For those of you whose DS SN's are not physically glaringly obvious...

[hereidrawtheline]

My DS has a lot of ASD problems and on Friday was told by a private specialist he is definitely on the spectrum, either HFA or AS. A lot of his stuff has been really negative lately, we've had a lot of meltdowns and hitting and crying and upset. Friday and Saturday morning my DH was talking about the ASD DX and seemed to pretty much accept it. Then last night he told me he wasnt sure anymore as overall DS had a really good weekend with pretty much no meltdowns.

I was dreading this & new it would happen. DH has all along seemed much more "in denial" than I about DS's problems. Last night I pointed out to DH all the ASD things DS had done that werent so negative so easier to overlook. Like the constant repetition, ritual to all the games, saying the same sentence at the same event at the same time of day etc.

Anyway he just said he isnt sure. And I feel so alone. I am with DS 24/7 and I just want to have DH and friends & family accept it and move on. I feel like I have to prove there is something wrong with him which obviously I dont want to do. I cant go forwards if one day DH says he has ASD then he has a good day and he says maybe not and emotionally I have to start all over.

How do you cope? I feel like when I am talking to DH I am coming across as that I want DS to have ASD. That isnt it at all. I am just trying to show DH what I see so that we can all resolve this.

In the early days (dd1 was diagnosed at 2.5, and we had been in the system since she was 20 months old, so they really were early days!) dh was firmly in the "she'll catch up one day" camp. Initially dd1's problems were a huge speech delay, so I could see where he was coming from, but there was more to it - lots of everyday stuff that he didn't see as he was out at work.

It was very hard, being surrounded by people whho thought I was being, for want of a better phrase, a pushy mum. One who wanted more form her child, and wanted it now, etc. Even the hv's I was talking to at the time kept dismissing my fears ("she plays on her own for an hour without missing you? that's great, you must get lots done around the house" - dd1 was 8 months old )

dh did come around, and surprisingly easily. From the very first (useless) appointment with a community paed, he was more onside because he could see that the paed was talking nonsense. When the report came through, he read it, and pointed out several errors. So he pushed for the next appointment because he wanted those eroors rectified (not quite the same reason I wanted the appt, but at least we both agreed we should see someone else)

He still had days where he thought everything would be ok, but it is natural to hope for the best.

We have lots of problems with extended family still. My PIL think dd1 will grow out of her autism. My BIL (and their families) cannot cope with the fact dd1 is disabled, and only see the problems, not the good side.

It is very hard, but every day it gets easier, because we are not the ones in the wrong here. They are.

I was at a party with some old friends at the weekend. One I hadn't seen since I was pregnant with dd1. Dh spoke to him first (I was occupying dd1 & 2) and obviously brought him up to date with our news. When I saw him, literally the first thing he said was "so, how disabled is dd1? that must really affect your life". No hello, no catch up on other news. All he could see was that we were affected by disabiltiy. Some people are like that, and it's their loss. He won't ever know dd1, but only he loses from that.

well my dd is an ill child with lots of problems very under weight but you carnt see it she looks like shes 3months old not 19months and ds as aspergers so none can be seen and my dh was just like this to start with with , and my family are the worse saying things like oh our xxx was always under weight or its just our xxx the way he is! i used to get very frustrated but now i just dont say anything and hope they will shut up!

its hard and even worse when we out shopping and ds goes to have a masvie meltdown cos we not gone down same way we usally do every one looks and you can hear the wispers because ds is in his uniform and they just think hes a bad child, or dd as an episode and gets stuck to the side and every ones looking thinking we are bad parents cos shes sat up like that.

The time around diagnosis is very hard and we all react differently. I had suspected for years that ds probably had autism - but dh (and everyone else it seemed) fell more into the 'he'll catch up' camp. When we finally got the Dx, Dh coped quite well - it was me who had cared for Ds 24/7 for years who got quite down! I guess it was the certainty! Dh still remains optomistic and I think has not really accepted the lifelongness of it! Actually Dh optomism is at times helpful - he never gets down about it!! I think he needs to make his own assessment and rationalise it to himself! I too feel like I have to balance my husbands optomism with the realism of acceptance and feel like you do that it feels like others must think I want ds autism!!
It takes time to accept any news - it is still early days.
Take care!

Agree with Magso - it's very early days for you both as parents in accepting any SN issues. ASD can be very "now you see it now you don't", so I can understand why your DH is feeling unsure. I think it can be harder for us mums, as we tend to be the ones that do the toddler group/friends with kids circuit, so have more idea of how kids a similar age are developing. Keeping talking - both to DH and on here. It's a difficult time.

