should i explain to this other mum about DS being autistic? and if so, how??? wwyd?

[belcantwait]

ds2 has High Functioning Autism/Aspergers. he is nearly 6 (in 3 days as he so kindly keeps pointing out lol). he is in mainstream school, is very very sweet and lovely but often gets things a bit 'wrong' often due to his literal thinking. anyway, i am frequently having mums come up to me saying that ds had done such and such to their child and sometimes the other mum knows about ds's autism and they are annoyed but understanding. if they dont know i dont mention his autism as i dont want to be seen to be making excuses as i understand also that they are angry as i would be fi something happened to one of my dc.

HOWEVER, before xmas hols, in fact on the last day, a mum who i liked (who actually speaks to me- not one of the playground clique!), told me she was really upset as her dd had come home from school with a bruise on her face and was crying becasue ds had punched her in the face. i apologised etc and said how unlike him it was etc etc but it wasnt til i picked him up at the end of the day that i got out of him what had happened. i am ashamed to say this is really the fault of dh. a coupkle of weeks previously ds had been picked on by some boys in yr above and was coming home with scratcheds pn his face. school werent helping and basically accused ds of lying about it so dh stupidly said to him 'if anyone hits you, you hit them back'. meaning obv children who were bullying him. so ds tells me X hit him in the arm and so he punched her in the face (cos daddy told him to hit if someone hits him [stupid man emoticon]).

so as this was the end of the term i didnt see her again til jan and she is now blatantly ignoring me. ds hasnt been invited to her dd's party and yet i know they play together at school in breaktime. i just dont want her to think ds is naughty or horrible becasue he's not- he is completely lovely and a real softie actually. but at the same time i dont want her to think i am making an excuse and i have left it quite late and dont even know how to bring the subject up with her. i did think about writing her a letter but thought thats a bit stupid.

arggggghhh! wwyd?

Oh dear, that sounds awful.

Would you want to be friends with her again? She sounds like she has taken a huge offence and while I can understand that she is upset her child has been hurt, I think that she could have been more understanding.

I am not sure I would explain as it is criticising your DH and while he has been a bit silly about telling your child to hit someone, why put him down to someone who has just dropped you?

It is all so hard - I also have a DS in mainstream (he's 6 in a couple of weeks). It is such a fine line between using it as , but he has a 1-to-1 as he's not high functioning so at least I have a witness! My theory is that I am always open and tell people straight off that my DS was born autistic, and therefore it affects his speech and his social abilities (the simplest way I can find of explaining it). But in this case, the situation is just like it would be for a normal kid - her kid hit him on the arm, so he hit her back. I think she needs to know her kid did something wrong too, as this sort of thing happens all the time with nf kids too and you can say that. Just say you need a quick word and you just want to clear the air.
You can tell her that you are explaining to him that aggression is never right. Try and tell her plainly and simply, without any emotion, then say you hope you can still be friends as the kids still play together so it's obviously not created a serious rift! Then walk and talk to someone else and give her time to digest it as her kneejerk reaction may not be good (we mums always stick up for our kids, of course). The reason I think it's important you do this is otherwise she will be tittle tattling incorrectly about what happened, and next time anything happens to do with aggression it's going to be the "special needs " kid who gets the blame. It is not easy this stuff - but in fact I had the exact same situation with my nf daughter, where an also nf (!) kid in her class was bullying. I went and told the mum, who at first hated and ignored me, but a few weeks later all is back to normal and her little madam is no longer a playground bully so it's a small price to pay! I do wish you luck though - in my previous life I managed hundreds of people and tricky office situations, but playground politics still leave me in a tizz too! It's best to approach the issue head-on and totally straight - "play it with a straight bat" as my dad puts it. I'll send you some courageous vibes!

thank you for your replies.
have put this in behaviour/development as well as wanted advice from both sides so am trying to answer two threads!

i dont think i will mention what dh said but i will say something about his AS and that he doesnt always respond appropriatly and will generalise situations eg her dd prob hit him by accident rather than the bullying boys hitting him on purpose.

the other prob is he doesnt feel pain as others would and that doesnt help with his lack of empathy either!

Hi, i have a dd with AS and a DD with ASD, i have only told one parent (my neighbour) about dd1's AS mainly because our dd's spend alot of time together and some of dd's traits are obvious when they are playing. I didn't want my neighbour thinking dd was badly behaved or oversensitive.

A lot of people ask about dd2 as she is non-verbal, some people are realy kind and ask me how dd'2 is getting on etc, others avoid us because they don't understand what ASD is.

Sorry but parents should not be approaching you about what happens at school.
I have a 9 yr old dd with AS. I know at our school parents have been given written warnings from the head about approaching parent's in the playground about things that happen at school. Maybe have a word with your senco/head?

tbh I think she is overreacting and even if he didnt have AS she would be. Kids fall out, parents falling out because of that is ridiculous. I understand she is upset but ffs the are 5! (nearly 6 )

I would invite her dd to tea to try and make thing up and if she refuses then stuff her.

For the record I have a nearly 10yo with AS and 3 younger, this kind of behaviour isnt limited to kids with AS so dont assume he is the only one in class to react like that at some point