Hi - I'm sorry to barge in here, but I'm not sure I handled a situation very well at work today and I wondered if you ladies could give me some advice? :-)

[theSuburbanDryad]

Apologies for the long thread title!

I work in an opticians and today had a little girl come in with her frames all bent (obviously with her mum). She was clearly SN but I'm not sure what type IYSWIM (apologies if I'm not using the correct terms ) and she was non-verbal and very tactile.

As my colleague was straightening out her frames she was playing a type of pat-a-cake game with my fingers, and also touching fingertip to fingertip (in a kind of ET phone home way!) - I was sat on a chair at the desk, and she came and sat on my lap.

Her mum said, "Oh - you can't sit on the ladies' lap!" And I said, "She can if she wants - I don't mind!"

Anyway - her mum seemed quite embarrassed, and I think maybe I shouldn't have contradicted her? I thought maybe she is trying to discourage her dd from being so touchy feely with random people and I've set her back?

Should I have handled it differently? I thought that her mum having to haul her off my lap would be worse for her - but maybe I was wrong.

I don't think you did anything wrong - you have to be true to yourself and if you didn't mind, you didn't mind. If the mum wanted to insist then she could have done.

sounds like her Mum is trying to deal with a behaviour but we can't expect everyone tor elaise that and I am sure her Mum realised you weren't trying to be awkward, just not giving it a full hours thought like te rest of us.

Well, not knowing what this woman is like.... I have to say, if it had been me and my child, if I really didnt want her to sit on your lap then I'd have politely said "oh that's very sweet of you, but I'm trying to discourage DD from sitting on strangers laps" and a sweetie like you would have understood, no?

Yes hallowean, that's what I ean.

mean

I wouldn't have minded at all if the mum had said something. We have quite a few SN patients (we're one of the few opticians in town who will see them ) and although I don't have direct experience with SN kids I try to make their parents feel as comfortable as they can.

I think you handled it fine, was really nice of you

wouldnt worry

Oh that is soooo the kind of thing my DS might do

I would be relieved if someone genuinely didn't mind. Nice to be able to relax for once when out and about, not have to tackle behaviour that we assume other people won't like

How old was she?

jimjam - i'm not sure. About 7?

And I genuinely didn't mind! It was quite nice to have a cuddle (miss my ds when I'm at work! )

oh yes it's kind of hard at that age. DS1 would perhaps still sit on someone's lap now (aged 9) and whereas I wouldn't have minded when he was 3 or 4 I would feel it was inappropriate now.

If people say they don't mind when he's doing something hideous I'm generally happy unless it's a particular challenging behaviour that we were currently working on in which case I would overrule and explain why.

I don't think you did anything wrong, I prefer people to respond that they don;t mind than suck lemons about something!

I think you did fine. My son does this and I try to stop him out of consideration for the person about to get an unexpected hug! He doesn't do it to everyone - just those he trusts! I am working on teaching him more appropriate behaviour but it is so nice when others react kindly!

I don't think you did anything wrong.

I do wonder though whether she wasn't so much trying to stop a behavior but whether she wasn't sure about the etiquette re him sitting on your lap?

I know that physical contact between children and unknown adults is much more controvercial now than it was when we were children, and often the understood norm is that no adult should have any physical contact with children for fear of abuce claims etc. (madness IMO but...)

You didn't do anything wrong, you acted in the same way that 99.9% of the population would. You didn't mind, you were being nice, trying to make the mum feel better etc. so don't worry on that front.

However, just to add, my DD is overly tactile with strangers and I have to be very, very careful with this. She's 7 now and I've managed to curtail it a bit but need to keep it in check. The older she gets the more inappropriate it's going to get and the more dangerous. So I'm trying to teach her stranger danger and just to learn that there are boundaries.

So, although I expect most people to not mind when DD1 says 'Duddle' to a complete stranger and reaches up her arms to be picked up and kisses them etc, I would rather that they didn't encourage it but saying 'ohhhnh how sweet, isn't she lovely' and letting her kiss them etc. Because when she's 11 or 14 or 23 it won't be sweet and lovely.

You really didn't do anything wrong though, really, but just want you to understand what was possibly going through mum's head.

Just so I know for next time, as she is a fairly regular customer, what should I do instead? I wouldn't want either the mother or her dd to feel uncomfortable.

I fully understand and appreciate that me allowing the little girl to sit on my lap - and I hadn't even contemplated those issues before, so thank you for all your input.

I agree you were very nice. Sometimes it's just a relief when someone isn't weirded out my your kids' odd behaviour. I think saying 'it's OK by me' to the mum or 'Ah, you are a sweetie' to the kid, and smiling, then gently discouraging the child (maybe by showing her the display or saying, 'why don't you show mummy the glasses we've been trying on' or whatever is the optimum response

Agree with mabanana. Smiles sweetly to the mother, say 'don't worry' then gently redirect.

Thanks mabanana and jj.

If it was me I would be hissing at ds1 to get off. But only recently. 7 is a funny inbetween stage...