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SN children

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Original poster

Having another baby after a child with SN

25 replies

HangingbaublesofBethlehem · 21/11/2008 21:36

dd is 2.5 and has cp. She's doing great, pootling around on her kaye walker. We're pretty sure she'll be at least a 'part-time' wheelchair user in the future, but hey, we'll handle it.

We have always wanted 3 children - there's only 20 months gap between our first 2 and it has been really really tough, especially since dd's diagnosis. We now feel ready to try again for another baby but helpful relatives are acting like we are mad to even think about it. We've been told by both sets of parents that we couldn't possibly have another child as we can't cope with the 2 we've got - by can't cope I they are referring to the fact that our house is always trashed and we're always tired. I figure that one more couldn't kill us and was doesn't kill us will make us stronger! also dd2 loves babies and I think it would do her good not to be the baby of the family. I don't want to think in the future that we didn't have another child because dd2 is disabled.

does anyone have great tales of tidy houses and families with SN children?!

OP posts:

feelingbitbetter · 21/11/2008 21:53

I don't have any tales of tidy houses - full stop . If its any help, I've no idea where DS is going to be developmentally (mostly doom and gloom from the doc's - but he's proved most of them wrong already), but I would not hesitate to have another child. Like you, I wouldn't want him to be the reason for not doing it. Also, this may sound harsh and I don't mean it to, it would bring a bit of balance to all our lives. Aaaannnd, I know I could handle just about anything now, including another SN child. If anything, I'd be more able to cope with another child than if I didn't have DS and all he brings with him. If another child brought us half the joy he brings (and if possible, half the worry too) then I wouldn't ask for anything more.
Not that I'm thinking about that for at least a couple more years..........

feelingbitbetter · 21/11/2008 21:54

DS hasn't trashed the place yet but he has taken over with all his stuff! Who wants a neat house anyway? I'd much rather have a home.

Original poster

HangingbaublesofBethlehem · 21/11/2008 21:55

totally agree! there's a funny part of me that thinks 'bring it on' - I know we'd be fine with another child with SN, blimey I've become an expert at the daily battle needed to get anything your child needs.

OP posts:

HelensMelons · 21/11/2008 22:31

Life's too short, go for it. DS2 (nearly 8) on the spectrum, he has an older brother (9) and a younger sister (nearly 6). He's stuck right in the middle and it's brilliant. He fights with both of them but they all love each other fiercely. I wouldn't swap it for the world!

Our house is totally trashed, toys meet you at the front door, dinosaurs in the toilet, but it's not for that long really, not when you think about it. The car actually isn't any better.

cory · 21/11/2008 23:06

Listening to helpful relatives with no experience of SN is a totally pointless exercise IME. Go for it!

Mitchell81 · 22/11/2008 07:35

We have DD (8) who is in a wheelchair and developmentally delayed who loves having two brothers, DS1 (2 and 1/2) and DS2 (6 months). We have house full of toys but under the toys it is tidy. I am even coping on my own as DH is away for 3 weeks, it is possible if its something you want to do. I always wanted DD to have siblings as they provide lots of entertainment for her.iykwim
She loves them running around her and doing silly things.
I would love another child but would need to wait until the boys were at least 5 and 7, so I could manage days out of my own again and then another 5 year gap would be hard to go back to the babystage(even though I love the babystage, it is hard work)

SpookyMadMummy · 22/11/2008 07:54

IMO its down to the individuals as to whether you can cope and not other family members.
Dd1 was dx with ASD approximately 1 year after Dd2 was born.
Life is not easy, but we manage. I guess with the tidy house thing (mine usually is) I get the DD's to help us and give them specific jobs regardless of Dd1's ASD. (Dd1 is nearly 7 now and Dd2 is 4 1/2)
We are having Dd3 in March. Not a decision we took lightly. People think we are mad as Dd1 can still occasionally be a handful, but we got them used to the idea and set things in motion now wrt them helping out so it will not be such a shock when the baby arrives.
In short, if its what you want then go for it. You can always get external help (i.e a cleaner even for a couple of hours a week) if you need.
Good luck!

sweetgrapes · 22/11/2008 07:58

I have just the 2 - dd (sn) and then younger ds (nt). Didn't go for a third (yet!) but not because I want to keep my home tidy .

If you want another, then go for it.

needmorecoffee · 22/11/2008 09:10

go for it. I have 4 and the youngest is the one with CP. I'd have more but dh wont let me.

melmamof3 · 22/11/2008 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flamesparrow · 22/11/2008 09:44

I can't help with any of this bar saying - it doesn't matter if you have a SN child or not, it turns out you get the same comments regardless if they don't think you should have another

DD is on the spectrum, but not enough for it to impact on our every day life much, she is just quirky iyswim. But we have still had the comments about tidy house/too tired/don't cope when mooting the idea of a third.

If they don't fancy a third, they will use the easiest reasons it seems

TotalChaos · 22/11/2008 09:49

other family members should mind their own business, if you and your husband want another child go ahead! There's more to life than a tidy house.

wannaBe · 22/11/2008 10:30

it's a very personal decision and is really none of anyone else's business.

I am the reason my parents never had any more children as my mother didn't want another child with a disability (despite being told this was unlikely to happen), imo her reasons were based mostly on prejudice but she made the decision none the less. My neighbour on the other hand made the conscious decision not to have any more children as she felt that another child would affect her ds who is severely autistic, non verbal, and with lots of sensory issues, including a severe aversion (sp?) to loud noise, so she felt a crying baby would impact greatly on him.

