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[sphil]

I've posted this in behaviour but am copying it to here as I feel as if some of you 'know' DS1 a bit from my meanderings about whether or not he may be on the spectrum. Though I don't think this is an SN issue...

DS1 is now 7.5 and in Yr 3. He has been talking recently about 'not being a proper boy' and 'not being a real person'. He is a gentle, non-macho child who enjoys reading, computer games, playing with Lego and imaginative play but isn't into sport or bike riding, despite being given the opportunity to do these things. When I asked him why he felt he wasn't a 'proper boy' he said it was because he wasn't 'into the things that other boys are into'. I tried to reassure him that all boys were different but he wasn't keen to have a discussion about it.

Does anyone know of a book which tackles this subject? He responds very well to stories - it would be good to find something which underlines the fact that boys can be gentle and don't have to be macho to be valued. Or something that I can read that tackles the gender/identity issue. It's odd in a way that he's feeling like this as this year he has seemed to be much more 'in with the crowd' and has had far more invites to play/parties etc. The other boys appear very friendly and he never talks about being teased or left out of things.
TIA oh wise ones.

He needs to meet ds2 (although not ds3 ) We must get our entire families together (eek!)

Has he got any role models?
My dh hates all sport - has never supported a football team, always preferred to read a book than play out. However, if it's only sport then it's not really the case that he's not masculine is it? I consider lego and computer games to be entirely masculine things! Perhaps if he could find a role model he feels similar to and respects it would help him to say 'I'm just like uncle John'.
Also there's an important distinction between being crap at something and preferring not to do it. So perhaps you could highlight that for his sense of worth - hope that doesn't sound silly!

You say this isnt an SN issue, but actually I think it may be. The fact that your DS may be on the spectrum, and that he is mixing well with other children is probably making him acutely aware that he is different. Even my 5 yr old DS with HFA recognises that he is different, and can be very astute. He recognises that he cannot do what other children do. Your DS may not mean that he is not being a proper boy, in the sense that he is not sporty or macho, he may be expressing an awareness of his difference as a boy with a ASD. Does that make any sense?

No real advice other than to encourage him to embrace his individuality and focus on his positive qualities.
It sounds as if he has a very supportive peer group which is part of the battle.

That does make sense Widemouth - as he becomes more integrated into the group he is becoming more aware of differences. DH is very keen on sport, cycling etc and has tried to encourage DS1. But because he's not very coordinated he finds those sorts of activities hard. It's this, I think, which has led to his apparent lack of interest. I think, very very deep down, DH is a bit disappointed that he can't do 'manly stuff' with DS1 and I need to encourage them to do more together. They are very different - DS1 is very like me as a child.

Just realised this doesn't have a title - will repost - sorry!

My DH feels this with our DS - he gets upset when he sees the kids playing football on the green outside or house, and DS does not have any desire to join in. He is depserately trying to teach DS to ride his bike - and DS really wants to but he is just not able to do it, and it is causing a great deal of disapointment and stress.

Is your DS too young for some of the books aimed at helping them understand their ASD - or is this a presumptious suggestion if you do not have a confirmed diagnosis.

I may be totally, completely, utterly way off the mark here... but a friend of mine was always quite sure from maybe about 4ish that she wasnt quite like the other girls, never quite fitted in. At 7y/o she asked the local shop assistant if she would marry her when she was old enough. My friend is now in a very happy long-term deeply committed relationship with her girlfriend. Another friend who has 4 DC, has said for the last couple of years that her DS1 is "the only gay in the village" (her words not mine), he complains that "there arent enough colours for pants for boys", and he is extremely sensitive for a boy of 7.

As i said, i may be totally off the mark, and Im sorry if ive caused offence and its really not like that at all. I was just wondering if thats what you were getting at, after all homosexual people can have ASD's too. Please dont flame me!

No, that's fine - I'd be quite happy for him to be gay, as long as it made him happy!

We aren't going down the diagnosis route as yet - partly because we're unsure whether he's on the spectrum or 'quirky', partly because he wouldn't get any more input than he's getting already (help with fine motor skills) and partly because he has quite a negative view of his brother's autism and I think it would be a huge blow to his self esteem if he thought he was on the spectrum. This (the negative view of autism) is something we're working hard to change but we're not there yet. I had thought that books like 'Martian in the Playground' might be good but they're all too 'extreme' for DS1 to identify with. I know I sound as if I'm in denial but he really does only have the mildest of traits and I think, for him, a label would be more damaging than helpful atm.

I need a book in which the boy hero is different from the male norm but saves the day! Or something...

Freak the Almighty is supposed to be good - its had loads of rave reviews, havent read it myself. Its about 2 boys (one physically less able, and one AS) who 'save the day'.

I absolutely get where you are coming from on a 'label' front. We've had a whole to-do with DS1 (ADHD+) because he didnt realise he was 'disabled' and got quite upset when the whole issue of DLA came up. So i agree with avoiding that if its actually going to be no help at all.