Hope no one minds, but thougth Id post this as some of us seem to have had a crappy day

[alfiemama]

The Special Mother, by Erma Bombeck.

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit.

This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children.

Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for
propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth; son. Patron saint, give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia."

"Rutledge, Carrie; twins. Patron saint, Matthew."

Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God, "Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has her own world. She has to make her live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles, "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect - she has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps - "selfishness? Is that a virtue?" God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a ?spoken word?. She will never consider a ?step" ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will be present at a miracle, and will know it!"

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice....and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side". "And what about her Patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."

alfiemama, sorry that you got upset. you meant well.

I have theological and personal problems with the thing, but that is not your fault.

and as long as you do not deliberately offend people personally you can post anything you like. and so can anyone else

so cheer up and enjo the poem if you like it

Alfiemama, I don't usually post on threads like this, but I just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel bad. Your intentions were nothing but good and kind and it would be a real shame if you let this stop you posting on Mumsnet. You have as much right to be here as anybody.

Oh alfiemama I really could cry for you

what you do was a lovely thought and were trying to cheer people up

I dont think the others were being mean to you, they (obviously!!( just dont like the poem and although it did come across a bit harsh I think they just dislike these poems so much that it came across as strong as it did

but you were not to know and it was a really lovely lovely thought of you to post it when people were having a bad day

dont beat your self up about it, it will be forgotten about in a day or 2

or you could go and google a few more poems and post them .... (ok, maybe dont lol lol)

take care and dont go

Alfiemama - I enjoyed this poem. I am a simp and like things like this. I respect that it's not everyone's cup of tea but that's ok.

Don't be hard on yourself and keep posting! Better to have had an honest reaction to your post, than, perhaps, no discussion at all!

Please don't be upset Alfiemama, it's a lovely poem and you posted it with the very best of intentions.

I like the Welcome to Beiruit better than the Holland one:

"WELCOME TO BEIRUT by Susan F. Rzucidlo (Beginner's Guide to Autism)

"I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with autism-to try and help people who have not shared in that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this..

There you are, happy in your life, one or two little ones at your feet. Life is complete and good. One of the children is a little different than the other but of course, he's like your in-laws, and you did marry into the family. It can't be all that bad. One day someone comes up from behind you and throws a black bag over your head. They start kicking you in the stomach and trying to tear your heart out. You are terrified, kicking and screaming you struggle to get away but there are too many of them, they overpower you and stuff you into a trunk of a car. Bruised and dazed, you don't know where you are. What's going to happen to you? Will you live through this? This is the day you get the diagnosis. "YOUR CHILD HAS AUTISM"

There you are in Beirut, dropped in the middle of a war. You don't know the language and you don't know what is going on. Bombs are dropping "Life long diagnosis" and "Neurologically impaired". Bullets whiz by "refrigerator mother" " A good smack is all HE needs to straighten up". Your adrenaline races as the clock ticks away your child's chances for "recovery". You sure as heck didn't sign up for this and want out NOW! God has over estimated your abilities.

Unfortunately, there is no one to send your resignation to. You've done everything right in your life, well you tried, well, you weren't caught too often. Hey! You've never even heard of autism before. You look around and everything looks the same, but different. Your family is the same, your child is the same, but now he has a label and you have a case worker assigned to your family. She'll call you soon. You feel like a lab rat dropped into a maze.

Just as you start to get the first one figured out ( early intervention) they drop you into a larger more complex one (school). Never to be outdone, there is always the medical intervention maze. That one is almost never completed.

There is always some new "miracle" drug out there. It helps some kids, will it help yours? You will find some if the greatest folks in the world are doing the same maze you are, maybe on another level but a special-ed maze just the same. Tapping into those folks is a great life line to help you get through the day. This really sucks but hey, there are still good times to be had. WARNING! You do develop an odd sense of humor. Every so often you get hit by a bullet or bomb - not enough to kill you, only enough to leave a gaping wound. Your child regresses for no apparent reason, and it feels like a kick in the stomach. Some bully makes fun of your kid and your heart aches. You're excluded from activities and functions because of your child and you cry. Your other children are embarrassed to be around your disabled child and you sigh. You're insurance company refuses to provide therapies for "chronic, life long conditions" and your blood pressure goes up.

Your arm aches from holding onto the phone with yet another bureaucrat or doctor or therapist who holds the power to improve or destroy the quality of your child's life with the stroke of a pen. You're exhausted because your child doesn't sleep.

And yet, hope springs eternal.
Yes there is hope. There ARE new medications. There IS research going on. There are interventions that help. Thank God for all those who fought so hard before you came along. Your child will make progress. When he speaks for the first time, maybe not until he is 8 yrs old, your heart will soar. You will know that you have experienced a miracle and you will rejoice. The smallest improvement will look like a huge leap to you. You will marvel at typical development and realize how amazing it is. You will know sorrow like few others and yet you will know joy above joy. You will meet dirty faced angels on playgrounds who are kind to your child without being told to be. There will be a few nurses and doctors who treat your child with respect and who will show you concern and love like few others.

Knowing eyes will meet yours in restaurants and malls; they'll understand; they are living through similar times. For those people you will be forever grateful. Don't get me wrong. This is war and its awful. There are no discharges and when you are gone, someone else will have to fight in your place.

But, there are lulls in wars, times when the bullets aren't flying and bombs aren't dropping. Flowers are seen and picked. Life long friendships are forged. You share and odd kinship with people from all walks of life. Good times are had, and because we know how bad the bad times are, the good times are even better. Life is good even though your life is never normal again, but hey, what fun is normal?"

