I am having problems accepting my son as having special needs

[Gummiband]

My partner suggested I post here.I have read some of your articles and you all seem very knowledgable and nice.

Our son is nearly 3 and has a real communication problem, he rarely talks. Autism has been suggested but I can't help but think he will change as he gets older.

Are any other dads in the same position?

.Not dad but mum.I think my dp is still somewhat in denial about dd SN,thpuogh of course he loves her dearly.

Is your ds getting any tests/heading toward a diagnosis?

Welcome to MN and the SN section.My dd is not autistic,though she is practically non verbal.There are lots of posters on here with dc on the autistic spectrum,all will be helpful.

Keep posting on here for support.Best wishes to you and your family xx

hello and welcome. no experience here but there are lots of Mums (could be Dads too for all I know) on here with experience of children and the spectrum and children with language delays/disorders.

You'll get lots of good advice, I'm sure.

I'm not in the same position as my little girl has cerebral palsy and has had a diagnosis since she was 1 - however, even with something physical like this I still sometimes kind of believe she might grow out it. Mad, I know.

In actual fact I think what happens to the parent and child is that you don't grow out it, you grow into it and wake up and realise that it is the new normal. I often forget dd is disabled, it now seems normal to have a 2 year old who can't walk.

It must be hard having had a suggestion of Autism but no diagnosis, the main thing is, is he getting access to the help he needs? that's the first of many battle!

I don't recall any Dads posting in this section but I could be wrong, there's plenty of mums though of course

Can I direct you to this thread. I know it sounds like we are giving our DPs a bit of a bashing (we weren't really) but it does show that you are not the only Dad having problems accepting. And we Mums do too!

What does your partner think about your son? Assuming she's the one who takes him to places with other children I would assume she's right in whatever she thinks. It's the comparison with other children that makes it clear.

Ds1 is severely autistic. At first no-one believed me because ds1 is so affectionate and happy etc although one friend let me talk to her about it (she was fab). I used to borrow autism books books from the library and hide them under my bed.

When dh came round he was really really supportive, and he did come round just before diagnosis. Be supportive of your partner and whatever she thinks.

I hope it all works out for you, but would just say don't make your partner feel any worse than she already does. Autism isn't over diagnosed in the UK, if your son needs assessing don't make her feel bad or as if she's doubting him. If he isn't autistic that should be picked up.

Hi Ladies, this is my DP.

I've posted on here a fair bit and gotten brilliant advice and support. I hope DP comes back and asks more, he is hesitant, he just said.

I'm a bloke, not a father but as a childcarer I work with several families whose children are on the autistic spectrum.

Nothing has changed... your son is still your son. He is the same now as he was before you were told that autism is suspected. Don't treat him differently, just keep doing all the things you were before.

Children often have fads, for example many boys like trains. Children on the autistic spectrum may lock on to a particular thing and stick with it for many years. Use whatever fads your son has, to encourage him to interact with you. Spend time down at his level (ie lay on the floor). Take him out to places he would like to visit - if trains are the current fad, then there are lots of places to visit - you will be a steam railway buff in no time!

Aim to spend time with your son at regular times during the week - for example, you could opt for always reading his bedtime story. Try to come up with a routine that suits you and your son.

Try to spend quality time with your partner. Try to find a reliable babysitter, so you can go out say once a month as a couple, without worrying about your son. Have a family outing a couple of times a month, even if it is just to the local park.

Join your local NAS group and borrow books from the branch library - some books on the subject can be rather expensive. By reading more about children on the autistic spectrum you may discover ideas, on how to help you and your son interact.

All children are individuals. Try to accept that he sees the world differently. He may not talk now but he might in the future, so keep talking to him. I've worked with children who at age 3 didn't speak, but come age 5 they did. Alas have also worked with children who by age 9 only said a few words... but they can use a computer and have learnt to type.

Not sure if that is of any help at all, reading it back to myself. Bit hard for me to write about this as I'm not a parent myself... but as a childcarer I accept every child for who they are - they are all individuals.

Just remembered, there is Supportman too. He's a bloke.
I hope my link to the other thread hasn't scared you off Gummi, I was hoping you'd see its something we all deal with. There is another excellent link on that thread from Buckets (I think).
Please don't be hesitant - we like Dads too!

Of course we like dad's too

I think one difficulty for the parent who has less time hands on with the child (whether mum or dad) is that special needs are actually a lot easier to deal with the more exposed you are. Especially if there's a communication difficulty. For example last night ds1 spent a lot of time shouting 'nai yan nai' which meant

Welcome, it's lovely to have a dad posting there . A couple of other book you might find useful "A friend like Henry" - about a boy with autism and how the family getting a dog (!) encourages his commmunication, and "Daniel isn't Talking" - fictionalised account by a writer of a kid with autism - a bit fluffy and happy ever after, but good on the sort of feelings parents have about delayed speech.

I agree with jimjams - that problems become more obvious and at times very painful! when you spend time with kids a similar age or younger (toddler groups, other mummy friends) who are doing far better than your kid.

Hi Gummiband. My dh found it hard to accept ds1's aspergers diagnosis and thought I was being over-anxious. Even the paeds letter was tricky (and in-laws have never acpeted it. They blame me) but I think it was because ds1 was never too bad at home so dh never saw the meltdowns - ds1 hated leaving the house, had to be carried screaming to school every morning, used to rock at people's houses so I could never go to coffee mornings and take all his clothes off so we wouldn't be able to go out. DH was at work and didn't see any of this.
And of course, DH never saw other children so didn't realise that ds1's behaviour was very unusual.
The not seeing other children is also why he isn't so worried about dd2's disability (she has severe cerebral palsy) so he doesn't weep over the comparisions.

