I need advice please ............. I feel like its my fault my ds is how he is.

[laughalot]

I am going through this horrid stage at the minute of sticking up for my son when the teachers keep telling me to take him to the gp at what point do have to try and accept your child is different? My ds was 4 in july he finishes nursery tomorrow and starts fulltime in jan. He has always been extremely lively he is like a bouncing tigger he is very bright his numeracy is very advanced according to nursery however socially he isnt good. He had a stage of pushing other children which we have sorted he is great one to one but is a nightmare in a big group has to often sit near teacher and not in the middle of a circle as he feels he needs to get out, he randomly screams for no reason and can be ok one minute and goes extremely hyper the next. He is a extremly good sleeper is bonding better with his sister now but I just feel deep down there is something wrong. His teacher has put him on a iep when he moves up to main school but she says he struggles in a group enviroment not good when there is going to be 60 children in reception. It was his nativity play tonight and at times he just stood with a vacant look on his face and the next minute he goes right up to a childs face to speak to them. This is the first time my dh has acknowledged that there maybe a problem it is just breaking my heart to think my baby may be different. Could things have been different if I hadnt had a amnio was a epidural the right choice ? Im a bit lost and feel embarresed that for so long I have defended him but I dont think I can anymore. Does all this make sense .

you poor thing, please don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself, and analysing everything you ate/did in PG. Your boy is so little, he may just be a quirky livewire, or there may be something more to it than that, only time (and possibly professional opinions) can tell. Obviously you don't have to take nursery advice about going to the GP, I would actually give him a few weeks to settle into school routine and see what his new teacher and senco think - if they do suggest some sort of assessment I would follow it up. In my experience these assessments are not worrying or intrusive for the kids - just cause us parents' stress.

Thanks I have said to my dh and his nursery teacher that I will give him 6 months at school and take it from there.

I wouldn't give it that long, because of waiting lists - if you are unlucky, your child may take several months to be seen by the appropriate specialist. Also 6 months from january would take you to summer holidays, so you could be well into year 1 before your child got seen.

I agree with TC. If you get his name on the waiting list now, it could well be 6 months until he is seen anyway. If things settle down before then, you can always take his name off the list again.

I can see some similarities with my ds2 who has AS but equally, as TC says, he might just be a livewire.

Please don't blame yourself though.

i really sympathise with you - i spend a lot of time worrying about the reasons for my son's differences (he's being assessed for language disorder/possible autism), but really, as total chaos says, there's no point in going over what COULD have been the cause.

the best thing to do if you have concerns is to focus on how you might be able to support him rather than what might have caused the problem. that way, you're actually able to do something.

i was taken aback when a health visitor referred my son to a speech and language therapist, because i didn't realise there was a problem. but i'm so glad she did now because i've been given so much support with how to help him make progress that i wouldn't have been able to do by myself.

you will feel sad a lot of the time if there does turn out to be a problem, but always remember that you are doing your best to help him and usually the school staff and other professionals will be doing the same. good luck.

and would just like to echo total chaos and coppertop - take any support that you can get as soon as you can get it. none of the professionals that i have seen have been in any rush to label my son; they have been more interested in how to help him. i'm sure it will be the same for you.

It is so hard, but the biggest hurdle is facing that your child might need some help to be the very best he can be. Imagine how bewildering it must be for him, if he struggles with the social rules of preschool/nursery. The best thing you can do for him is to get all the help you can, and be grateful if it turns out you don't need it after all

Laughalot, no, there's no way that what you did or didn't do with amnios or epidurals would make a difference, to my knowledge. To give one example to see if it helps, some children are born with brains wired up to be Formula One Racecars, not family hatchbacks, to use one way of looking at it. No-one knows why. But if you'd ordered a sensible family hatchback and ended up taking delivery of a Formula One car that could go at 250mph round the tracks but couldn't get itself over a simple road bump, you'd be astonished. Where would you put the shopping, for a start? Or the extra members of the family?! Doesn't mean the Formula One car is broken, though. Just different.

lota sorry to her you having problems with ds dont blame yourself iv been there beating my self up, but not any more iv accpeted my ds is diffrent but still the same child i still love.

welcome to the sn borad and if i was you dont wait as other as said its a long wait getting to see some one.

Laughalot

Welcome to the sn board. I agree with the others, it's important to push for whatever service your son may need as soon as you can. Waiting lists can be long and frustrating! We are awaiting an assessment for ADHD and the waiting list here is about 18mths.

