With a child with AS, is it best to go along with their wishes or try and get them to 'see reason'? (apologies for crass wording)

[spicemonster]

Sorry that is horribly badly worded but I'm wondering what the best way to deal with it is. My nephew (8) has had a fairly recent diagnosis so it's still really early days in coming to terms with it.

This is a very minor and totally trivial example. Me and my DS (18m) were round at his house for lunch today and I got a plastic spoon out for my DS to use. My nephew came and took it away and gave him another one because that spoon is his favourite apparently (he wasn't planning on using it to eat). That was fine - I don't want to upset him and my DS doesn't care at all but I'm wondering if that's the best way to react. Would you say 'don't be so silly' if he was an NT 8 year old? And is that the right thing to say to an AS one or is going along with what he feels comfortable with the right way to deal with it? If it helps, I suspect that if I had insisted my DS had used the first spoon, my nephew would have probably sulked a bit but then been okay.

If it's just a spoon, I'd leave it. My DD (severe learning disabilities) has a very hard time with reasoning. She doesn't understan things from other people's perspectives, for example. If she likes something, she doesn't realise that other people might not like it or might like it better than she does.

To someone who is NT, many of the things that she does may seem silly, but to her these things are important, iykwim.

Hmmm...if anyone sits in J's seat (7, autism) or uses his cutlery etc., he will refuse to ever touch them again without them being washed thoroughly or wiped with antiseptic wipes first - he has a real thing about other people's germs and is a bit OCDy. In this circumstance, as it didn't matter much to your son which spoon he used, I would have just gone with your nephew's preference BUT always make J share things like toys etc.

I suppose I take each situation separately on the grounds of whether it really really matters to J or if he's just being fussy, and also how much it will affect the other person if J gets his way.

It's about picking battles. The hygiene thing causes a meltdown for J and his eating is so poor anyway that I don't want any more reasons for him to refuse to eat. But if it's something like choosing which game to play, I will stick to my guns to let the other child get a choice too, even if it makes J go off on one.

That's interesting ta and makes total sense. We're all feeling our way a bit here

Yes i agree with givemesleep about picking battles. If it's important enough for him to get worked up about (but is a relatively minor thing and doesn't put anyone else out or affect anyones safety) then it probably isn't worth pressing the issue.

Yep that's my moto, pick your battles! To a child with ASD something minor and trivial to everyone else is something hugely important to them. My DS may for example get very upset if I present him with the wrong t-shirt to wear in the morning. Not because he's being a little what-name (although he's that too!), but because the t-shirt may be too brightly coloured, too scratchy, smell wrong etc etc. I just go and get him another t-shirt, problem solved. It may well be that your nephew has equally important reasons (to him) for wanting your DS to use a certain spoon.

You have to become an expert battle picker with an AS child or life would just be a constant battle ground. No doubt your sister/SIL has been doing it since your nephew was a toddler!