Need some advice from you lovely ladies!

[Squirdle]

DS2 is not SN, but one of his best friends has autism. They get on very well most of the time, but recently things have started to go a bit wrong.

DS2 has started to realise that he doesn't get to spend time with his other friends. His words were that if he goes to play with another friend then his BF (so to speak) gets very sad. DS will invite BF to play, but BF doesn't want to play the game they are playing and so DS being the lovely little soul he is will go and play with BF because he hates making anyone sad. BF also has a habit of speaking very loudly and over DS and DS feels he doesn't get to say anything.

Now I know BF can't help this and I have tried to explain to DS that people are different and have different personalities, but I don't want to explain about the autism to DS as his BF is just BF iyswim.

I have spoken to their teacher about ti and she was aware of it and is trying to make some changes ie BF being encouraged to play more with others etc.

The problem I have got is BF mum (who is a friend of mine and a fabulous lady) I have always known how anxious she is about her son mixing well and get on with other children and I know she was so happy when our boys 'found' each other. Up until now, the autism hasn't been an issue...BF is just the same as my boys afaik. But this morning my friend said she was sadly feeling our boys were parting a little and that she was worried about how her son would take it. I totally understnad her worries and tried reassure her that I didn't feel they wouldn't play together, just that they would play with other children sometimes too.

I'm thinking that maybe I should just have a chat with her, explain how DS is feeling and hopefully we can both try to work something out. Or would that be the wrong thing to do?

I really don't want to upset her...I really like her and her son (he is such a fab boy )

Tbh, this could happen with any friendship at this age, I just feel it is a little more sensitive.

I need to go out now, so I will reply later. I'm not ignoring you

Sorry no advice, but you and your DS sound lovely. I also love when children and their parents always go out of there way to talk and try include my DD (who is in a wheelchair and unable to communicate, but will make it known by smiling that she is happy when they talk to her)

Sorry I know not helpful at all but I know nothing about autism and whats best to do, but I know I appreciate all of DD's friends.

What a kind and thoughtful boy your son is. My sons is only 3.4 so still at preschool and he has found a special friend there. I am of course delighted, but no way on earth would I want his little friend to be responsible for my son's socialising. The preschool do encourage him to talk to his friend but they also encourage play with the rest of the children. I can't obviously speak for your friend, but I would hazard a guess she would feel the same (i.e. she is happy they are friends but your son isn't responsible for her son's happiness).

I would perhaps broach it from the angle of how you hope the school etc will encourage her son to play more with the other children so that their friendship does continue to grow IYSWIM. Maybe brainstorm some games that her DS might enjoy with the other children and get his mum to suggest them to the teacher.

I should also have said my son is DX with ASD. Hopefully my last post makes more sense now!

Tricky.

We love playing with people, but are scared sick of a) any game where the rules might not be explained well enough or we don't know what will happen next or there's physical contact or balance involved and b) trying to switch attention between more than one person. It's like you putting the tele, the radio and the CD player all on to different stations at full blast and then trying to follow all three things at once. Totally overwhelming,and 'painful' for us.

If you can explain the 'why' to your son without explaining what's doing it, I guess it might help a bit. He's definitely not responsible for the other lad's happiness, no, but he's a good friend and it might help to explain why his friend is worried about a group game or a game where he's not sure of the rules. Perhaps an adult can help do a 'social story' of the rules of a new game for him so that he can understand them, for example? And expect him to need to learn them fairly carefully and slowly. We are suspicious of new things.

As for the talking over the top of people yes we do. And it's completely accidental because our ears and mouth don't connect to anywhere in the middle like yours do. We honestly can't hear someone talking if we're concentrating on something else, or speaking. And timing what to say when is a nightmare. Took me years and years to learn enough techniques to get round this problem, and I still sometimes get it wrong.

It might help your son;s friend to learn a 'stop talking' signal that your son can use when he wants a turn in talking. Not sure what works, but the mum may have an idea. My ds or dh get my attention by touching my arm or just saying my name then waiting for a few seconds, for example. It lets me switch off from what I was doing, and pay attention to them instead. Turn taking is SO important, so this lad would definitely benefit from practising it with your ds if it can be fun for both of them.

Your ds sounds lovely

Thank you everyone...you have all been so helpful. I will take on board your suggestions and chat to my friend (mum of BF)

I do worry that DS has become solely responsible for BF friend and had a little niggle in the back of my mind that I hoped the school wouldn't just expect/encourage DS to be just BF friend iyswim. They both need other friendships and this would be the case if BF didn't have autism too! Tbh I kind of take the fact that he has autism out of the equation a bit as apart from thses small matters it really doesn't have a bearing upon their friendship. However the mum has said that BF is more like a 4 yr old and actually I can see the way he doesn't 'get' some things is exactly like my 4 yr old DS (who co-incidently gets on very well with BF )

I will certainly think about what you have all said and definately think DS and BF will resolve this.

Thank you all.

And Amber thank you, your post makes a lot of sense. The only problem is trying to get a 6 yr old to understand. I will try though. I also don't want to use the word 'autism' to DS as I don't want to 'Label' BF. Like I say he is just BF to DS.

No need to use the word at all. If he can understand that his friend isn't doing this to be rude, then that's half the battle, I think.

"Some children need to play differently to you. BF needs to play with just one person because he can't listen to more than one person at a time. And he needs to know exactly what is going to happen in a game. That doesn't mean it has to be just you that he plays with, though. He can learn to play with someone else if he knows what the rules are for that game, and his Mum and the school can maybe help him with this too.

You can help him take turns in talking, which he's not good at yet. But if you don't want to, that's fine.If you need to stop him talking, you need to be clear and say "BF, stop talking, I need a turn to speak." Then wait for him to stop. If it doesn't work, wave a hand a bit in front of his face and say it again. "

Something like that...?

Amber that is perfect, thank you.

I just thought I'd update everyone and say that things seem to be going ok now. I took on board a lot of what you all said and I had a chat with the little boys mum.

I think she was concerned that DS was getting fed up with her son, but I reassured her that wasn't the case...simply that at times he wanted to play with others. I also mentioned a signal that DS could use when talking with his friend and she said she will work upon that with him. She realises it is a bit of a problem and although we both know he can't help it, she feels it is something he need to try to learn to control for his own benefit.

DS seems to be getting the time he needs with other friends and I think the school have encouraged this. It was very much DS and BF all of the time before, which was getting a bit much for DS I think. I also think the teacher and LSA encouraged the friendship and let them work together a lot as BF hadn't developed them before and are now encouraging him to develop other friendship as well as DS...which is fab for BF!

I am so glad it all seems to be ok now. I hated the thought that DS would be unhappy and start resenting the friendship and hated the thought of my friend (BF mum) worrying about the friendship...all she wants is for her little boy to have as normal a childhood as possible. And at the end of it all, they are still good friends...just not so much in each others pockets...which is far healthier.