I felt much the same when I realised that there was something going on with my DS2 - actually felt like TClanger as if someone had come along and swept him away and brought me back someone else. I also blamed myself, felt that it was my fault but it's just like Amber says. I was, without doubt, dealt the formula 1 and he's lovely!

i think everyone goes through the "was it something i did/didnt do during pregnancy" with their kids, sn or nt.thats a normal reaction to finding out about any condition/illness/ect. i agree about going for help , it does make all the difference, and its good to have support if and when you need it, so welcome and good luck with your wee boy. keep posting here, the girls are a minefield of info, couldnt cope without them myself, my dh had hard time getting to grips with ds3 and dd4 himself(mabey a man thing, taking longer to accept the differences in the kids)

loving the formula one description,, can mine be ferraries? cause ds3 is very fast, and dd4 loves red!(red shoes, red crayons, red dress, red red red, its her "thing" at the moment! lol

I love the car analogy amber

laughalot what you say makes complete sense but, as the others have said, you musn't blame yourself. I would also recommend you get your son on the waiting lists now. The earlier you get help and support the better IMO.

Laughalot, I am a bit like that with my ds, who is 4.6(he doesn't start school until August, we live in Scotland) but I do, rightly or wrongly feel responsible for the way he is .

I did have some quite invasive treatment when I was pg with him (and was very stressed about it), which I wish I hadn't agreed to now. When he was born he had the cord around his neck, I wonder sometimes about that... then he had febrile convulsions up until he was nearly 18 months old.. and we moved house and became quite socially isolated from friends and relatives for a while.

I also feel like I have been in denial about his problems and how different he is from the other children at nursery.. the bitter sweet experience of the nursery Christmas play really brought home to be that my child has SN and always will and I need to come to terms with that.

The thing is, even though I have been in denial, my ds has had lots of support and input from all the concerned professionals, who I think have been waiting for dh and I to come to terms with our ds's issues... I am glad I have been open to their help, it has made my ds's time at nursery much less stressful.

IF you are ready to look for help for your ds I wouldn't wait, as others have said waiting times for an appointment can easily be 6 months.

Good luck.

Laughalot, sounds like you've just hit the 'mourning' stage. You have to mourn for the fantasy child that your little never was. But you'll soon look at him and realise he's the same child you've always loved, it's part of who he is and that you haven't really lost anything.

Professional assessment will give you and your DH a chance to forgive him for being more difficult than his sister and forgive yoursleves for finding him so. When you let go and accept that there was nothing you could do it's actually quite a big relief. If you get a diagnosis it's also great to unload all those is-he-isn't-he uncertainties and be able to concentrate on family life for the future. Things can only get better.

Definitely don't wait to get referred, it took us 12months to get from where you are to an official diagnosis (Aspergers). Also ask to see the local Education Psychologist (nursery teacher has probably already been in contact with them but it will help you to meet them too, to get a picture of how they can help him school.)

I can honestly say that life with DS has improved drastically since his DX and it's so good for my part to have a focused, blame-free head now, to know what directions to go in and how to manage him in a more understanding way (also manage other people and their opinions).

Good luck, you will all be all right.

Thankyou so much for your help and advice it has given me a real kick up the backside to get him the help he deserves. It was his last day at nursery today so as you can imagine I felt very emotional and it made it worse when his nursery teacher said she was always here if I needed any help and advice. We went into town after school and nipped into my work to collect a gift and he had a moment of madness and ran off my stress levels went through the roof . Going back to the school thing he is going on a iep when he moves up. Is a true fact that alot of sn children are extremely bright ? His numeracy is apparently far more advanced than his friends. I hope I dident offened anyone by saying that but it is all so new to me. What is the best thing to do then book a appointment with gp or ask for help at school ? Thanks guys

People with Aspergers in particular are often of above average intelligence (see Amber .) Fantastic memory (for things they are interested in) is very common too which can certainly compensate for a more normal intellect, especially if you can get a career in your specialist subjects. But no two ASD people have exactly the same traits, sensitivities etc. We are now convinced that both my dad and my PIL both have it and you could not find two men more different to each other. To reassure you, both have been happily married for over 30yrs and of course raised wonderful kids.
I love the unusual way my DS's mind works, life is never dull (although he is only 3 and I suspect if I am still getting lectures on space travel in 10yrs time I may feel differently.

See GP for a referral to paediatrician is quickest route I would imagine.