Alfiemama, we all take different approaches. Your story wasn't for me, but you were trying to do a nice thing, so don't feel embarassed just because people reacted in a harsh way - I don't think that's really about you or the story, more about how people feel about the idea that they've been chosen and should somehow feel lucky. So don't take it personally!

Oh Alfiemama don't feel bad, and please don't go. We know you had good intentions by posting it.

However by way of explanation as to why some of us feel the way we do about stories/ poems like these is that they perpetuate the myth that illness and disability only happen to some other people. Disability can happen to anyone, at any stage of their life.

too true, the idea that some thing decided that dd's life was going to be this way is offensive. the author has no idea what she is talking about.
here is another one of her delights!!

Engrave this Quote When God was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame. An angel nearby said, "What kind of father is that? If you?re going to make children so close to the ground, why have you put fathers up so high? He won?t be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed without bending, or even kiss a child without a lot of stooping." God smiled, "Yes, but if I make him child size, who would children have to look up to?" When God made a father?s hands, they were large and sinewy. The angel shook her head sadly and said, "Do You know what You?re doing? Large hands are clumsy. They can?t manage diaper pins, small buttons, or rubber bands on pony tails." God smiled, "I know, but they?re large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his pockets at the end of a day?yet small enough to cup a child?s face." Then God molded long legs and broad shoulders. The angel nearby said "Do You realize You just made a father without a lap? How will he pull a child close to him without the kid falling between his legs?" God smiled, "A mother needs a lap. A father needs strong shoulders to pull a sled, balance a boy on a bicycle or hold a sleepy head on the way home from the circus." God was in the middle of creating two of the largest feet anyone had ever seen when the angel could contain herself no longer. "Do You honestly think those large boats are going to dig out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries? Or walk through a small birthday party without crushing at least three of the guests?" God smiled, "They?ll support a small child who wants to "ride a horse to Banbury Cross" or scare off mice at the summer cabin, or display shoes that will be a challenge to fill." God worked through the night, giving the father few words but a firm authoritative voice; eyes that see everything, but remain calm and tolerant. Finally, He added tears, then turned to the angel, "Now are you satisfied that he can love as much as a mother?" The angel was silent.

It has to be said I do find that very creepy!

I think it's natural to think of people who are dealing with something we're not as being better than us in some way. I think we all do it in all sorts of situations actually. I look at the mother of a child in ds' class who had a baby in September last year and another one in July this year and wonder how the hell she does it. Or a friend who had twins and wonder how difficult her life must have been with twin babies. Or the woman who lives locally who has 15 children and I think wtf. So I think it's not uncommon for someone who has no experience of disabilitiy to look at a parent with a child with severe disabilities and to wonder how they cope/to think they themselves could never cope in that situation and to think those parents must be special in some way.

But this thinking is flawed on so many levels...

If parents of disabled children are all special and have all been chosen, what then of the parents who don't cope? The julia Hollanders of this world, and the other parents who simply cannot cope and whose children end up being given up to the care system? They do exist. Did God get it wrong when he chose them then?

And what of the children? If only a special parent is chosen to have a disabled child, does that mean that only a special person is chosen to have a disability? And if that is the case what of the people who do not cope with being disabled? The Daniel James of this world for who disability is so unacceptable that their only way out of it is death? Did God get that wrong as well?

I think reality is that we all have to look at our lives, and be aware that anything can change at any time, and that doesn't make anyone more special than anyone else, it simply means that we were all meant to live different lives, and that all humans are unique. Because the world would be a very boring place if we were all the same.

This thread made me think of JH as well,

Pipinjo, never seen that but v good but scary - and it IS how I see autism, but leaves out the fact that a child with autism can still bring a lot of laughs and be incredibly loving and lovable.

I can't say I agree with the poem in the OP, it is a nice thought though But there's one view that I hate more than anything, and even though I'm quite spiritual myself, it drives me mad.

"You choose your body, and therefore your disability."

I don't have any kids, sn or nt, but I have a sight condition that stops me driving among other things, and I would never choose this life of glasses, the years of hospital tests, the support I've had through school, college and now in uni. The not being able to read fast food menus, or not having a lot of peripheral vision.

I didn't choose this.

Sorry, mini rant over. I write poems too, so if no one minds I'd like to post one I wrote for my friend with CP, and she loved it.

oh please do9as long it isn't a god chose you one lol)

No, it's not, but I think it's fitting for this board Hopefully lol!

Keep your Smile

I'll help you keep your smile
Through the uncertainty
Through the pain
Through all the tests life throws at you
I'll help you keep your smile

Through changes great and small
From one step to another
Through good times and bad
I'll help you keep your smile

When you're down, I'll pick you up
When you need a friend I'll be there
When you want to scream, I'll scream with you
And when you want to laugh, I'll laugh along
But I'll help you keep your smile

When the world is so cruel
When people gawp and stare
When they put their foot in their mouths
And say something stupid
I'll help you keep your smile

You're my best friend
I hate to see you down
So keep the friendship strong,
And I'll help you keep your smile.

that is good.
I like the "smile" bit. made me smile.

I wish I'd found your poem first.

what about this one, really hope fingers crossed it doesnt offend, she says nervously please remember light hearted

I?m sorry I bit Mrs Threadgold
It?s not a thing I?d do twice.
Quite apart from the fact that I won?t get the chance
She didn?t taste very nice

lol
oh I love it.
I would be so tempted to post that on one of the biter threads in parenting lol