My ds doesn't want to do anything anymore

[macwoozy]

It's true. He's only 8 yrs old but it feels like he's bringing out the defeated card already. He has HFA but only a few years ago he seemed so confident, maybe too much but at least I knew that name calling passed over his head, he wasn't remotely aware that other children might be calling him wierd or strange, but now he's picking up on it too much. It's almost like he's looking out for it. He's in a language unit within a MS school, and maybe without supervision these children are an easy target, yes I do believe that. Sometimes ds reacts in a rather spectacular way an children enjoy it.

The problem for us as a family is that because of ds we are becoming more isolated. There is so much we can't do, and whenever we try to do it he just gets so upset. It actually feels like he's controlling us. We can't go anywhere anymore, and to be honest I don't know whether it's just ds being obstinate and wether he could actually cope with it, or that he really has a big social problem. I feel I need to nip it in the bud, buy I worry that it's gone beyond that.

To give an example, ds will not go anywhere willingly. No swimming(which is the only thing he loved). Nowhere that has many other people like shops, car boots,and no kids clubs, outside parks(unless there are only very few children). We can't go anywhere anymore without a big fight, and tbh I haven't got the the strength to make an effort. He's only 8 but if we allow this to carry on we will never go out socially again.

Any advice???

Could you try parks early in the morning when it's light but not busy and then gradually move the time so there may be just a few kids?

Also try similar with swimming just to introduce outings but with less pressure.

Sorry if this is stating the obvious but the early park visits helped my daughter.

ds1 was the same. Refused to leave the house without major protests for years. We couldn't go on home ed field trips or out shopping and yes, he was controlling us.
It got better around 13 when he asked to go to school. Even then he'd refuse to leave the house outside school but now he's 15 he's been to friends houses and last night invited 5 teenage lads over here. They are all nerds of course and spent the evening playing piano and discussing maths but hey, he has friends for the first time ever!!!
It was tough. I'd take him somewhere, cos with dd and her screaming I had to get out of the house or go mad and he'd sit and rock chanting 'homehomehomehome' and drive me nuts. Hospital visits were all 'can we go now, can we go now' and he'd rock with his t-shirt over his head.

Actually I'd forgotten a lot of this!

Mine both have HFA. The boys are 13 and 10.

My husband has found a way of connecting with them on their terms. On some weekends he takes them out to see a film they both fancy, ie quantum of solace, dark knight, that sort of thing. He also is willing to take them Karting every couple of months. He takes them bowling to the same place each time, but again it is when they are really keen to do it.

My way of encouraging them to get out of the house is to be happy to take them to our local pub for their favourite dishes every so often. We celebrate things by doing this.

I am also very happy to arrange visits to a friend at the weekend when the child really wants this.

For us it is about letting go of the 'we are the parents and we announce what you do and when' approach we were both brought up with. We now have a mostly successful approach of being willing to facilitate social/out in the community activities that one or both of our sons like to do.

For me it has been helpful to realise that the children genuinely hate to be pressurised and made to do things. I absolutely hate this too. I have had to do a huge amount of letting go of my 'normal mother pressurising' which I used to do. When they were little I was very much in charge of what we did, now we are going to toddlers, now we are going to the supermarket, now we are going to my friend's house...

Non Violent Communication was a useful book, also anything by the Quakers about listening and coming to joint decisions. I find the more confidence I have in myself, deep down, the less I feel the need to make others do what I want.

Thank you for your suggestions

Although god knows what planet I was on last night, my first paragraph is a load of twaddle

Tis true my ds hates to be pressurized into anything as well and I try and be as understanding as I can but I don't know where to draw the line.

It's just getting worse with ds not wanting to go anywhere and I really don't know whether I'm doing the right thing and allowing him to stay home every weekend. And my god it's so boring.

He literally dosn't want to do anything, a pub meal is a no-no. I took him to the go karts when he was on holiday and he refused to get in one, I thought he'd love that. He would rather stay in than go the cinema. Even holidays are becoming a problem, on our last caravan holiday he got upset whenever we travelled outside the campsite, and yet he didn't care for the campsite entertainment neither, he just wanted to say in the caravan. He went swimming on the first day but refused after that. And now when I mention about any holiday plans he gets upset. I will mention going to the park in the morning but I already know that he'll refuse.