Please can i have some advice reg Dd1 (AS) having problems at school etc...

[Marne]

Sorry i didn't know who else to talk to, i am sat here in tears and not sure who i should be talking to (at the school).

As some of you my have seen in my other thread dd1 has not been eating and comes home with most of her lunch still in her lunch box. Today she ate one bite of her sandwich, when i asked her why she hadn't eaten her lunch she said because she was upset, another child (my neighbours dd) told me that another child (we shall call her 'o') has told dd that nobody likes dd and she has no friends, 2 more children came up to me and told me the same, i felt so for dd1.

When we got home i asked dd1 again about lunch time and she said she couldn't eat her lunch because she was crying because of O being nasty to her . I offered dd1 her lunch when she got home but she refussed to eat it.

O has been nasty to dd1 in the past, she has locked her in the cloack room and has hit dd1, i am friends with O'S mother and we have been over there house for a play date, O was realy rough with dd infront of her mother, i was that her mother just laughed at O.

Anyway i have 3 issues that are upsetting me.

1. Dd1 not eating and the school not helping her to eat her lunch.

2. Dd1 not eating at home and not gaining weight.

3. Her problems at school with O and possibly other children.

Now for a few questions.

1. Do i need to speek to the school about both issues?

2. Would it help if i got her statemented? and how do i do this?

3. Who do i talk to about her eating problems? (GP, Health visitor etc..)

4. Is this just how life is for AS children reg being different and having problems at school?

Sorry for the rant, i hope you can advice me on what to do for the best.

Poor dd and poor you {{{hugs}}}

Does dd have food issues at all? If not then I expect the bullying by this other girl is making her anxious and affecting her appetite. Definitely speak to the school about both issues.

As for getting her statemented then if she is having problems in school becuase of her AS then that is certainly something to consider. I think the best thing to do is have a meeting with the school and discuss it with them first and see what they say. Regardless of their opinion though you can still apply for a statutory assessement yourself - in fact its supposed to be better if the parents apply rather than the school. You'll need to contact the LEA to do this.

Sadly lots of children with AS do have problems at school but there is no excuse for bullying and the school have a duty to ensure your dd is not being victimised.

Yes dd has alot of food issues which have got worse since starting school but she would usualy eat the things i give her for lunch.

At the moment dd wont eat any meat, fish and veg, she's basicly living on potato waffles and blueberries (not together).
I think the problems at school have made it worse.

I expect they have poor dd I have no experience of food issues but I'm sure you'll get lots of advice on that from others on here as its quite common especially for children on the autisitc spectrum.

I love the idea of writing on a banana, i think she would like that , i used to put little notes in her lunch box for nursery when she was feeling sad.

Well, this is how life is for a lot of children with ASDs at school, for example, in the same way it used to be 'expected' for children to use racist taunts until it became extremely illegal and they had to report each one to the school Governors. Is it all part of life? Nope. Shouldn't be. It's very poor behaviour by those children, and the school need to take immediate action to help them understand their behaviour and its consequences. A whole-school approach is vital. Even if they don't like someone, they should not be saying it to a child with a disability.

Definitely seek a statement. Ask to see the SENCO and the Head and ask what can be done about the bullying/exclusion that the children are using against your dd. Even if the school see it as something 'minor', that's because they don't understand how ASD minds work. We focus on 'what's wrong', and if a child says they don't like us, that becomes 100% of the reality of friendships for us. We can't 'take a view' on it at all. Part of understanding the disability is helping the children to be respectful of any child with a disability.

Food: Might be worth the school allowing your dd to have a quiet safe space to eat in, in which she can have a hobby she enjoys. Likewise, at home maybe some unwinding time first, in a very quiet safe space for her, then see whether she's happier to try the food. Putting it on a familiar plate might help if she's starting to associate the lunchbox with 'people bullying me' (we can make some strange links between things...!).

