I NEED SOME ADVISE PLEASE

[bubblagirl]

right alot of you know me already so wont go into things

anyway ds is 3.7 and has a dummy usually just for night as helps with comfort and sleep issues but do have to carry one with me for when things get to much eg busy super market loud noises etc this helps him calm and he'll close his eyes and appears to block surroundings out for short while

anyway I'm aware that at his age this is creating odd looks and I'm getting a bit embarrassed as this is the only quick way i can calm him down when he has sensory over load

what do you suppose i do as i know i will need to take dummy away and i will but for now its his only comfort his not into cuddling teddies etc although Barney has had a few hugs last few nights but I'm concerned for him as this is a comfort to him

i know i shouldn't worry about what others say and most of the time its only night times he has it but how do i go about getting rid of it when i cant rationalize or get him to really understand why we need to get rid of it and I'm slightly apprehensive about getting rid of it with his sleep issues as dummy goes in and normally can settle so easy when really tired

i guess i wandering if anyone else in same situation or been in same situation and can give me some advise thank you, i already know its not affecting his speech all his problems are down to ASD not dummy just need to know if i should let him keep it for bit longer or how others dealt with this xx

We done this last summer with our son. It took the whole of the summer holidays, but he is now dummy free

Start by taking the dummy off him during the day and hide all of them so he cant see them. We put ds2 dummy undder his pillow, and told him it was for bed time only. Took a few times for him to grasp this, but it did work (but there were tantrums).

Once he is ok woithout it during the day, wait a week, and then take it off him at night time. Just put him to bed as normal and dont even mention the "D" word. DS2 asked for it on the first night, and we just said "Finished gogo (thats what it was called)" and he accepted that. He asked for it a few nights, but after a week, he was completely dummy free.

Hope this helps in any way.

Hmm. tricky one.

I would be inclined to say leave him. The need might diminish over time.

Is there anyhitng else at all he likes (however bizarre) - wooden spoon? favourite book? (I have in the past reduced size and laminated dd1's favourite books (she always likes large books!) so she can take it easily everywhere...)

a favourite piece of cloth/cushion? was thinking that you could introduce at the same time as the dummy for a while, then start asking him to leave dummy in the car for a short while when at shops, and build it up from there? that's what we did with dd1 and her "bear" (baby's comforter, getting a bit raggy now, and she def wouldn't sleep without it so fear losing it)

how about chewy toys? would he take to his thumb? (not sure how you'd go about introducing it, but dd1 is a thumb sucker rather than dummy, and still does at 4.5)

I'd let people look, tbh. a quick "it's not polite to stare" or, if feeling more charitable, an explanation that he is autistic might help too (have resorted to this now when dd1 is in the buggy and kicking off about something - she is the size of a large 5 year old so you'd thik people might get it, but they don't)

I agree with leaving him, if you're lucky he might get an obsession (Gawd you'd think lucky was dd if you livd in a non ASD world LOL) you can use t bargain him out of it and free him from the distress.

Sod the looks. Their problem not yours. 'Even my son knows its rude to stare and he's autistic' can be a blinding retort LOL

oooh, like that reply, Clarissimo. Have to remmeber that one

Hey Clarissimo, I like that one, will use that myself.

I would say the same as the others, I also think a lot of the time, we think that people stare and there not really, just we are insecure about it. If its not affecting his speach and not all the time, so what.

I would leave him be, and totally agree that if people are staring it is their problem (ie being bloody rude and poking their nose in!).

I also know from experience that it can be hard to just ignore people......

if he has sn i would agree with leaving him. i am in the process of weaning dd2 off her "goo-goo" as she calls it. i have stopped her having it completly during the day apart from the odd occasion when she decides she wants to go to sleep- not very often now, she is 2.10 and doesnt sleep much in day now. she only has it at night if she really asks for it or if she is upset, but its gone from her having it in her mouth or hand all the time, to some days when she doesnt have it at all not even in the night. she is doing really well, but if she is tired she still asks or if she has hurt herself.

The people who judge you would judge you even more if he went into meltdown. I'd leave it. When you can manage it, explain; when not- just sweep past with a disdainful look. Their problem, not yours.

Don't worry, I know NT kids a bit older than this who have dummies. Their parents bring them with them to nursery at pick up time.

Sure some people would look but why should they matter to you?

Either:

They don't know you or live your life and will probably have forgotten about it very soon after.

OR:

They do know you and have some idea of your circumstances and have no room to criticise.

Your life. Your family. Not theirs.

(My DS does the arm flapping and humming thing but we finally allocate times for him to hold off from it and make the times a little longer as we go).

thanks guys we havent told an awful lot of people he has autism not through being ashamed but just none of there business only handful of people at pre school know

he doesnt have it much in day time if his ok when shopping i wont give it to him i'll only give it when i hear him become panicky and he starts repeating himself over and over i know its all becoming too much and will give it before melt down starts other wise thats when the real stares begin he is quite big for his age can pass for a yr older and this creates stares and comments anyway with being in pushchair

i can hear them say about id make him walk at that age and having a dummy too mutter mutter mutter

he has a tag on his coat that says he has autism and my details etc so i try to get him close enough to read

i wont worry for now then as its his only comfort he isnt into rags teddies or any form of comforter only dummy so think i'll worry less about silly comments

regardless of him having sn think its a shame some people have to comment out loud we all parent different doesnt make it wrong

i have resorted to telling one lady who kindly spoke to me about making ds walk and not having dummy why she felt she had to i don't know spoke about her child how she achieved this

so i asked her how her about her childs autism and she replied he doesnt have autism dear so i said then your advise wont work for my child as he has she felt so bad and was apologetic and said she didnt know and i said why would you , you dont know me

anyway since then she will regularly ask how ds is doing when she sees me and thinks his great

i guess some people feel there parenting skills are the best way and just cant help but comment the best looks are when his having melt down though normally new mums feel the need to tut as if there child will never do that i just say you wait a few years you feel it'll never happen to you it will

anyway rants over lol thank you all

bubbla, Great approach with your old busy-body made me smile in a 'right-on' sort of way. Will definitely use it myself, if you don't mind.

