Do you ever think that your dh really doesn't get how hard it is sometimes?

[dustystar]

DS is driving me up the wall at the moment. He is really really hyper which means he is even more oppositional, deliberatly irritating and aggressive than usual I don't know why things have got worse the last couple of weeks - he seemed to be settling into his middle school finally but now he's having real problems again.

I don't know if its the run up to xmas as he usually finds this hard but since we haven't actaully done anything at home yet and they haven't really done anything at school either I'm a bit stumped as to whats causing this.

DH says he understands but I really don't think he has a clue how hard it is to deal with day in day out. He works long hours so often hardly sees the kids for 5 days of the week. Last weekend he worked all weekend and only saw ds for about 1/2 hour in the eve when he got home.

Today ds has had yet another bad day at school. The day started badly with him deliberately winding dd up and the two of them bloody arguing and fighting first thing in the morning. Then when i picked him up he threw a complete wobbly and ran off screaming and shouting abuse. Then he hurled a big stone accorss the playground. I think it was aimed at me but ended up nearly hitting two other parents. At this point the SENCO came over and she and his TA took him inside to calm down and have a chat about his behaviour. After a few mins they came back out with him but as soon as he got near me he ran off shouting abuse again

Then finally he gave in and sat down and bawled while his teacher gave him a hug. I just stood there digging my nails into my palms to stop myself from crying too as I really didn't think i'd be able to stop once I started. Eventuelly he came with me to the car and we drove home but on the way I explained that as a consequence of his behaviour he would lose soome of his PS2 time and he lost it again and started hitting himself really hard over the head and in the face and biting his arm

I got home and rang dh and even though he knew I was upset he just kept going on about what a crap day he was having at work. When I told him what had happened with ds his response was to say that I was lucky and that it was better than being at his work today. I know he's having a shit day but ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I honestly don't think anyone who deosn't deal with it on a day to day basis really understands at all

Sorry - I didn't realise that was so long I'm just feeling so angry and upset about it all and I really could have done with a bit of support from dh. Apparently he felt better at the end of our coversation - he didn't seem to notice that i was in tears.

Dusty, sounds tough! Nothing useful to add except . My DD is ALWAYS worse when DH is working long hours / weekends. Could that have anything to do with it?

Your dh is being an arse. Tried several ways to phrase that more delicately but I can't.
Hope you feel better soon.

Maybe - I hadn't thought of that. He does really enjoy his time with daddy. Sadly in the run up to xmas dh always works long hours.

When my ds was young (around 2-3yrs), I had him with me at home all day long, every day. They were long days, especially during winter when it was often too cold to stay outside for very long. dh was always very supportive but he worked long hours and would often only see ds for half an hour each evening. Although I had my dh's full support at all times (I couldn't have parented my 2/3yr ds alone), I knew he didn't really know what it was like to have ds for 12-14hrs at a stretch every single weekday. I would start thinking (with dread) on Friday evenings what on earth I was going to do with ds the following week...so to your OP, I don't think it's possible to know how difficult it is to parent a challenging dc day after day until you've been there and done it. I hope things settle down for you soon.

Ah dustystar, what a crappy day youve had.

I think the best medicine is some choccies and some wine and some celebrity jungle.

take care hun and have some well earned tlc
ps, dont give hubby any

I'm trying to cut down on my drinking at the moment as I had ended up drinking every night cos every day was stressy. I have limited myself to sat night only. I think i may make an exception tonight though

Thanks for the kind words - I knew you guys would understand I have 2 real life friends who would get it but one is sick and the other looked so stressed herself when i saw her I thought the last thing she needed was me sobbing on her shoulder.

Dusty - (hug)! Perhaps fruit salad -indulgent but not too wicked!! ( perhaps ds could chop you a banana to feel useful again)
Ds (ADHD/ASD)had a difficult couple of weeks and I think it was in part because dh was away - and partly because frankly I was unwell (and ds cannot cope with any reduction of parental energy!).

I've been getting the abuse coming out of school too . I can never explain to anyone how draining it is to deal with day in day out. My DH does get it though as i work in the evenings and he has to put the kids to bed - often he gets meltdown too.

Could you get DH to do the school run one day? My DH took DS in this week for the first time, and though DS was perfectly well behaved, DH said it was a real eye opener to see him in the playground with his peer group. It gave him a snapshot of how aware I am made of our DS's autism EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Our DH's are shielded from this and do not always appreciate the pressure we as mums are under.

Hope your weekend is calmer. Take care.

i had similar thoughts to widemouthfrog. when your dh is on holiday does he spend a lot of 1:1 time with your ds - perhaps a full day or even a weekend? i'm sure it would be an eye-opener for him.

it sounds like such a tough day - you deserve some pampering.

ds's teacher sounds nice

My DH does the early mornings with the boys, often starting at 5am, so does understand, but he never has to to the alone with the 2 boys all day every day (when they're so tired from being up at stupid o'clock) thing that I have during the school holidays. He even jokes that he's off to work for some peace and quiet. All the same, I'm really not sure he could hack it.

You seriously need a break and your kids really really need some daddy time. In a big way. The first chance you get, find a way to make it happen.

Thanks for the support I did have some wine in the end

DH has seen ds kick off on more than one occasion its just because he doesn't deal with it every day he doesn't get how draining it is. He knows its hard and he knows how difficult and violent ds can be - he's under no illusions there- its just he gets to escape to work and maybe sees him for 15 mins in the morning and agian at night most days so even if ds is being a PITA then dh doesn't have to deal with it for long IYSWIM. Its the little stuff as well - the constant low level stuff - that really drains me. If it was just the meltdowns I think i could cope better but I'm already worn down byt the other stuff so it all gets on top of me.