In-laws in denial about DD - driving me mad!

[Wispabarsareback]

Does anyone else have an issue like this? DD2 is nearly 18 months old and has global developmental delay - she is very very tiny for her age, has numerous medical problems and isn't hitting any 'milestones' (a term I hate BTW). We've had some very difficult times in the last few months, but recently life has become easier - largely because DH and I have become much more accepting of the way DD is, and because we're now getting more in the way of services and support.

But MIL makes things difficult. She sees DD once a month or so, and she just can't or won't accept that there's anything 'wrong'. Every time we see her she tells us enthusiastically that DD has 'grown such a lot' or 'she's doing so much more' - and it just isn't true! DD2's growth and development are so very very slow, and I'd find it more supportive if MIL could listen to us tell her how things really are. I'm not expecting her to offer practical help (although what bliss if she offered to babysit occasionally...), but just to face up emotionally to what we're going through.

I've tried to work out why it upsets me, and I think there are two main reasons. First, because it feels like MIL isn't really accepting DD2 the way she is (her medical and developmental 'issues' are very much part of who she is, and we're so proud of her in so many ways, as she's come through such a lot). And second, because she's basically telling us we're wrong about DD2 - that DD is fine, just a bit 'behind' because of her heart condition, when we know that it's a bit more complicated than that.

We saw PILs this afternoon and I've been in a tizzy ever since. I knew what the pattern would be, and tried to prepare myself to deal with it, but when MIL picked up DD and said 'oh she's grown so much', I'm afraid I accidentally rolled my eyes and muttered 'whatever'. Am a v bad DIL. And then at tea-time DD2 had a meltdown (quite a common occurrence, and it passes, though is quite hard work until it does) - and PILs couldn't leave the house fast enough.

Does this make any sense? I honestly don't expect anything more from them than an acknowledgement that DD2 is the way she is, and that sometimes things are very hard. Instead it feels like they are putting us under pressure to act as if everything is fine. And I resent that - I wish they could provide a bit of moral and emotional support.

Anyone experienced anything similar? And any advice on how to handle MIL with calmness and serenity??

this may not be helpful.. but in slightly comparable situation i was inclined to hte over positive which in retrosepct was not helplful... maybe they are doing the same...

could your dh have honest talkk with them without you there to explain their behavious is not helpful...

maybe get dh to show them growth chart with percentiles etc to show them they are talking nonsense, and that saying otherwise is not helping and making things harder for you...
after decent interval, maybe dh could suggest a coupld of hours childcare...

pls ingore if not applicable to your situation...

I have a similar situation. I have lived very far away form my Mum for years until 2years ago and we both moved to within half an hour away. At that time I also move away from my MIL.

My Mum has become very distant and will now and then take my other DC;s but has nothing to do with my DD who has CP, I took a breakdown and I told her, she said"im not supprised your trying to be the hero doing it yourself" still no help

I see my MIL every month or 2 and she is blinded and has been since DD was born, I do find myself being really cruel and negative about my DD to force the situation on my MIL. Can you think of the worst consultant you have spoken to re your DD and try to talk to them like that it does help, it hurts them like hell but it does hit home what you are dealing with(my MIL is very thick by the way, it takes alot of getting through to)

TO be fair though, if they dont see your DD for a month at a time she will have grown and do slightly different things that just wont seem as obviouse to you.

AN Idea might be to take a pic or a short vid clip each time MIL comes and see if its all she can say or she is trying to just be supportive and possitive in her on MILish way?

Josey - that's interesting re talking 'negatively' - I haven't made a conscious decision to do this, but I do find myself talking more negatively about DD2's progress to MIL than to anyone else, I guess to try to get her to see things the way they are.

Incidentally though - DD hasn't put on any weight in the last 2-3 months, and developmentally she's regressed a bit (this is the subject of ongoing investigations) - so they are definitely in cloud-cuckoo-land about her.

MIL does play with DD2 and talk to her - she just doesn't accept that DD is different to other babies, and that makes me feel panicked and pressured.

From the time I raised concerns about DS1 20 months until he was DX with ASD (3.2) my MIL was adamant he didn't have any difficulties. Conversations about it would be strained, she had "read books" and there was "absolutely no way DS1 was on the autism spectrum". She clung to new developments as evidence etc etc.

In the end I would just agree he was progressing but that it was not at the same rate as his peers and time would tell if it was a delay or a disorder. It gave the conversation nowhere to go.

(BTW I was really surprised when we got the DX she accepted it straight away. I knew she wouldn't be any different with DS1 as they adore each other but I did think she would say it was ridiculous so I was wrong about that. I was so convinced the Paediatrician gave me his number and said she could call him if she had trouble believing it).

My DD was born term bith the cord round her neck and didnt breath for a long time, she is very DDD but making progress, so when Im told something possitive from conultants and given the BUT IYKWIM that is the way I talk to DD......IE yes she can eat but she can aspirate which could KILL her over exg!!! or if she has a cold it goes to her chest and she get ventilated they will tell us to turn her off the machines!!! Its harsh but its reality at its worst....It makes her shocked and cry but it works and its the only way I can deal with her. Sorry long rambled.

Take the pics or vids and say what change can you see from before?I find it hard because im with her all the time? if you want to be nicer!!!

