How do I make my 8 yr old dd1 with ASD happy - do I simply try harder or give up?

[Wills]

I have three children and life at the moment is completely revolving around the eldest. It has for a while now and its not right. This week so far she's been on 2 Art courses, been to the zoo and had a friend round. At the moment she's shut herself in her bedroom have a mega grizzle because her little sister got to go to a Halloween/birthday party this afternoon whilst she was at her art club. She can't understand that dd2 happens to have a friend who has a birthday at the right time of year. I seriously can't get this through to her - she really does feel that her life is awful. By the way this is one of many tantrums that have been going on all week. I'm really exhausted trying to make her happy whilst giving the other two any attention whatsoever. Any ideas?

A thought - it could be that the changes in routine are what's doing it, and she's expressing her fear and 'overload' through tantrums and shutting herself away.

I have to think what I'd do if it was half term and I went on art courses and to the zoo and had a friend round and had two other children in the house, and the short answer is grizzle, and lock myself away. Our reactions are often the exact opposite of what makes another child very happy, unfortunately. The things that should be wonderful are sometimes highly stressful for us. New places, different expectations, social events with all the eye contact and social conversation and need to fit in with other people etc. I can't tell whether that is or isn't the case for your DD1 but it might be. Maybe she's desperate to do something very very familiar each day instead, but hasn't the understanding of herself to say so?

If not, feel free to ignore this completely - it's just me thinking, really. Sounds like you could do with a large cup of something, either way?

I'll be honest I'm reaching too often for a large cup of something be alcoholic or chocolate . ok your point is taken though and you're very likely to be right. Hmmmm, ok this needs a lot more thought

The whiteboard once again needs to be written up so she can see what's coming at the very least.

I said to my dh this morning 'I had hoped he'd have got used to the holidays by now and calmed down' - I feel your pain!
My ds1 is 6 with as. On monday we did his choice - favourite park and so on - lots of tantrums and wanting to go home despite his loving the place.
I do feel sorry for my ds1 though, he's spent all bloody half term trying to get used to school again and then this happens!
I think you have to keep doing stuff for the sake of the other children - my other 2 had a lovely time on monday despite their older brother's performance. I think my resolution to not get visibly cross has helped the other 2 not notice what he's doing so much.
I imagine you timetable everything like we do so I have no useful advice except your dd will not suffer if she's ignored sometimes for the sake of her siblings.

I could have posted this thread. I've got three children as well and my youngest (4 years) has suspected ASD. Just get so frustrated on family day outs and that the needs of my other 2 are not being met as we often have to leave before they are ready to. I can remember the days when I never used to drink during the week. You end up feeling run ragged but no one is happy.
Don't have any answers but just tons of sympathy.
Would you like to share a bottle of red?

Dd does not have ASD, but a pain disorder, but tbh the effect of entertainment overload is the same on her. Comes home shouting from school trips and sleepovers where I know she's had a lovely time.

Glad to know others out there are having a similar time although I also feel sorry at this. We've gone into evening routine now and she's finally coming down off the ceiling. And YES I'll share that bottle and bring another . I spent this morning with a friend who simply kept saying she couldn't see it. Mind you she was a little taken aback when dd1 told her she wanted a horse for Xmas. She said it with complete belief that Father Christmas will provide.

I try and focus on what life skills the NT siblings might be learning from this. Patience, realising people are different, compassion and my dd has developed real skill or has an inate talent for explaining things simply and showing great empathy.
We want life to be perfect for our children, but there are plenty of very successful people who have come through great adversity.Character building and all that.

I know it's not the complete story but we have to look for positives or we go down as well.
Would you like nuts or olives with the wine?

All so true...can I have a beer? (At least I'm not drinking alone)

What fab words nikos
'we want life to be perfect for our children, but there are plenty of people who are very successful who have come through great adversity'
I will hold those words in my head as long as I can.
Ah yes - drinking only on Friday and Saturday nights - those were the days