Those with nt sibs to their sn brother/sister,do you ever feel they miss out?

[wrinklytum]

Sometimes I feel we focus so much on all dds problems that ds gets missed.It isn't intentional....I do 1-1 stuff,take him to activities,attend all the school stuff,but I STILL HAVE MAJOR GUILT THAT SOMETIMES,WHEN DD HAS A DIFFICULT SPELL HE GETS PUSHED AWAY.dp is poorly and can;t contribute much.Sometimes I just feel guilt guilt guilt He ADORES dd (Tonight in bath he was so sweet,stroking her hair and saying 2Here you are ,sweetie" passing her a toy) I feel like such a bad mum sometimes

Hi, you are not a bad mum. If it helps I feel the same way. My DD has missed out so much she has been referred to CAHMS. Looking back though there isn't any other way life could of been. I think part of her problem is her own guilt. She loves him so much but wished he wasn't there. It's tough but who else could of done it. Sorry I'm not much help. Take care x

Oh Devie {{{hug]]]

Its hard sometimes isn't it?He is only little,but I guess in his world dd gets away with so much IYKWIM?She can eat fingerfeeding yet he has to use knife and fork,he has to tidy up toys she does but haS to be talked through it...silly things but to him it must feel unfair...well he has said it.He is awAre she is "DIFFERENT" BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY EASIER. i KNOW he loves her so much.Already he is uber protective big brother but it is so much to ask of a little person isn't it?I can't even contemplate teenaged years and beyond

I think it's really hard for a first child to have a new sibling come along, whether or not they are SN.
In DS' case he had been the centre of our world for over 5 years, then suddenly, along comes his little sister, demanding so much attention. Our love for DD is unconditional, but DS is more ambivalent, which is perfectly natural.
All very upsetting and disturbing for DS and he started refusing to use the toilet, getting constipated, arguing when we told him to use the bathroom, soiling, etc. Luckily our child development centre offers a sibling service (they all should) and we now have a family therapist, which has been invaluable for all of us.

I think my younger daughter benefits from having a sister with special needs much more than she misses out. I hope it will help her have a kinder view of the world too.

Adults I've met who have grown up with a sibling with special needs seem to have an extra caring quality and many have careers based around this.

I definately feel DD1 misses out, DD2 requires so much therapy and appointments. I involve DD1 as much as poss but she is basically taken off my hands whilst I work with DD2 and this makes me feel really guilty as she knows she needs to be out of the way. I try to do something with her each weekend, even if it's just some crafts but it is really hard for her. She is actually lovely to DD2 and is quite helpful at times but I think once you become a mother you generally feel guilty about everything anyway let alone when there are special circumstances.

I agree with vjg, I think it will give them a kinder view of the world and more understanding.

I posted in develpoment/behaviour about my DD yesterday, a poster said to come over here to discuss it.

Devie, I think my DD (9) is depressed.

I will not hijack, but if you have a few mos can you look at my thread? TIA

Agree about the caring nature of NT sibs. DS is lovely with DD and shows her off so proudly. But it's still been very difficult for him.

Wrinkly I was so busy trying not to hijack your thread I forgot to say...

I bet you are a fab mum and your DC are lucky to have you. You DS sounds so lovely, your DD is blessed to have a caring sibling and a special mummy.

I have no practical advice as am struggling with similar issues.

Where I think Ds1 misses out most is with new experiences - foreign travel, eating out in restaurants - and spontaeous stuff. We're lucky in that we CAN do things with DS2, but everything has to be planned in advance in meticulous detail. Tbh this is more to do with his food allergies than his autism. He also misses out on quality 1:1 time with me and DH.

marmduke

have you tried seeing if ttheres young crers group locally where she will get chnce to do things and spend time with other children in same situation so she might not feel so differnt

Feel the same really, DS2 does take up much more time to manage but there are also a diferent set of rules for him (at times) and that can seem unfair and confusing.

DS1 told me about a dream that he had involving his brother and how his brother was running and running and he couldn't stop him. It upset me because I didn't realise until then that he also felt a certain responsibility for his brother - there's only about 17 mths between them. That was a bit of an eye opener. He now (as long as he has behaved) gets to spend about 20 - 30 minutes longer in the evening and not only does he enjoy it but it's his special time.

DD3 is spoilt and thinks that both her brothers are wonderful.

Apart from that, I do feel guilty sometimes but do my best to be fair (it's hard!)

Hi wrinky. how old are you children now? I only ask because as my children are getting older it is getting a bit easier. My dd is 7 and my ds 9. Ds has CF, epilepsy, speech and language delays and dyspraxia. As a result she takes up a lot of my time doing physio, and doing her medication. This and dd's bad chest restricts what I can do with ds. Ironically He is an extremely active, loves the outdoors sort of boy which makes my guilt worse.

Now ds is older he has joined cubs. they do so much. Ds has been bowling, does a fun swim once a month, been on a panto trip, to the fire station, roasted marshmellows on a camp fire and lots more in the last 3 months and ok i feel sad and guilty that I am not doing those things with him myself but it is a compromise that he still gets those experiences.

He is also a member of a football team and over the years, as the other parents have got to know our situation, a lot of the parents now offer to take ds to matches, and training when the weather is cold/wet because they know i can't because of dd. Again it is not ideal but a compromise. I just mention as it might be something that can help you if not know but in the future.

Amazing like your children Ds is not on the whole resentful of dd and has been brought to understand that his life is different from his peers. He is a young carer and reading Phoenix reply I'm going to look into that as a support network for DS.

yes

although seems to be getting a little easier (fingers crossed) now that DS1 is 9 and DS2 (classic autism and epilepsy) is 5...lets hope it stay that way - DS1 seems a little less angry about it all and is becoming very helpful and caring