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Original poster

How do you explain Aspergers to a 4 year old.......?

16 replies

winestein · 30/12/2008 22:31

A friend of mine has a 5/6 year old ("X") with suspected Aspergers... My position is one of ignorance and I can only say that he fits in with my image of the main character in The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Nightime.

Up until today my recently turned 4 year old said "X" was his "best friend" but "best friend" has delivered his best screaming fit and other non-NT behaviours at him today. I can handle it... I'm an adult, but my 4 year old can't... I'm trying to explain to him but I can't find the words that he understands...

Can anyone give me the words to help?

Thanks

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Ilovechristmas · 30/12/2008 22:37

Hi Winestein, bless him. I have a wonderful little book called 'can I tell you about aspergers sydrome?'. It takes about 15 mins to read but explains everything very simply and covers all AS types. It maybe an idea to get the book and read bits to your 4 year old? Or even you can simplify it even more for him? I have an AS son who had terrible difficulties at that age, a least you are a mum who is bothering to help not only your son, but X aswell. xx

5inthebed · 30/12/2008 22:41

My ds1 (5) is always asking why his brother ds2 (3 and ASD) acts the way he does. We tried explaining ASD to him, but was a bit too much for him to take in, so we told him that ds2sbrain works differntly to ours, and what we think is a bit silly, ds2 thought was fantastic. We also explained that he will always be this way, so that is why ds2 is treated a bit more lighter than ds1 is. He seems to have accepted this and when he sees ds2 get upset by something when we are out, or someone treat him different, ds1 always sticks up for him and explains to others around that his brother is "autismic".

Sorry if it isnt much help, trying to remember how I exlained it, it'll probably come to me better in bed.

Original poster
winestein · 30/12/2008 22:46

Thanks Ilove... I will look that up. "X" seems to have accelerated recently and it seems frustration/relationship related and whilst I can't directly help, I certainly don't want to hinder and would love to help my son understand the relationship.

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Original poster
winestein · 30/12/2008 22:53

Awhhh.. love the speech with littlies.. Autismic

I have told DS that "X's" brain works differently but don't know how else to explain as my DS is rather, erm, should we say sensitive at the best of times (despite being a contender for second row at rugby, physically). It was the rages and shouting that my DS is... well, I suppose scared about really.

I said that his brain works differently and we all have to look after him extra carefully as he is our friend, and that sometimes he just doesn't know how to be our friend back. Is that too much? Too crap/crass?

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Ilovechristmas · 30/12/2008 23:06

Winestein - have you tried talking to Xs mum about this? She maybe able to help, Im sure she would want this friendship to continue, so maybe able to help out? Perhaps saying to your son that he doesnt think as we do and sometimes doesnt understand what he is doing wrong may help? You could say he is autismic, might sound cool!! lol. Ill have a quick look at my book tomorrow see if there is something to simplify it in there for you. xx

MatNanPlusAbroad · 30/12/2008 23:11

Sounds a good explanation WineStein you could add the X doesn't mean to upset DS but he finds things harder sometimes than other times.

pumpkin543 · 30/12/2008 23:26

winestein, I have a ds like 'x' who has difficulties interacting with other children nicely and can throw impressive wobblies.

And it would have been a great help to me if other parents explained to their child that although he wants to be a friend, he doesn't know how to be a friend back, so yes I think that's a great simple explanation for your dc.

macwoozy · 30/12/2008 23:29

ooops forgot to change my name back.

amber32002 · 31/12/2008 07:24

If we're 'overloaded' (e.g. with too much social stuff, eye contact, unexpected events, unexpected changes of rules, background noise, uncomfortable clothes, rough textures around us, strong scents, foods or drink that are different, flickering lights) we can get hysterical/end up shutting down completely (depends on the person).

If your son can understand what causes it, he can perhaps help to spot the things and be of use to his friend.

If he also knows the way to get us to calm down is often for an adult to get us to a quiet, safe lower-light-level place where we can wrap ourselves in something heavy and just take the time to let our brain wiring cool off for a bit, that might help too. That way he's more in control of understanding and helping?

Original poster
winestein · 31/12/2008 13:52

Brilliant - thanks everyone, this has been very useful

It seems that almost anything could set off hysterics then Amber, depending on the individual. Thanks for the insight in to that. Hopefully as DS grows older he will be able to help.

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troutsprout · 31/12/2008 14:13

i have a picture book called 'all cats have asperger's syndrom by Kathy Hoopman which dd (5) looked at. I think she gained quite a lot of insight from it. Her brother (11) has aspergers.
She even asked me the other day if someone she met had aspergers..'because he is like db ' (he has)
It's a lovely book actually...everyone should look at it. Her brother liked it too.

amber32002 · 01/01/2009 09:29

troutsprout, I love that book too.

Winestein, it's not exactly hysterics, so I think I could have chosen my word better. It's desperation for someone to take the pain away. It's so difficult to explain how much the world actually hurts us. Rough clothing feels like sandpaper. Flickering lightbulbs are like you standing in a dark room in front of an array of strobe lights. Lots of noise is like you standing at the front row of a rock concert at full volume, trying to talk to the person next to you. Strong perfumes - well, ever stand next to a bonfire when the wind turns and you get caught up in the smoke and end up choking? Yup, it's like that.

Add it all together, and see how much you'd want it to stop. Now live with it every moment of every day of your life unless you can control your environment enough to take some of the pain away.

But young children with an ASD don't know which words to say to someone to get them to help, and they dont know that you don't feel these things too, so they think you're just hurting them deliberately.

Safe, quiet space to escape to. Comfortable soft clothes. Predictable environment. No eye contact. Don't go mad with the Christmas perfumes. It really, really helps.

Ilovechristmas · 01/01/2009 11:29

amber; thats a wonderful way to put it, very helpful and insightful. I choose my sons clothes (he doesnt get fashion, but doesnt want to look out of place from the others if you get what I mean?), I always have to buy round necks, he hates v neck, but will often sit there pulling his shirt away from his chest. Even though he is 16 he has a large fluffy pillow which he loves and sleeps on that. He is very techi and I bought him a cool tshirt for xmas which has a wifi detector on the front! Happy New Year to all, hope you all had a lovely evening! xx

TwoCuteFestiveFairys · 01/01/2009 18:56

Hi Weinstein,

Can i just echo what ilovechristmas says, and the your speak to his mum first before you explain to much, to your DS.

My DD (6 AS) has no idea that her behaviour is not totally normal to her its everyone else that has a problem, because she doesnt see anything different about herself, we have'nt yet explained anything about AS/ASD, she wouldnt really understand what we were talking about tbh.

Personally i wouldnt want, one of her friends to have her condition explained to them before she did IYSWIM, if one of her friend (for example) said that her brain was weired differently she would find this most alarming. Don't get me wrong i am not saying it should be swept under the carpet (so to speak) far from it, but just that its probably best for you to check with Xs mother first.

Original poster
winestein · 02/01/2009 22:08

Too Cute... take your point entirely. That would be awful. My friends DS has not yet been diagnosed (currently suspected) and all this is new to her, but I appreciate what you are saying and will certainly talk to her about what the best thing to say is. Thanks (and of course thanks to Ilove.. T-shirt sounds fab btw!) I am just worried that my DS will write their previous friendship off as I would hate that, for all involved.

Think I will order the All Cat's book Troutpout. Thanks!

Amber... I will print that out and give it my friend... the explanation is brilliant... wholly understandable from an outsiders viewpoint. Thank you

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Original poster
winestein · 02/01/2009 22:09

Ohh nooo! My post appears to be a festival of thank you's and smileys. Ah well, I do mean them all!

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