ASD ds won't let up on dd.

[wooga]

Hi, my ds 7,is always critisising dd-just turned 4.

Her speech isn't always clear(although a great deal better than ds-who had speech therapy at her age until a year ago),and he'll peck away at her all the time "NO! that's not how you say it!" etc etc.

Everything she does is wrong in his eyes-he won't accept responsibility for anything-blames it on her and I'm seriously worried about dd and how this affects her confidence.

dd started stammering when she talked recently and I was on constant ds guard to make sure he never said about it to her-he mimicked her once and I was furious with him-thankfully she's not doing it much now but my mum's already said she's a nervous child.

We have a day in the week when ds is at school where we spend time together,just the two of us and I praise her and do my utmost to help her feel good about herself,bedtimes always special time too-they each get a story before bed and lots of hugs,but I find it so tiring dealing with this everyday.

The occasional time they do play together well but mostly it's conflict and it's tiring to cope with it every day,they won't let me do things separately with them at home but fight when they're together.

Ds has trouble at school and his confidence is low,and I've been in to see them,but they've no idea how unhappy he is-they don't see ds at home taking everything out on us as he's quiet at school.

He was happier when he started junior school and suprised us all with how well he settled but now it's the usual problems at breaktimes,lunch and children saying stuff.

How does everybody else cope?Any ideas welcome.

I'll pop back on here tonight.

Wooga I don't have any magic answers I'm afraid.

Strangely it's my DS1 (9) (nt) who we have this difficulty with, at times. He is extremely negative at times about both DS2 (almost 8)(asd) and DD3 (nt, almost 6) and it has worried me as well coz I feel that all the good work I do is forgotten as soon as he starts. It was quite intense at one point.

DS1 is also always 'in the right' and it's always "everyone elses fault". It is very frustrating.

I have just done what you do, positive reinforcement with his siblings and we also talk about how it feels to be called names - how does he feel inside when it happens - visual pics might help. I give him lots of praise as well. I sometimes think that DS1 needs more of a clear cut routine at home (I would be more conscious of this with DS2) and that he needs more 1-1 attention. Actually more 1 -1 has definitely helped. DS1 will have extra time in the evening with me and that has worked. I think it has also got better with everyone being a bit older.

Our DS1 is also quiet and school and then a beast at home at times. In our case, I think it's the structure of school which he likes but it's impossible to replicate that in our house. I will try and think of one task that we will do a day at the weekend, evening if it's just going to the shop for sweets.

Sorry could waffle on about this are your DS' school supportive?

Wooga I don't have any magic answers I'm afraid.

Strangely it's my DS1 (9) (nt) who we have this difficulty with, at times. He is extremely negative at times about both DS2 (almost 8)(asd) and DD3 (nt, almost 6) and it has worried me as well coz I feel that all the good work I do is forgotten as soon as he starts. It was quite intense at one point.

DS1 is also always 'in the right' and it's always "everyone elses fault". It is very frustrating.

I have just done what you do, positive reinforcement with his siblings and we also talk about how it feels to be called names - how does he feel inside when it happens - visual pics might help. I give him lots of praise as well. I sometimes think that DS1 needs more of a clear cut routine at home (I would be more conscious of this with DS2) and that he needs more 1-1 attention. Actually more 1 -1 has definitely helped. DS1 will have extra time in the evening with me and that has worked. I think it has also got better with everyone being a bit older.

Our DS1 is also quiet and school and then a beast at home at times. In our case, I think it's the structure of school which he likes but it's impossible to replicate that in our house. I will try and think of one task that we will do a day at the weekend, evening if it's just going to the shop for sweets.

Sorry could waffle on about this are your DS' school supportive?

God, sorry that went in twice.

Hi HelensMelons,yeah ds's school are pretty good,but the times he needs the most help are when the support isn't there-in the playground and the dining room.

He has problems all the time with his friends-his lack of social skills and the need to be in control and win everything don't make friendships easy to keep-ds has fallouts on a regular basis and ends up on his own.

I know how hard it can get with him-he gets impatient about waiting to speak(he forgets stuff easy and worries he'll forget what he wants to say)and will shout over others to be heard.

His lack of tact can be tricky too-I talk a lot to ds about feelings,but it gets forgotten about.

I try to keep routines and let ds know what's happening in advance-school environment is so much easier to do that in!

Ds has a lovely side to him with a quirky sense of humour it's just that on some days he's like a grumpy old man-I know that sounds awful but the terms he uses when he speaks makes him sound older than 7-the other day he said "I don't believe it!" with a really cross face!

Today has been a lot easier than lately-just being able to vent stuff on here can make things easier to deal with,like having a diary when I was younger-before my mum started reading it!

In fairness, it's classic aspergers for some people, not for other of us. I was never a controlling person, though I'd be scared of rules and games that changed too fast for me to follow. I do correct other people and have got into HUGE trouble for it. Something that isn't right is just horrifying, terrifying. It isn't right! Why aren't other people as horrified and terrified as we are? It's one of the great ASD/NT 'divides', I think.

And because we can't hear our own voices, we can't modulate the tone or work out the social niceties that say (gently and softly) "wouldn't it be a good idea if..." or "it would work better if you...". We just come straight out with it. "That's wrong!" in a really loud and bossy-sounding voice.

So, we end up with something that's wrong AND a room full of angry people, which means we're even more stressed out than before, and it escalates.

Really clear explanations help, repeated 30-100 times until we learn what we mustn't do. Oh the patience of many saints is certainly needed, but please don't let us boss people about, even if we don't realise we're doing it at the time. We have to learn that it's as wrong as the thing we're trying to correct. Teach us what to say instead, or what to do if we're stressed out by an error?

Can see similarities on this thread for both DS1 and DS2. DS1 with always being right, etc - god he also has the most ferocious temper. DS2 definitely with the difficulties, as you say Amber with the rules and games changing - this makes it hard for DS when he does try and join in something. At least I can say to the other children that DS2 finds it difficult and to be patient (not always listened to but it's worth a try). He also panics when he is trying to say something that he doesn't want to forget.

Wooga - my mum also read my diary and I was in SO much trouble!

Thank you for your advice,and reminding me that I'm not alone-even if it feels like that sometimes!

Some other ways at looking at the reasons behind ds's shouting too-really helpful to have more understanding of these things.

I will try to do a simple social story about ds helpfully repeating back what dd is trying to say correctly to help her-see if that works.

HelensMelons-that why I had to stop writing my diary!

I'm also considering ways for ds to deal with his anger and vent his fustrations.