If no luck with food, do get good advice from GP or local charity about things to try. Different textures, smells, etc can be really distracting for us, so it's worth (in a quiet calm moment) getting dd to talk about how it feels to eat something and really focusing on it - is it too hot, too cold, too lumpy, too smelly? We're SO bad at realising what's wrong until we're asked to focus on each thing in turn.

Hi Marne,

You have received many good responses and I hope you take heed.

IPSEA are very good at the whole minefield that can be the statementing process and there are letters on there that you can use:-

www.ipsea.org.uk

You will need to write to the Chief Education Officer of your LEA and give them six weeks to reply. Make the application yourself asap, do not let school do it. For a start you know its been done then and also you have the right of appeal if the LEA say no to statutory assessment.

GP should refer you hopefully to someone like a paediatric dietician (these people do exist). There is much ignorance out there re food issues and or food phobia. I also think school have made things worse re the food (they do love to push that 5 a day message) in your daughter's case.

BTW are you still friends with O's Mother?.
Surely not after what happened at her house, your poor DD. "O" and her mother sounds particularly awful people to associate with.

Marne, I,m sorry you and DD are having such a hard time, I have hesitated to answe your thread as although DS2 has AS his eating problems are realively minor compared to some children. What I do have some family experience of is eating disorders, I really don't want to scare you but I have read recently that researchers think that many of the girls who develop anorexia could have undiagnosed AS (which as we know is probably underdiagnosed in girls in general). I know about Anorexia because my mother had it when I was a child (and still has a strange diet that would be recognisable to many parents of AS kids!) and I had it briefly following an illness when I was @10. The underlying cause of anorexia can be a desire to be in control of something when everything around you seems beyond your control, the more stressed and upset your DD is by school the more "safe" she wants to make her diet, understandable really.
My mum (who has quite a few AS traits) eventually improved when she had the opportunity to take up art, she went to art school as a mature student. I think she then had something to distract her from her food obbssession (she cooked a lot and stuffed us full of home-baking!) and something to improve her self -esteem and be in control of. If you could find a hobby or activity that your DD could enjoy that might help (I agree with what Amber has said about food also). I hope I haven't scared you with talk of Anorexia, its just that food issues can be so complicated and often more than just a sensory thing.

I would definitely apply for a statement as others have suggested. DS's life turned around when he started to get support at school. His eating problems also improved considerably. No wonder your DD isn't eating if she is having such a hard time at school. Feel very for you and her but it will get better. Get the ball rolling today.

Thank ally- thats interesting as my SIL (dh's sister) suffers from eating disorder, dh shows traits of AS so maybe his sister is AS too .

The school/dd's teacher has phoned me and explained that O isn't supossed to sit next to dd but as the teacher wasn't there today they sat together. She said that they have been to relaxed with O but this time she has taken it to far. She said dd1 has alot of friends and is always picked first in games etc.. (all the children like sitting with dd), she said this has to be delt with ASAP as she doesn't want dd thinking nobody likes her. As for the eating she said dd doesn't eat much as she is too busy chatting to her friends, i told the teacher about her eating problems and she said she will make sure dd gets extra help at lunch time (someone to prompt her to eat). She suggested if it doesn't get better i should talk to our GP.

She then phoned O's mother. O's mother then phoned me to apoligise for O's behaviour, she said i did the rite thing by phoning the school as she is having problems getting through to O herself. She then made O apolagise to mo on the phone but wouldnt let her talk to dd1 as she would get upset, O then started screeming down the phone . She is going to say sorry to dd in the morning. O and her parents have a meeting with the school on monday as she has upet another child as well as dd1.

Glad to hear that the school is taking action and that O is being tackled about her behaviour(I'm starting to feel worried about her now as well as your DD!), its good that its been dealt with before the weekend.

I feel sorry for O to, which is why we tried so hard to get along with her and her mother, most parents wont take there children to her house to play as she can play rough. Her mother says she was fine at nursery but since starting school and the birth of her brother (he week before she started school) she has been a real handful.