sort of know what you mean too - I sometimes think wistfully back to the innocent baby days, where I didn't have all these worries about DS.

I usually feel pretty blessed and certainly compared with some of you on here I have an easy life, ds only has mild cp. But I saw a little girl his age in soft play a few weeks back, cruising climbing, crawling everything. That gave a little twang.

But the thing that really got me was that mum did not seem to enjoy her at all. I commented how well she did and mum just talked about things she did not do , complaining she was not sleeping through yet.

I so consciously enjoy whatever ds can do, and it does get all over facebook, he has a whole fanclub who keep up with his development.

pagwatch , don't worry ,didnt think anything of it ,

Just not having a good few days !

I don't so much feel envious of other children when I see them sitting playing, walking, running about discovering new things.

Just very sad that my ds can't do these things and nobody can tell me if he ever will.

I do find it upsetting- but have good days and bad.

He gives me joy on every little thing that he can do.

Facebook is a whole new world, and I do feel envious of friends who put progress reports of their dcs, especially those the same age as ds2. If I were to do my status' based on ds2 they would be a cry for help sometimes I fear

They would be along the lines of

5inthebed has had no sleep as ds2 decided to get up at 3am and switch all the lights, taps and cooker on in the house

5inthebed has been washing poo off ds2's bedroom walls again

5inthebed is so pleased that ds2 managed to eat a pea today!!!!!

Dont think it would have the same effect as

* is refreshed after DC slept for 14 hours solid last night.

I would not change my children for the world, ds is who I fell in love with, all his little quirks are what makes him who he is an adorable little boy who would melt anyones heart.

I agree with the others, I get the odd pang, when I see a child tucking into a full sunday lunch. But I will be eternally grateful I have 2 loving children, it took me 5 years to have Alfie, and I sometimes say, god was having a laugh and saying, right you want a child Im gonna give you x y and z you deal with it.

ps I dont think your bitter at all, overworked maybe.

I don't get all that upset at seeing DD with children her own age....she is a twin so I think I had to get over that one a bit quicker or I would have never got up in the mornings!!

But........Its the younger ones I find it hard seeing her with.....little ones that were babies when DD started school and now they are overtaking her in some ways and will overtake her in everything in another year or so

when you say to some one about her and they reply "oh my 2 year old does that"

Or the friend I was telling really excitedly once "Oh DD has started pulling herself up" she replied "Oh is doing that"...... * was 9 months old, my DD was 3

having a good old moan aren't I...can you tell it's the school hols lol

Can I just say DD is very hard work but also a miracle and a gorgeous funny caring little girl [smil]

How insensitive anniebear. Reminds me of how my friend seemed to think I would want to swap potty training notes - when her DS was 18 months and mine was 3.5! I find it hard as well when kids that are a year or two younger than DS can seem rather more able in some ways.

Its so hard isnt it,

Like the friend who asked me would I put DD into care when she was older?!!!

DD was 3 at the time!!!!!!!!!!!

ps, dont see her anymore lol

I don't mind photos because of course my ds is incredibly handsome! And I know how often other peoples' angelic children turn out to be spoilt brats from hell.

Certain things do give me a pang though. One place I really feel the difference between our life and 'normal' family life is on a campsite. All the other children are out from dawn til dusk, making friends, building dens, playing on their bikes etc, and the other parents are relaxing with a book, sipping wine and chatting. Dh and I spend the entire holiday on alert so that ds doesn't escape or get run over, and none of the other kids want to play with him. I don't let it spoil our holiday but it does hurt, especially when I remember the fantastic feeling of freedom my sister and I enjoyed as children on similar holidays. I wanted that for my children too.

I also hate seeing ds next to younger children, even his siblings. I've always hated the way they run faster than him, scooter without end up sitting on it, swim better than him, pedal a bike. It makes me sad the way they can easily push him flat onto his back even though he is 3 years older and a lot taller. Then run circles around him in soft paly or at the park, and I worry when their fine motor overtakes him too. They can already eat better than him.

And when you have an awful day, because dc has done xyz, and try to tell somebody about that and they say, oh mine does that too - 'cept their child is 3/4 years younger!

we had a bad day yesterday ds1 legs were causing a lot of pain and he fell badly quite a few times, resulting in some lovely bruises and a bashed head. He's getting to the age now where children don't usually fall over all the time, and it gets more and more noticeable how much his problem do affect him.

I laid in bed last ngiht, unnable to sleep and wondering whether should go back to the dr or paed and imagining what he would have been like like without all his problems. Thing was though, the boy I imagined wasn't really ds.