Thinking of NOT having a birthday party for DD, is that terrible?

[lou031205]

I am a bit torn. DD is 3 in December. She doesn't seem to cope amazingly well with birthday parties, and opts out of most elements. Having said that, she has grasped the concept of a 'birthday' in the last 6 months or so & loves the idea of a cake!

An example is that we went to her cousin's 4th birthday last week. She couldn't understand pass the parcel & screamed when the chocolate (one child had already unwrapped a layer and revealed a chocolate coin) passed her by, so my lovely SIL made sure she was next.

She then didn't understand musical statues, and spent the game climbing on a coffee table and 'discovering' the family ornaments.

When the children had to find a little stuffed toy in the lounge with their name on it, she didn't understand what we were meant to do, and wasn't interested in helping.

When the children were asked to decorate their party boxes, DD went out and played on the swings instead.

All in all, DD was in a little world of her own. This has got me thinking "who would the party be for?" all the other children would enjoy it, and I would tick the 'good mummy' box, but what would DD get out of it? Not much.

So I was thinking about not having a party, and doing something with Mummy, Daddy, Nanny & Grandad (who she adores) as a treat instead.

We could still invite close friends and family to pop in for some cake in the afternoon.

The only thing I am worried about is that in some ways it feels as if I am copping out, and that it is a sign that I don't love her, because if I loved her I would make the effort .

But I really don't think she enjoys parties. What do you think?

a cake and some friends and family sounds perfect for any 3 year old.

I avoided parties until they both started school and then did a really big one in reception.

It is precicely because you love her that you want to put effort into doing something that she will appreciate, instead of what people might or might not expect.

my ds also doesnt grasp whole b day party concept also asd

but we have for last few years just had family round with food and cake and he loves blowing out candles on a cake left out all the bits in between as think for a 3 yr old this is over whelming anyway

i just let him run around and be crazy on his b day bless him

he loved it and eveyone could see he was happy and thats all that counts

oh and i done this because if a big party overwhelmed him and he lost the lime lite of his day thewn it would be a dissapointment but as for the quieter do qwhich is pefect for them then there going to shine and that is what they deserve on there b day

Thank you all. Until now, I have always thought that she will 'get' the 'next' party she goes to. But it is so full of structure that she flounders. I think I will just have to go for it, and brave the inevitable comments when I am asked about her party that isn't happening.

and thats because we love them we put there best interests at heart as we know they would enjoy there day better and be the star it'll still be fun have kiddie music in background and a day thats fun and easy going will be more appreciated than a world thats to loud and confusing and crowded

i know what one will win she will shine on her b day it doesnt make youa cop out it makes you a fab mummy because your putting her needs first

My DD1 will be 4 in January and this will be her 1st proper party. Other years has been family only and some cake, and she has had a brilliant time and been totally happy with that. Don't feel bad, this is your DD's day so do whatever she would want to do, not what you think you should. DD2 has sn and she has also just had the family party.

ok here's the mum of a nine month old speaking but I am always amazed at the fuss made about birthday parties. how many mums would prefer not to have them as kids get overtired, overstimulated, overspoiled and things need to get bigger and better all the time

I think that you are a fab mum for thinking so carefully about what your child would enjoy. what's the point of a party if she doesn't?

my MIL was 75 last wednesday. she is dementing. we took her to a really posh and expensive restaurant with the lady who manages her affairs. she had a fab time. yes, could have organised a party with all her friends and family and left her exhausted and cofused. what's the point and who benefits?

go for it

Agree with all of the above. We never do parties for DS2 - awful for him. Cake with family is just perfect.
And to be honest it took DS1 (who is NT) til he was at least 4 to 'get' parties and not just want to play with the kids other toys or get annoyed about not winning everything. They are quite a challenge....

family treat sounds like a good idea. ditto cake for any body that "pops into play" .
Boy will be 3 in spring and we are teaming up with another family to rent the community hall and toddler group toys for a saturday late morning "stay n play n lunch". basicly toddler group plus sandwiches and party rings. Thats about the level our boys can cope with.

Anything with bouncy castles or disco music ( sports hall parties are popular round here) we have to deal with boy going into melt down over a she hates the noise, he also doesn;t " get" pass the parcel.