I think no matter what people do others will judge, even if it's just someone with nt children having lots of them. I find myself feeling very at the family of a child I give some support to in ds' class, because the children they have are struggling, and yet they are continuing to have more. or at the mother of a child in ds' class whose mother had a baby in September last year and another in July this year. . I think it's human nature to have opinions on situations we don't understand - I don't understand how someone can have 5/6/7 children, my mother can't understand how someone with a disabled child could go on to have another one.

But I think the judgements over having more children when you have a child with disabilities are more hurtful because it feels like a slight on your disabled child?

you have to do what is right for your family.

Graciefer · 22/11/2008 11:17

I definately don't have any tales of tidy houses but this thread really strikes a cord, as we have faced the same comments from mostly friends but some family, for contemplating having a third DC (infact we faced them we thinking about having a second DC).

DS1 (almost 6) is profundly autistic and DS2 (1) has Downs Syndrome alongside various health problems.

Our home generally resembles a landfill site during the DS1 waking hours and to be honest we can't see that changing anytime soon, so adding another set off mischevious hands into the mix isn't really an issue for us.

We would also love to have grandchildren one day (although we are acutely aware their are no guarnatees in this life), so this adds to our resolve to want more children. However this isn't often understood by others, infact the only person we have found to be really positive about us wanting more children is our DS's paeditrician!

It has always been my opinion that you should always do what is right for you and your family, not conform to the expectation of others (who mostly don't really have the first idea about what life is like within your family unit) and that it is you who is most expertly placed to know what you can and can not cope with.

Anyways good luck with any decisions you make.

PS - I guess this is the ideal thread to announce to everyone that I am 6 weeks pregnant with DC3, yayyyyyyyy!

mumgoingcrazy · 22/11/2008 12:59

Congratulations Gracifer!!!

I have DD1 (NT) and DD2 (sn) and I am definately up for having another. I'm just waiting for our dx with DD2, so far we believe she is just GDD due to being severely tactile defensive but are awaiting results. Once we have a dx and know more about our future we'll go for it.

DD2 sn's have no way put me off, in fact my mother said I should go for it, as it was too much pressure on DD1 to have to look after DD2 when we were no longer around.

DD2 is perfect in every way and her sn has definately not put me off.

cory · 22/11/2008 13:27

Congratulations!!!

Original poster

HangingbaublesofBethlehem · 22/11/2008 16:15

Congrats Graciefer! great news. Hopefully we won't be too far behind you if all goes well

OP posts:

melmamof3 · 22/11/2008 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Graciefer · 22/11/2008 17:48

Thanks for the congrats everyone and sorry HBAB, I didn't mean to hijack your thread.

SunshinePine · 22/11/2008 17:58

The choice is yours and no-one else's. If your other children don't have SN apart from the one mentioned then it's very unlikely that the baby will have SN as well. Unfortunately others will advise you against a baby in case you have another "like that", something I find really insulting to me and the child it refers to.

The only reason you should consider not having another child is if you think it will adversely affect your child with SN if they have ASD etc.

People always assumed I didn't want another child because 5yo DD is incontinent and I didn't want to have to worry about two children in nappies. Nonsense anyway as my eldest two only had a 2 year age gap so were both in nappies at the same time, and then DS2 was still in nappies when DD was born.

The reason I didn't want another child was mostly because if we did go for another one, in 2 1/2 years we may have arrived at the situation where DD (then 7) would still be in nappies yet her 5 year younger sibling was out of them, and this may have upset her.

Do what you think is right and defend your decision. Even if you do get another one with SN does anything really make them less important and loveable than any other child? Of course not!

p.s. Congratulations Graciefer on DC3!

yomellamoHelly · 22/11/2008 19:06

FWIW I found out I was pg with our 3rd the week after we were first told ds2 had cp. He'll be 2.4 when the newbie arrives.
Our house is a complete muddle, but at the moment that's largely down to ds1 (5). (Am really busy with ds2 and consequently too knackered to spend all my downtime tidying.)
Maybe we're mad, but ds2 will also benefit hugely from having another sibling to play with. The last thing I want to do is wrap him in cotton wool and treat him like some delicate thing.
We've been told ds2 is severely disabled, but I have difficulty seeing it tbh. He's a lovely lovely boy (as is ds1) and the thought of another lovely child is actually really exciting. (Though sorting out the professionals has been a nightmare - I'm sure we'll eventually get there.) We wouldn't do anything if we thought about it too much.
And ditto the congrats to Graciefer!

Sidge · 22/11/2008 22:11

Congratulations Gracifer

I think a lot of people thought we were bonkers when we announced we were expecting baby number 3, having had DD2 with a (non-hereditary) genetic disorder. It was something DH and I had debated about for months, then decided that life was too short to wonder 'what if' and that regret of not having another much wanted child would be a shame.

So we went for it (it took a while, DH was away at sea A LOT!) and we were so lucky to have DD3 just over 2 years ago.

My girls are my pride and joy, they adore each other and give us so much pleasure. It's bloody hard work (and will get harder as DD2 gets older) and somehow I manage 3 children, 1 with SN, a husband away for months on end, and a nearly full time job, no family support and I still manage to keep my house fairly clean and tidy!

Ignore what other people say, they aren't the ones that will be living your life.

mabanana · 22/11/2008 22:22

I have to admit, I would have liked another child but didn't push dh because despite my broodiness was quite scared because ds has Aspergers and there is a lot of Aspie/ADHD stuff in my family and I was worried that I would have a more severely disabled child. I do sometimes regret not laying it on the line more with dh and trying for another though.

TopBitch · 23/11/2008 08:59

Before having dd2, people questioned me about my decision. If I had listened to their silly remarks, then I wouldn't have beautiful dd2

It's your decision, you do what's best for YOU not for anyone else.

SunshinePine · 25/11/2008 17:52

Whatever you do, let it be your decision, and yours alone

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