wwyd- leave or stay

[cory]

Have just had offer of job abroad. Lots of issues of different kinds, but the two most important are:

*it may be my last chance of career success; I have a pt job here, but I did put a lot into my PhD and am not getting much recognition here

but:*I can't be sure of the effect on dd who is disabled through Ehlers Danlos. Have had a lot of fights with authorities over the years here, but the situation now is looking good: she has had good medical treatment, we know who to call on if there's a setback, she is at an accessible school where she has a lot of support, transport and all the facilities she needs

As for what it would be like if we relocated, we just don't know. It may be fine, but I can't guarantee it. Have written to the LEA and received reassuring general whaffle but no info about actual schools (of course we can't know what area we'd get a house in yet). In fact, the sort of reassuring whaffle you'd get here- but then it's taken me 4 years of fighting. Not sure I can go through that again tbh. But then again, it may genuinely be fine.

Also- it is a very hilly place (difficult to push a wheelchair). And the climate is the wettest in Europe- so how good is this for someone with a joint condition?
(otoh our present location is poss not v good for ds's asthma as quite polluted).

What would you do? Dh is too nice to say anything, dd clamours that she wants to go, I feel it's all up to me. Have posted this in SN forum as dd's SN does seem to be the most crucial factor.

dd2 has cp but independent mobility on flat/level (mostly) and we are trying to move to canada (erm, yes, snow, extreme temps, mountains etc) so i do know what you are feeling!
we know we could go and all the dcs would be fine (i have contacted local schools and the health authority and know how the systm works) but the issue for us is the same - if for some reason we have to come back, there are no jobs (for either of us) and we have to start at the bottom of the statementing/ nhs waiting lists process...
fwiw, our decision is to keep trying to go(as it is outside europe the issue is whether they would take dd2 as she has a disability), as otherwise we will spend the rest of our lives wondering what would have happened 'if'...
really difficult (but immensely exciting) decision. at 90 will you say 'i wish we had... stayed in the uk/ gone for it'...

Thanks Peachy, it really helps to hear from someone else in the same situation.

Mine is slightly different as I am already in an academic job- it's just that it's part time and little chance of expanding. Also, because I have the PhD and had published before it all happened, I am not cut off from academic work wherever I live: I'm just cut off from being paid for most of the research I do . But I still have the satisfaction of seeing my articles published and I do have a publisher for my next book that is not dependent on where we live. So it's not a question of doing my life work or not doing it; it's about actually being in the job, the recognition, the career part. But even now, I can go to conferences and people know my name. (it's just that the conference fee is paid for out of the child benefit....

Also, dd is now in a good school, where she is challenged and works hard; moving will probably mean downgrading. All right, so academia is not the be-all and end-all, but it is what she's got, seeing that she is mobility impaired and too easily tired for lots of other activities. Her writing is the one thing that consoles her for all the things she can't do. So I am wary of taking that away from her. I know she would pick up Norwegian in a matter of years, but she is at a sensitive age (just turning 12) and I don't want her confidence to take a knock.

But really, it's the thought of those hills. Have been googling Norwegian estate agents and all the houses seem to be clinging to mountain edges. I find it hard enough to push her wheelchair on the flat.

But then again...the place is beautiful. (but then again, so is the New Forest. And the sun shines here. It rained for 85 consecutive days in t'other place last year. 85!!! And the temperature seems to hover around 10-15C).

The problem with listening to my heart is...I don't know what my heart is saying.

I want two lives!!! One where I am a single carefree person who can go swanning round the globe and have an exciting career, and one where I can put down roots.

Cross-posted with Romy- thanks that's great to get that perspective.

And I'm beginning to realise more things. This move means different things to different family members.

To dd it represents adventure- going to a new place.

I had my adventure 15 years ago, coming here. I don't really feel the need for another one or a different one; this is still adventurous enough for me.

To dh it represents adventure on a good day (he keeps changing his mind). He has never seriously lived abroad, just had a kibbutz year when very young.

To ds it is scary.

To my Mum it is reassuring, her dd will be moving to a culture that she believes is identical with hers (she's never lived there and people who have assure me it isn't, but never mind).

We haven't told MIL yet, but expect she will be upset though bravely struggle to hide it (only grandchildren, she is paralysed so can't travel).

cory-I remember when I mae the ecision, I was very much the opposite: you seems very focussed n the negatives which I think maybe is a sign that this isnt right for you? deciding against one choice doesn't mean you won't take the next you know, there's often sense in waitin (I would have attended a russell group uni if I had waited another week to arrange the move, though I dont allow myself to think about that pmsl)

We have a lot of hats to wear and sometimes our own needs get put on too low a footing. Are you excited by the post?
Agree with Peachy -how will you feel if you dont take the post? Ofcourse other oportunities may come but what if they dont -would you be comfortable with that? Could you find another way of 'fufilling' your potential? (This is pot calling kettle black - gave it all up to be ds mum - he has sn so can now only dabble. I am mostly comfortable with it - though the future scares me!)

cory - have you got a wcs chair or your own? i'm just curious as that's the other aspect of moving - i'll have to fund a wc in advance and get the house adapted with rails etc... all a bit of an extra saga. in our position dd2 is a lot younger (5) and there won't be a language issue. i would be really concentrating on dd's views and discussing with her - at 12 she is old enough to understand the implications?
you do sound as though you are talking yourself out of it btw

I know I do sound very negative. The problem is, I don't know a 100% if that is because I feel negative, or because everybody else is saying 'go for it' and I feel I'm the only one left to do the voice of reason.

Have tried talking to dd, but all she says is she wants to go, because it sounds exciting and it's pretty. She just won't discuss the practical aspects.

(oh, and Peachy, I already am at a Russell Group university. Not the be-all-and-end-all IMO, though it's quite pleasant).

Have spent the week-end off with flu, so it's been quite restful.

Did at least manage a long lunch with dh, away from the children. He is very positive on the surface, but worried underneath.