Have a treat, then have a family birthday tea.

I finally gave up on parties a few years ago. Last year we hired the Mystery Machine and Scooby Doo drove us (me, dh, ds1, ds2, ds3 and my Mum and Dad) around for an hour. The year before we had a hideous white hummer. DS1 loved it. Then back home for birthday tea and cake. Very successful.

My DS is now 7 and he has ASD. He never used to understand typical party games, this seemed to kick in for him at around 6.

He's always loved soft play centres though, and at these types of party there's not normally the same structure as the more traditional ones.

We have a lovely sensory room / special needs soft play area quite nearby which can be booked for parties. Is there anything like this near you?

No, we just have a big treat for DD (usually going to the aquarium) and a nice family meal out. She doesn't really have any friends (she's 4.5 with language impairment) but loves a day out with family. It's all got so much less stressful when I stopped trying to have a proper "party" for her. Actually she does enjoy parties, but she's much more comfortable in adult company than with other children her own age! Actually, I sometimes dread the idea of her being invited to a party by some of her classmates as most of them don't realise she has SN! Fortunately it hasn't happened yet!!

Im going to sound the worst mummy ever then...

I have 5 sons ranging 16y - 2yrs, and NEVER ONCE have we had a party for them. WE DO however ALWAYS have a day out of their choice ie theme park, zoo, aquarium, etc. We as a family always have fantastic birthdays and we dont have extended family squabbles that way either and no clearing up.

On the cake front: we light THE cake after breakfast, and eat a cheaper one. Dinner time we do mini-rolls with candles (easy for out and about), and relight THE cake and eat after tea, results in lots of cake, and lots of blowing out candles!!!

DS5 (2.5 autism) loved his last birthday, had a fantastic time - we were all ill (except him!), it was quiet, he opened his presents in his own time and played with them in his way all day. and we had cake 2 days running cos no-one ate it the first day. XXX

havn't had one for dd yet and she is 4. She doesn't know what a party is or a birthday so why bother?

NMC: because you might want to celebrate her life in a special way for the day? doesnt necessarily mean a party tho, just doing things that she enjoys - whatever, and however small they might be.

PS now you're going to say that you celebrate her life EVERY day, and thats really not what im getting at

heh. I think its cos I'm a bah humbug party pooper. Always loathed them, even for the other 3 kids. Soon as they reached 7 or so and weren't that fussed never did a party again although they had presents.

My ds has never had a party and he's 8 years old. He would find it so stressful that he'd want to leave early!

But I do get where you're coming from Lou, I've felt guilty at times that maybe I should at least give it one try but it's pointless, he just doesn't like them. So I've stopped worrying about it now and just let him do exactly what he wants to do on his special day. Last year I offered the zoo or a theme park, and he just opted for a whole day in front of the computer. A perfect day for him!

Thank you all so much. It is silly really, I suppose I have been thinking I need to squeeze her into the mold of other children her age, when actually I need to just let her be her.

I spoke about it with a very close RL friend, who is VERY into birthday parties, and she said that it was the right decision for DD, so that is another reassurance.

I am going to do a day out with Nanny, Grandad, Mummy and DD2, and then invite her cousins and her two special friends round for play and cake in the afternoon. She will love blowing the candles out.

You need to do whats right for you and your dd if she doesnt understand and doesnt really enjoy it i would do something she would like.
I remember my DD 3rd birthday party it was awful everyone had a lovely time except her she spent most of the time under a table, didnt join in any games, didnt eat anything hated the noise. so for a couple of years after that we toned the birthday thing right down, it was still special, just not on such a big scale.
My DD is 7 now and has enjoyed a sixth and seventh birthday party and other children's parties, but i have to stay with her as she gets very insecure if i leave her with adults she doesnt know that well.
Sounds like she will love just having a cake with candles and sharing her special day with her close family and friends.
And dont feel guilty you know her best and we can all go a bit over the top with this party thing anyway. have a lovely day.

DS2, who has ASD, had his first ever birthday party with friends this year (he's 6). Before that we always did an outing (usually on a steam train) with family only. So much less stressful than a party too