How should I deal with children's questions about SN?

[GooseyLoosey]

I wonder if you could share your wisdom with me on something which came up with my children at the weekend.

I was in a cafe with the dcs (5 and 4). There was only us in there and then a woman came in with what looked like a boy of maybe 16-18.

The boy laughed a lot but was non-verbal. He liked showing my children his tummy and patting it and waving at them, I encouraged my children to wave back. I smiled at the woman and she apologised for his behaviour. I said there was absolutely no need and he was not bothering me or my children. So far so good. My children then asked me why he was acting in that way and I was not sure what to do, I did not want to offend either the woman or the boy.

In the end, I explained to them that its a bit like lego. Everyone is made of lots of bits and the bits have a complex set of instructions called DNA which tell them how to go together. Sometimes, like with lego, a tiny little piece of the instructions goes wrong and it can have an enormous effect on the end result. Sometimes its easy to understand what has gone wrong, like their cousin's ears don't work, sometimes it will be something in the brain which affects the way people act, like with their grandfather who has had a severe stroke. When the woman and the boy left I also told the dcs, that if they have any questions about what is wrong with someone in the future, they should ask me when the person is not there as no one likes to be talked about.

Was this the right thing to do? I did not want to "shush" their questions as that seemed to be saying that disability should not be talked about but I equally did not want the woman or boy to feel any more awkward than they clearly already did.

What should I have done? Can I ask how you would prefer people dealt with questions about your dc's SN? As I said, my father is severly disabled as a result of a stroke and if I am honest, I think both he and I would prefer that no one mentioned anything in our hearing when we are out.

I personally would have just said 'he finds it difficult to talk' and left it that, with a bigger explanation (if they asked) later. But mainly because I find that ds2 and ds3 aren't that interested in long explanations. I've tried a couple of times - remember once thinking very carefully about explaining something to ds2 about ds1. He looked very thoughtful and then said 'can I have some toast for breakfast?'

I also try to say something positive. "He finds it difficult to talk, but I bet he can sign instead/use pictures instead' etc etc.

I usually go with something like jimjams and say everyone does some things relly well, andfinds other things hard, then giving examples.

Thanks - the long explanation was because ds is a "why, why, why, why" child and I wanted to avoid too much of that.

Do you think I should have shushed them and answered them later?

I had this with my DD. A friend's DS is autistic and is in a year above my DD at school. She has met him in the park before and seen him whizzing round on his scooter but probably sees him more at school. They had a parent assembly one morning and her DS was obviously finding it difficult and shouting things out. DD came home and said that X was being naughty. I told her he wasn't being naughty, she insisted he was. So I explained that X finds some things more difficult than her. I said 'do you remember how fantastic he was on his scooter in the park (she couldn't ride one then), well he is really good at that but he finds sitting in assembly with people he doesn't know very difficult'. She was still insistent that he was naughty. In the end I just said, no he isn't naughty. Her reply, 'yes he is, his helper told him off' . I did actually speak to his Mum about this, she was already very unhappy with some of the school's approach to him. He has since been moved to another school and things are going well for him. Any tips how to manage this? She has also said it about another child with Special Needs in her year. I do the whole explaining bit but then she sees them being told off. Really difficult and I feel very sad for the kids if thats what the others around them think.

ds2 and ds3 accept that 'ds1 doesn't understand how to behave', or words to that effect. They also have the word 'autism.'. So if ds3 says ds1 is being naughty I say something like 'no he's not, and why isn't he being naughty?' and then ds3 will say 'because he's autistic and doesn't understand'.

I don't think they need to know the details of what the word means (I sometimes as ds2 and ds3 what autism means and get some very funny answers) but having a word that they can process as 'oh he does that because he's autistic' can be helpful.

Or course for autistic substitute whatever is appropriate.

Thanks again Jimjams - would you prefer that parents answered their children's questions in the hearing of you and your dcs or shut them up and answered them later? As I said, with my father I would prefer the latter, but somehow don't feel that that is actually the right thing to do.

i think the analogy of the lego was a good thought....!

Personally speaking, I would prefer you didn't shush them. Let them ask, answer as honestly as you can and if the 'but wwwhhyyyyyyyyy?' goes on for too long, offer a full discussion later. But then, I'd have probably answered (well tried to) a few questions for you, but not everyone feels like that.

I agree with feelingbitbetter.

Thanks again - I want the dcs to learn to be accepting of everyone but at the same time I don't want to make other people feel uncomfortable.

I would say he is a disabled person and the impairment of some disabled people is that they can't talk/walk or whatever.