thanks to all who advised me about possible emigration

[cory]

Have now made our minds up and decided not to emigrate to Norway. Just sent the emails off. Mainly because of dd's disability and fears that she will not cope well with the move, the climate or the topography of the place.

Unfortunately, dd is terribly upset with me and will barely speak to me. She has cried masses and keeps locking herself in her room.

She never came up with any real arguments for going, but last night I finally got out of her what she felt. She is confused and unhappy after the years of not being believed, to the extent where she feels she doesn't know herself if she really is in pain or not. She feels going to a new country she'd be able to start with a clean slate and become a new person and wouldn't have these doubts. I can't work out whether she actually thinks the disability would go away or not.

What do you do with an argument like this? It is totally irrational, she admits herself that none of the people who are now in charge of her medical care or her education have ever doubted her in any way. She just doubts herself, and she thinks she could start again.

It seems so cruel to point out to her that her disability wouldn't go away, she would just end up trying to explain it to a new set of people (in a new language!), and she would have the same issues about knowing when she needs to stay home from school etc.

She is very very unhappy and confused. Can anyone send me some comforting thoughts? Am I making a horrible mistake? But dh and I have to decide as adults.

btw dd is 12.

I am sorry that making the decision has been so difficult. You are right - you and your dh have to decide, as the adults, what to do. And unfortunately, there are always "what might have beens". But you can only live your life, and make the decisions that seem most right at the time.

I wonder whether you dd liked the thought of moving, precisely because she could leave all the doubts behind. she is now believed by the docotrs in charge of her, but form hat you say, wasn't for many years. However, she would be arriving in a new country with a dx, rather than trying to persuade the people in Norway that she should have the dx.

I hope she feels a little better soon - maybe try having a chat with her about how you cannot leave problems behind (whether the actual disability, or the years of not being believed), and that she may not want to believe you, but she would have been the same person, with the same thoughts, and the same knowledge of being doubted for many years wherever she is, and that if she thinks she could set it behind her in Norway, then she could well do the same staying here?

Thanks, Silverfrog. The thing that really upset me was that she talked about "when you didn't believe me" and "when you made me walk on my bad ankle". It sounded like "you failed me then and you are failing me now". And she is right: I did fail her then.

Of course I did what the doctors had told me was the right thing at the time, but it was wrong and I do know it. I find it surprisingly hard to cope with the suggestion that this is wrong in the same way.

Doesn't help that I am still under the weather after a really bad bout of flu. So is she, come to think of it.

It ounds as though she is growing up - which is not easy at the best of times - and questioning what happened/why things happened.

She is becoming her own person, and may well be thinking that she would have done things differently - again, it's back to the old "you can only do what you think is right at the time". And at the time, you had a lot of doctors telling you something, and you believed them. You cannot feel guilty for that.

Your dd is trying to find her way through a very mature thing - the fact that you may not agree with your parents over something, but that, at heart, everyone is trying to do what is best.

Any chance of the two of you having a cosy girls night (dvd? chocolate? nice meal?) and talking some of this through?

Am trying to decide whether we should talk more now or whether I am badgering her too much and should try to back off a little bit and just have a nice time. (don't feel much like anything with this flu)

As soon as I'm better we will take her out for an Indian as a belated birthday treat; she came down with flu and a high fever on her birthday and hasn't really been right since.

I think we need to think of fun things to do in this country.

Agree with Silverfrog. I think that 12 can be an awkward age - as what with hormones etc and not quite being as mature as you feel, feelings etc can be very intense, and life seem very black and white. Hopefully you can chat about ways to make her life happier now - activies/outings/girly time

I didn't really think about her age in connection with this- but yes, I think you might both have a point. The thing is, she reached puberty 2 years ago and has been through so much and seemed so matured by it, that I kind of don't expect her to go all emotional and irrational. But of course that's exactly what teenagers do do. Not to mention post-viral people.

She has actually gone out of her way to be affectionate to me this evening, though she is clearly very upset. Hopefully it will become easier for her now that all the discussion has died down.

Activities and outings are difficult as all her energy goes on holding her body together for school- and even that is beginning to get a bit much. If I take her out at the weekend, chances are she won't be able to make school on Monday. But I can at least feed her well (she has no weight problems).

you are the adults and you have to make the decision - i am sure you are being careful about not letting dd feel that she is the reason you are not going (even though on here you said it is) - hopefully you can work out a way of explaining to her that the decision is best for you as a family, and have reasons for not going that are nothing to do with dd's disability. otherwise, she's going to feel fairly confused and guilty that it was something you wanted to do (even if you didn't - and i vaguely remember you not being particularly keen in any case) and that she in some way prevented it from happening... just a thought lol, as that is what we are working through here.
we, on the other hand, ARE moving to canada next year. IF i can persuade the powers that be that dd2's disability is not going to cost them a fortune and they will let us go. suffice to say we aren't telling the kids until all the powers that be have agreed we can go - don't want that hanging around dd2's neck when everyone else is so keen to get there lol!
hope you manage to sort it out for everyone's peace of mind. x

I know, I need to be careful about this one, Romy. We did mention it as part of an adult discussion of all the pros and cons, but that's all. I also listed all the other reasons for staying here: nearer to Grandma, better research libraries for me in this country, cost of living in Norway meaning we almost certainly couldn't afford a house, better education here, Daddy's rather specialised job etc. So I hope she doesn't feel overwhelmed by the thought that it's all about her. But of course those things are hard to gauge.

so difficult to make a decision. we are looking at the prospect of having to visit the school and medical authorities where we would be living, in theory without dd2 knowing they are 'inspecting' her for suitability lol... quite how we are going to explain that we are taking a couple of days out of the mountains to drive 4 hours to a village in the middle of nowhere to visit a school and a doctor lol, i just don't know! fortunately our dd2 is a little younger so a bit easier to spin... ('we're going to visit to see if we like it and see if we would like to move there later in the year' lol)
hopefully you can work out a way to reassure her - and having made the 'right' decision has got to be a good starting point. hopefully she is calmer now. her reaction could partly be relief - having had to get her head round the idea of possible upheaval, and now mixed feelings about not having to...