I actually dont like my MIL so dont have the issue with being cruel

Notfromaroundhere your MIL sounds as though she was trying to be possitive and supportive for you even though she thought the same TBH

my xMil wanted nothing to do with my ds gd ,non verbal etc ,but would buy lots things for my but thts the reson shes my x along with my xhubby now i dont have to be niceto her ,infact second psilt up with my x she dropped all the dc which suitedme just fine before i throttled her

opps to many thumbs and 3am waking taking affect

Wispa My MIL (and FIL before he died) were exactly the same when ds2 was going through dx for autism, and for a while afterwards as well. My IL's are very old and set in their ways, and I would put it down to the fact that autism wasnt around when they had kids and they had never heard of it before dx. (DS2 was only dx last year!) My MIL still doesnt understand 100% what is wrong with ds2, she hates the fact he is still in nappies. She thinks he will either grow out of it, or a tablet will cure him.

The way you have described it makes me think your MIL is trying to be supportive in her own way, but obviously not helping. Get your DH to hve a word with her, as her comments will only lead to an arguement eventually.

Wispa, my SIL always used to say 'ooh hasn't she come on' when I felt it was really obvious she hadn't and used to grit my teeth and stop myself saying 'really, in what way'. I do think she was just trying to be nice and positive and those are just standard baby type comments.

I always talk up the bad stuff now with my PILs and my Mum otherwise they think life is a picnic for us. All the grandparents are very hands off when it comes to childcare but they are like that with all the grandchildren.

My Mum and Dad were the same when Ds was diagnosed with Autism. They weren't so clued up on it and thought it meant he would be a genius and go far in life. Over time they have accepted that DS is behind and stop making the silly statements which weren't at all helpful. I think it a part of the denial process they go through. They do still come out with the occasional corker but I just ignore. It was hard at first because it does make you feel like you are being negative about your child but we know our children best.

Agree with all the above, I have often wondered what they would say if I was the one saying the silly things ' Oh I'm not worried lots of children don't speak 'til they are 10' 'Hardly any children go to mainstream school, do they ? It's normal to be massively delayed as far as I'm concerned.'

wispa - feel like i could've wrote yr message! I think they act like this for many reasons - one being denial. Another being a misplaced belief that they are being positive and upbeat and its what you want to hear / need to hear to keep you going. (aye am all for power of positive thought but like you I found this constant praising ? talking up and er blatant lying absolutely infuriating)

Also there's a lack of understanding to contend with - obv they are not going through it in the same way you are but they are still having to deal with - also not having access to the medics / professionals / info like you have.. they're getting their info second hand and perhaps then it is easier to shape it into something more palatable.

I dunno. The best tactic I've found is to accept compliments re dds progress but make sure they are real and grounded and relate to the tiny tiny things that are different. For example - when my mil would witter on that dd was really some genius that's climbed mountains.. I'd say yes - she's come through a lot (go over some of the illnesses / dramas / panics ).. she's starting to hold her head up for a second or two now. Like keep it positive but keep it realistic

Thanks pixie - and others - for your responses, which have cheered me up. I did laugh at cyberseraphim's quotes - I can actually hear MIL and step-FIL uttering these things in my head!

I am going to work on being a bit more gracious when they say misguided things about DD2's growth and progress. And DH is going to have a quiet word at some point (he says...) with MIL about it, without blowing the whole thing into some huge drama.

Positive but realistic, as pixie says - definitely the way to go.

aye beam back at her when she says 'isn't she getting big' or someat to that effect and state the 2 mm or so she's grown Oh I still get this one - t'other day mil was saying how tall she was, she'd really caught up blah blah and that she couldn't see any difference between her and other kids her age (DD is nearly 4 and spectactularly off the red book growth charts - my 16 mo ds is bigger than her and he has stoat legs) I proudly boasted that she was getting close to fitting the 18 - 24 mth clothes in the wardrobe with turn-ups

pixiemason, my dd4 is tiny 10.4 kg now, 3(4 in july)and 85cm. suspectd asd- has developental delays. i know what you mean with the comments "isnt she getting big" -makes you want to scream !my dd4 gets away with 2year clothes if shes got her cloth nappies on, in disposibles shes in 12-18months.

ah drlove8 - yrs is a tad taller and lighter than mine

do complete strangers assume she is a baby / toddler and make comments about having lots of hair and teeth? I'm quite puzzled at this one cos I reckon dd has older looking face and is obviously her age - just tiny

This is exactly the situation I find myself in with my MIL and I am afraid I have just backed away from dealing with it - which is quite childish I know but I cant deal with it any other way without getting upset.

For example, I told her the HV was getting us a Paeds appointment, and she said 'that will be a waste of his time', she makes up stuff that DS can do 'for her' when I know damn well he cant, and she tells me that he doesnt talk because he doesnt need to because I run round doing everything for him - which is all cr@p! I know it is because she wont take DS out like she used to because he is too hard to deal with (her words)

So Im sorry that I cant tell you how to deal with the situation.

Is it just mils my mum knows the problems and trys to thinks of ways to help. Mil - "he is lazy, he doesnt need to talk cos blah blah" .The other day she was on the phone to DH and ds was creating at having his bum wiped. mil said cant he wipe his own bum, DH said he cant even shit in the potty yet which shut her up.
Just cos her boys were supposedly potty trained at 1 year old - sit em on the potty every hour and after meals tie them to it if needs be - oh the good old days

Here is a fab article to send to any PITA relatives.

What an excellent, excellent article - thanks for sharing that lovebuckets. There's a lot there that could apply to grandparents of children with a whole range of conditions.

pixi i get it all the time! lol dd4 has a twin, ds4- hes massive,brute of a boy- but still on the short side! get the old dears- " what lovely children" >reply thanks ,"what age are they" > reply they're 3." what ? both of them? are you sure?" ah that confused them ! lol....hilarious!