i have just shouted myself hoarse at ds and now i feel like shit

[belcantwait]

its really getting so i cant bear to be near him. he is an absolute arse. he makes me behave like a screaming banshee witch of a mother. i feel awful to say it but better here than anywhere else. the last 2 weeks have been nothing but misery. i have had 1 half day with him thasst was nice. he should never have had siblings, he is horrible to them a complete bully to ds2. i want to love him the same but he makes it impossible to even like him . how can i make it better? i have been such a cow? and the worset thing is i only feel bad because dd and ds2 witnessed it, i dont even feel bad for ds god i am such a bitch.

What's he done? I scream too if it's any consolation.

oh god i dont even know thats dreadful isnt it? its just all little ongoing things but general bullying and picking on his 5yr old brother (he is 10 ), the constant shoving him, scratching etc etc and getting all over hyped up and then just going too far. i just see red i cant seem to help it. he hates me i know he does. and i hate the way ds2 and dd are then frightened because of my shouting at ds1
i shouild never have had children.

Its awful when you can't do anything to change their behaviour. I have ds with ASD, he's the youngest of three which I think makes it slightly easier but he does repeatedly heat his only brother and it makes both me and his brother really sad and often makes me angry.
You are a mum coping with a lot more than most. Cut yourself some slack, particularly at this time of year. What does your ds like to do?

repeatedly hit

thanks nikos. he doesnt really like to do anything tbh . ithinki twould be easier if he was obsessed by one single thing but theres nothing. he would however sit and watch any kind of screen (tv, computer, ds) all day if i let him. yes he has AS and so does ds2 . dd has some traits as well but i reaally hope thats all. cant cope with much more.
still all is calm in the belcant household atm. escaped for a bath to try and chill out and thus far it seems to have worked.
how is your ds with holidays and xmas? i think in retrospect thats whats causing alot of the problems tbh.
i am useless tho as i KNOW all the theory what youre meant to do and how youre meant to deal with it and i can rationalise it all to dh and tell him what to do but can never do it myself in the heat of the moment and then end up, v childishly, blaming ds1 for it all for 'winding me up'. thats pathetic isnt it?

Gosh so do I. You have to be virtually saint like to stay calm and do all the right things when an ASD child is going for it.
Started a thread a bit down about my ds (age 4) whose aggression has escalted this yule tide. Turned out it was probably Christmas and also he was coming down with chicken pox. Could your ds be ill? Could also be Christmas though as seems common for ASD children to get unsettled.
Don't know if you could run to a playstation (we bought one secondhand) but it helped our two boys to play together. Yours have a bigger age gap so it's more difficult. What about a long walk to burn some energy?

And if it's any further consolation I said to dh I want to go on anger management classes after Christmas. Before children I used to be quite zen-like

lol nikos we could be twins! i soooo need anger management

dont think he is ill (tho he never admits it when he is). he was v depressed for a week or so a fortnight ago and turns out he was feeling poorly but didnt realise

Hows things been today belcan?