Tclanger: In their day they used to electrocute people with epilepsy and use 'a course of leeches' (Blackadder style) for everything else - including being afflicted with homosexuality.

There's a site called Wrong Planet that sells cards to hand out to these "ignorant inocent byestanders". The cards are a bit like those sold by the NAS but MUCH more directs and 'Back at yer'.

Will go off and find the link...

Aah! Tried but couldn't remember my old log-in details and they won't let me re-register without a few checks via the administrator.

Here's a link to the site if anyone is interested (some kind of american NAS type site)....

www.wrongplanet.net/forums.html

can't remember what the cards said but kindof hinted towards the mind yer own business.....

tc i wish i could be so happy and unaware of such things too but im the lioness ready to jump if anyone so much as upsets my child sn or not i dont treat him as if he has sn so im not precious about him but am when it comes to his needs being different

tallulahtoo you can use it i just do the cheery oh i would never have known , when they say what that your child has autism , the look on there faces when you say well mine does

the thing is he doesnt look or act any other time as though he has autism is pleasant will look at people etc so no one really knows

as i say regardless people should worry about there own little families and stay out of someone elses business when they dont know whats going on

it annoys me when people do know and then proceed to tell you how they got there nt child to do something sort of implying its not difficult and shouldn't be a problem for me to do it

i have a so called friend who's ds is 4 well bubbla was potty trained at 3.5 apart from poo's and still

well she kept saying dummies are for babies you shouldn't have a dummy yet her 4 yr old still wasn't potty trained not that , that matters but i could of easily made comment that he should be in pants etc by now maybe some people see sn as an excuse when we aren't able to do something who knows how some peoples minds work

all i know is as long as bubbla boys dummy isnt in his mouth 24/7 im not going to begrudge him it from now on ir feel embarrassed as its his comfort and his sleep is crap as it is as the cogs never stop turning so if this helps then so be it

thank you all for the reassurance xx as always i can count on all of you to make me feel better

Bub, I know it hurts when it comes from someone so close (my own family for example), but just 'cause they're close it doesn't make them right.

My own dad is so far back in the dark ages, he still thinks ASD is caused by the 'refrigerator mum' . Also thinks that shouting at my DS will get him to 'behave' and that, if I left my DS with him then he'd "....bring him up properly." Not exactly a 'man of science' then! We just stear clear of the numpty.

lol i shouldn't laugh its just the numpty bit sorry to hear he thinks that way though

my dp dad always says we can teach him out of it etc some of it true but if it was that simple there wouldn't be any autistic adults would there

some people just have such high hopes that its something someone else can do we mother them too much etc

i always says you have to have an optimist and a pessimist but im the realist i'll leave others to have there views mine is all that counts its just sometimes i forget mine and do listen to others i shall take my ds approach and not listen at all lol

Hiya Bubblagirl,

'I'm the lioness ready to jump if anyone so much as upsets my child sn or not i dont treat him as if he has sn so im not precious about him but am when it comes to his needs being different.'

I loved what you said here....
Everyday battle as their needs are different aren't they?

Wish you the best.

x

thank you colourist i always hope i word things so they dont sound wrong i make some mistakes sometimes lol

its hard sometimes to really get across how you feel, his needs are different in any other he would appear nt but his needs are more structured and if he doesn't get this or the understanding from others it can all go wrong

thats why i made a personal passport for him for pre school so its all written from behind his eyes so they can understand why he does certain things and how to approach and deal with these things x

bubbla: love the idea of the personal passport.

We have an "All About Me" scrapbook that we update every year or two.... takes ages though and usually means we make pizza or similar while he talks about himself and what he wants in the book. He's very proud of it and takes it into school every so often to show it around his classmates and any new teachers too.

Numpty is beyond Victor Meldrew in ALL his opinions so I know not to bother listening to him. We just make very brief visits a few times a year and leave it at that.

We found ages ago that we should choose our battles carefully. If you fight every single 'numpty' (used that 'cause you seem to like it! lol), you would soon run out of steam. We don't waste energy on the lost causes or insignificant others.

love that tactic for nosey, unhelpful people, bubbla! sometimes you can't win. before i had dd, ds used to run everywhere, with me chasing after, i'd get tuts about that. now with dd, he has to stay in a buggy a lot more as i can't catch him so easily, and i get tuts about that too. it's really amazing the way that some people feel the need to comment.

it really is ragged i try to think was i ever one of them tutty people but i dont think i ever was i always gave smiles to people and they would always smile back

i guess being a carer by profession i had no room in my mind for judgement its not nice of people as i'm sure there kids are not so perfectly behaved and without knowing someone's circumstances you should keep your beak out

i mean if your day is os boring and all you have to do is judge others find something else to do

im lucky that most people do know us now but alot of explanations have been done along the way for them to know us

never mind hope your ok ragged haven't seen you on for a while take care xx