Hi

another Mum but can understand.

It takes time to addjust and thats good in that at 3 the situation isnt always fixed: at 3 I thought ds3 pretty ok, now I know he's fairly disabled and will always need care on some level.

The realisation tends to come in jolts and they happen when something is implemented- seeing medics, applying for financial help, getting a special school place- and that's OK really, as that way makes the shock match the severity if you see what I mean? Also makes it more manageable. Sort of anyway.

And it takes you by surprise too. One of the best things about ds3's imminent placement in the school is that I won't be forced to see him alongside NT children his age daily. As he grows that hurts more. Ditto with DS1, who is milder but still disabld and there are more things he can't do as he ages- for example we see his friends out and about without adults now and that is so very definitely not a possibility for DS1 in the near future.

The onlya dvice really is be gentle and give yourself time. Any change, expeically one you would do anything to avoid, takes time to adjust to.

Oh and sorry yes- Dh has had a hard time adjusting. he ahs ahd several spells of very severe depression which I partly relate to the sn factor (the rest I (and he) blame on his Mum LOL ).

Dh works nights, that means he rarely experiences evenings which are our hardest time and every time he has time off it is as if he experiences it afresh. i think to an extent there's also a level on which he sees some problems as a fail;ure of mine to get a grip of them 9the stimming etc)- and then he has to realise that there is no person who can change those things. It makes it 'real' you know? He also has to cope with a job and a permanently shatterd wife, and in the holidays with trying to get sleep whilst the boys are here.

I used to work with famillies in our position now and it was conventional wisdom that dads found it harder, whether that is true I am not sure.

My only tip I think apart from being kind to each other is to try to attend as many appointments etc as you can. In now that can be hard, but it makes it real for DH and allows him to have input into the boys care. Also, it helps me as often I have to come away and try to intepret lots of hwat ahs been said.

Oh yes- my boys- ds1, 9 in a week, has a diagnosis of hihg functioning autism / aspergers and other stuff; very aggressive lad sadly and doesnt need sleep. DS2, 7, bang on Mr Average. Ds3- severe speech issues, social stuff, learning delays- autism dagnosis expected, transferring to SN unit; ds4- baby. waves though, and makes eye contact so fingers crosse!

my ds is 8 and i still have moments where i manage to convince myself that he is growing out of his autism.

of course this isnt the case. we just get better at dealing with it and it seem's less of a problem.

His father (my ex) refuses to accept there is anything "wrong2 with him. he places every difficulty squarely at the feet of my bad parenting.

Another mum here!

My DH doesn't really accept anything is wrong with DD2. To look at her on her own she does seem relatively normal, but when she is with her peers it is so blindingly obvious.

He thinks I go overboard with researching new techniques and doing ridiculous amounts of therapy. I may point him in your direction as it seems you are both in the same boat!

I think it's very hard for the dads as (if you are like my dh) they only see the DC at weekends, they don't deal with them 24/7. They don't see the day to day routine and for my dh he doesn't really see what "goes on behind the scenes" if you like.

I would love my DH to see what I see then we would be on the same page and able to tackle this together as at the moment I very much feel like I deal with DD2's sn's on my own.

Good luck xx

Thankyou everyone, I told DP you would be brill! I'll make sure he comes back tonight.

Gummiband, none of us can truly know what the future holds, but as far as we can tell, Einstein, Mozart, Leonardo da Vinci and Bill Gates are widely assumed to be on the autistic spectrum. The latest thinking from the scientists is that it's often connected to families where someone has extraordinary abilities of one sort or another - perhaps things that people aren't looking for or expecting, but they're there. I'm on the autistic spectrum. I run a company, I'm an adviser, I'm a married mum. It didn't stop me from doing these things, though I won't pretend it's easy because that would be a lie.

No, this is not the case for all children. As I said, no-one can know what the future holds. But a child doesn't have to be Einstein to be loved, or to give love, or to be accepted or be valuable as they are. Some of the wisest people I know are the ones who cannot talk in a way we'd expect.

Whatever the situation, whatever the outcome, your child is lovely just as they are, and a credit to you. Trust it, remember it. It's true.

hi, as the person who started the "other thread" I thought I'd join in on this one! I think you sound great gummiband, I would love my dh to come on here and meet the other mums and dads who deal with the same issues as me, day to day. I can honestly say I've learnt more from this site than any professional I've met so far.

We also have a 3 yr old with no dx, but asd as a possible. He has improved tremendously in the last few months. Back in Jan we had a SALT report which recorded him saying just one word, "uh" for up. 10 months on and he's speaking in disjointed sentences, can request anything he needs and interacts far better than ever with us, and his baby brother. Things can and do change very quickly. Your ds is still very little, he can and will change as he gets older.

I wonder if I can get my dh to have a look on here. Will obviously need to namechange, don't especially want him reading the thread I wrote to moan about him!!

ds3 was non verbal at 3 and had almost zero understanding; things change, he understands quite a bit now (approaching fifth centile which slt class as ok) and has quite a lot of language though he doesnt always use it. light years ahead of where we were.

Oh please warn me kettlechip - I wouldn't want to do that link to him - I've had second thoughts about having done it this time (too late now) but I think we were all generally understanding that it is us Mums who see everything day to day and it is harder for Dads to see the stuff we do.

big well done for getting on here tho - I'd never convince DP to even have a look, let alone post. He does like to hear the funny stories and good news, and also wonders if Pedants Corner was set up just for me!