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Original poster

think ds1 will need to board at 11

17 replies

PeachyAndTheSucklingBas · 28/11/2008 19:02

school say he won't cope with ms unless he stops the aggression

there are no sn senior schools here now- last one closing, only a severe place

i can barely cope, I made a joke after school yesterday and got punched to the ground

i should feel sad, i feel numb. I know it could change in 2 years but- we can't live like this forever.

only other option is to move which we may do- ds3 has only just got a place in sn, over my dead body is he going back!

OP posts:
dustystar · 28/11/2008 19:10

Thats horrible peachy - the lack of SN provision in this country is a disgrace I sort of know what you mean about feeling numb - its just one more thing to add to the list. So sorry you're having such a shit time {{{hugs}}}

Original poster
PeachyAndTheSucklingBas · 28/11/2008 19:12

actually its more that I am beyond minding, I agree with them. I want to disagree, to think he is being misunderstood or underestimated. I don't. He has zero empathy, thinks I deerved being hit; once he gets to bigger size he could kill me

OP posts:
madmouse · 28/11/2008 19:14

o peachy, I am sorry that sounds terribly tough

do whatever you need to do and do not feel guilty (ha, easy talking no kidding, what do I know )

dustystar · 28/11/2008 19:17

The violence is what really frightens me with ds but at least he can understand that its wrong. I don't know how I'd cope if he had no empathy at all. I know you probably don't want to think about it right now but if things have got that bad then his boarding could be good for all of you.

Original poster
PeachyAndTheSucklingBas · 28/11/2008 19:17

it is only 15 miles away so would see him all weekends etc

he could change, he must

OP posts:
BriocheDoree · 28/11/2008 19:20

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} Sounds awful.

Seuss · 28/11/2008 19:23

I worry about when ds gets bigger too - and faster. Secondary provision is a bit rubbish around here too but they seem to be working on it. A lot can happen in a couple of years but I'm also aware how quickly senior school is going to come around. Sorry not helpful, but sympathise.

lou031205 · 28/11/2008 19:25

Peachy, it is awful to have to accept something so hard. Is there any hope that he could be taught 'functionally'? i.e. doesn't matter why, but fists don't connect with people.

I think you are being the best mum for thinking about this now. Much better than a knee jerk reaction.

Take care of yourself.

MatNanPlus · 28/11/2008 19:39

If it would make your family time better then it isn't a bad thing, it isnt as if it is the other end of the world.

daisy5678 · 28/11/2008 19:40

J is like this. But medication has helped. Is he medicated? I know there are some which are specifically designed to reduce agression.

I know how hard it is and hope things improve for you.

magso · 28/11/2008 20:54

Oh Peachy! We are beginning to worry about senior school too.
I do not know if it helps but I have a friend whose eldest (As)boy boards during the week (Mon-Thursday) and the lad loves it. He likes the structure, independence and copes well with supervised homework time. It has worked out well for him- and their family - dispite her worries.

TotalChaos · 29/11/2008 07:32

the couple of kids on the spectrum I know who have boarded have loved it. I hope that things do improve aggression etc wise. I'm sorry you are going through thee worries.

PipinJo · 29/11/2008 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Davros · 30/11/2008 17:21

If you've got a good SN residential school nearby then I think you should start working towards getting him a place. If he boarded weekly and came home at weekends how bad can you feel? We completely changed our views AND feelings about residential when it was explained to us by someone we trusted that it would be good for DS. You can't just hope and expect your DS will change, he might but might not change enough and where will you be left? Do it on YOUR terms, when you are happy that it is what you want and when you accept it will be good for him. Our DS simply couldn't continue as he was indefinitely and, in the end, when we transferred him it was at a good time when he was being pretty good. I had a fleeting feeling of wondering if it was a mistake as things were good at the time but I realised that it was the perfect time, rather than waiting for disaster. I also had to remind myself that it was for his own good, the space and facilties, the activities, the tackling of behaviours, eating, sleeping etc. Don't dismiss it because you are having all the cliche feelings of failure, guilt etc, be stronger than that if you can and don't let other people put you off or what you think other people will think. You'd be surprised how many other people seem to admire us for doing it and doing it in a positive and controlled way. Good luck, you can't go on living on hope.

MannyMoeAndJack · 30/11/2008 18:35

If you really don't think things will settle down/improve, then I also think that you should start working on getting your ds into residential school. You said you've got 2yrs until he is due to start secondary school, well I would imagine it would take most of that time to tour the available schools, decide which school would best meet the needs of your ds, secure him a place and convince the LA/SS to fund his place (this last bit could take 2yrs in itself!). If you start the ball rolling now and your ds does start to improve, then you can just put your efforts down to experience and remain in the m/s sector. Good luck - I do wonder whether residential school will become an eventuality for my ds too, in the future.

Original poster
PeachyAndTheSucklingBas · 30/11/2008 19:10

There's no way the LEA will fund it, they are currently hinting at pulling his ten hours support, it will mean me working FT and channeling my income into that alone; I am lucky I have a CM who can take ds3 (she knew him before he was ref dlagged, and has a child with asd herself) and ds2 / ds4 can easily use the after school club.

I am going to chat to his SENCO; he has a fantastic one but she has been on adoption leave.

I did buy a great workbook to use with him for anger and asd- he took it into school to show his teacher / SENCO (so we're all singing off the same hymn sheet) and binned it.

OP posts:
Davros · 30/11/2008 22:12

The only thing is, 2 years down the line who knows what they will fund? Apart from your situation changing and possibly becoming worse, they may have policy and staff changes, we may have a new Govt and they may just have to accept it ultimately. It took us the best part of 2 years to get everything in place and that was with a lot of toing and froing with LEA, advocacy and willingness on our part to go to tribunal if necessary. So I'm not saying you are wrong or ignoring what you are saying about the difficulties, but its best to start now if you are going to need it and don't second guess the LEA. I know my DS is an "easier" case to assess probably but I have a very good friend with a DS who is fully verbal, no LD but VERY autistic and he also went to residential school mostly because of his behaviour, anger and unsuitability to fit in anywhere else so being outwardly "severe" isn't the only possible type of case for residential. Sorry if this sounds like nagging and maybe you're just not there yet but, if the day comes when you feel you are then of course you must wait until then. Mind you, no-one is ever 100% ready or consistently as ready day-by-day iyswim.

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