I could have written that!! My dh is exactly the same. I have to admit after soooo many wrong diagnosis im even a little sceptical myself at times.

My ds definately has sensory issues, but he doesnt have melt downs and is so well behaved and compliant, sometimes too good to be true. Im not sure if this is all part of the disorder, ie he will do anything to please, rather than disapproval.

I cope with MN's

I know when my ds2 was dx my MIL counldn't get her head around what ASD was, and she thought that ds2 would just need medication . Sh just doestn get it. When my ds3 was born 9 weeks ago, the first thing she said to me (not even a hello) was "so does ds3 have autism then?"

I do think that ASD is hard to understand if you're not living it 24/7. My DH was very optimistic after ds2 dx as the EP had said that she only had one child that she "un-diagnosed", which I think gave him a false hope that maybe our son could be the second one. DH also seems to think that I imagine half of ds2's behaviour, like he is more "autistic" around me . He is more "with it" now though luckily.

I hope your DH starts coming round to the fact that your ds does have a life long condition. It will help you both in the long run. x

my ds has HFA is genuinely happy bright little boy has speech problems not with talking now but he did until 3 but with speech sounds

my dp took along time to accept it i had already thought maybe was ASD but then speech delay two'd and froed until final dx of HFA and then we accepted it but still my dp had the well we'll teach him out of it not accepting still but its hard to a accept just like that i was the realist dp was the optimist and his parents were the pessimist

its hard early on with the not really knowing you want to have so much hope that it'll all come back ok tantrums and behavior are normal etc i think we all go through it i by the time the dx came round had convinced myself ds was ok and just speech problems so was in shock when they said HFA but deep down on the walk home i accepted it

but he has loads of help and has improved so much and to be on that end of the spectrum you never really know how they'll being a few years a yr ago my ds couldn't talk was in his own world now his 3.7 and talks really well just speech sounds are off his eye contact is getting so good still have some problems a new one of sensitivity to sound has arisen but in general with his 1;1 etc he has become a totally different boy

you have to remember with the older generation they dont understand autism they see that as something thrown out to children who need more discipline or a bit naughty they need re educating i made my dp dad read up on line about it and he has come to accept it although still throws out see i told you nothing was wrong i ignore it now

my dp has accepted it now backs my corner when i say he has autism it was when i had to take ds into town with his games console as helps him block out surrounding sound lady said to me your starting him a bit young i smiled and ignored it when i told my dp he said well he does have autism first time i had heard him say that so that was our turning point

but give yourselves times its a range of emotions and with out the definite dx its easy to convince yourself over and over he is he isn't and this all part of the normal feelings to feel so i guess really im trying to say your not alone and children change so quickly from my ds dx completely different little boy xx

Gawd my dh is often like that as well, it has taken a few years to get to grips with the notion- only in the last few weeks for him to really be on board re SN school etc (and funnily enough when he agreed it happened- coincidence?)

I know a fair few other DH's who are the same, one who has a severly ASD DS who barely copes in a specialist ASD facility yet wants him in MS as he thins that will cure him!

I don't know if it's harder for Dads to see- and there are probably stories out there of Mums who are the same- but maybe Mums have a sixth sense? who knows.

The trick is to leqrn the difference between hopeful denial (as in my Dh certainly) and downright melevolent denial (mys ister who says only people in a wheelchair count as disabled and I am ripping her and 'deserving taxpayers' (presumably my dh's taxes are not deserving? LOL) by claiming ASD as a disability.

She makes me larf (and cry )

Sorry meant to write in subject line "DC" not "DS"!

plainoldpeachy I am at your sisters comments!! That is a very strange view of the world to have!

I know my DH means well. And he assures me he is on board etc but my gut tells me he doesnt really believe it. And then when he says things like last night like maybe it isnt ASD because we had had a good weekend I just feel so down. Because yes although the weekend was very good, no meltdowns, happy, laughing, etc we still answered the same questions & the same routines & the same repetition & same rituals. It isnt going to all be meltdowns is it, hopefully they will decrease and then it will just be the day to day stuff.

I guess also I cant really feel like I can deal with my feelings about it all if I am constantly being made to question their validity. It's like having a terrible flu but everyone is insisting you are perfectly healthy so you dont get to take any medicine or rest in bed, and you feel like you are being a big baby for feeling rough with flu.

Its very comforting to know you all have similar experiences though I wish it was easier for all of us. I think there is something to it that we as mothers pick it up more partly because we tend to be around more so do more of the daily care etc but also because we are more emotionally in tune than our DH's tend to be.