Parent support based at school

[devilsavacado]

Just wondering if anyone has had any dealings with a parent support worker based at their childs school?
My DS has selective mutism and a phonological disorder.
He has a statement and a 1:1 at school and we have regular school meetings.

At our last meeting it was suggested that a parent support worker get in touch with me to help me in dealing with his condition and hopefully suggest new ways to move forward.

We met at my house and I gave her a history of DS's condition.

I explained that after not talking at school all day he gets very frustrated and is a very sensitive little boy and prone to anger outbursts sometimes but is also a loving little boy.

Now maybe I am being over sensitive here but she went on to say hpw sometimes parents with children who have SN can be quite soft on their children when it comes to discipline.
She then later e mailed me a whole load of notes on how to discipline him and not let him get away with so much.

I know feel from going from someone who I thought was going to help me with addessing DS's problems in school to someone who is questioning my parenting at home and I know feel guilty and somehow to blame for my sons condition.

I have had lots of intervention in the past from different people and I just feel suffocated by yet another person telling me what I am doing wrong.

She rang 3 times one day and I did'nt answer the phone but she was insistent on us meeting.

I know I am lucky to have some support and feel bad for not appreciating it but I need someone to support me in helping my DS not a pile of guilt laid on me about what I am doing wrong at home.

Would be interesting to hear from others hpw you discipline your child and should I not consider his SN all the time when deaing with him.It is very hard not to and feel i do make allowances for him .

I would be upset by this too.

My son has Aspergers and I make allowances for him, his needs are different to his siblings and it would be wrong of me to treat him the same as them.

Yes I would send her packing too!

The idea of a parent supporter is a good concept. However support should be support, and it sounds like she hasn't fufilled that role for you! Perhaps she is learning on the job- I think parent coaches are taught to hand out printed advice! Don't take it personally! If you continue with her tell her (kindly) what is innappropriate and why!

As far as discipline is concerned well that is very individual and should (I feel as you) take the childs needs into account. My son needs quite strict limits (quickly reinforced by his adult) as he has very limited self control. However in the 'happy hour' afterschool he needs to unwind and cannot accept demands at all. I avoid appointments, homework and just let him relax. I expect more of him later when he has recovered his equilibrium - including making good (as far as he is able) any earlier messes from his inattention!
Outside help should be sensitive to the fact that parents know their children very well and do their absolute best. Where I feel I sometimes fall down is when my child makes developmental steps. I can be slow to modify my methods to catchup with him- especially returning to methods that did not work in the past!.

Thank you for your replies.

She says she understands selective mutism and has dealings with children with SM before.
I think maybe the school feel I could do with her support as I have been the one for the last 4 years pushing for help for DS and making the school understand DS's condition.
It has not been easy as there is still a lot of mis understanding surrounding SM.

When she came to visit me she seemed to take on the role of the supernanny and was telling me she runs courses for parents to help with disciplining children.
She recommended the walk away when he is having a tantrum and very rarely he hits out at me through utter frustration the getting down to his level and saying firmly "no".
Time out was also mentioned.
All the stuff realy you see supernanny do,but not sure how this would translate to my DS.

I feel ignoring him only tends to make him more frustrated and makes him think I am not listening to him.
For a child with with SM he needs to feel listened to.
I know he has to have boundaries.
She went on to say stick to rules and children will feel sercure,safe and loved.
Giving in all the time make children feel less secure,lost and unsure.
Then she recommended I watch the dog whisperer about what happens when there is no pack leader and that it is exactly the same for children.
She said I am confusing himand I need to stick to clear consistent messages and if the lines are blurry it leads to confusion at best.

So now I feel re reading that message she sent me a failure and obviously from just one meeting with me she feels so to.

Not sure if she is linking my lack of discipline at home with DS's SM very subtley {sp} or not.

Maybe I am over reacting to someone who has the best of intentions.
It just feels yet another person to add to the long list of professionals making me feel I have been getting it wrong all these years.

Where has this parent support worker come from, is she employed by the LEA for instance?.

She clearly has no understanding of the issues you are facing, I would ask for her service to be withdrawn.

x posts magso-she has actually been in her job for 30 years over various roles and is very forthright.

Like your DS my son has the "happy hour" after school and like you end to let him switch off,maybe watch some tv have his snack.
The parent support lady has asked to come round after school this week at 3.30 to meet DS and assess him.
I am not sure this would be a good time for the above reason but obviously I would imagine that is why she suggested that time to see how he is straight from school.

We do do our best but I just know certain things would not work with DS and a different approach is needed.
As you say parents know their children very well but sometimes that point is hard to get across to professionals who will tell you that their method is best.

Attila-she is mot employed by the LEA.

I believe it is a childrens foundation and she works in other schools in the area and runs courses on helping parents set rules for their children.

mot = not

Sorry devilsadvocado (I love your name!)-I underated the support worker! Forthright- knowledgable - that sounds jolly intimidating!!
I know next to nothing about SM - except that it is a condition and is NOT caused by parenting!! I am sure this experienced lady knows that too - and was not blaming you! However parents of children with sn of whatever kind often need specialised parenting skills ( because normal good parenting skills are not enough) and therapeutic skills to manage their childrens specific needs. We become highly specialised ( to our own dc) therapeutic super parents! Sometimes we have to change to meet our childrens changing needs. If this lady can help with polishing your skills, or supporting you otherwise that is brilliant.
You know your child best - and know certain things will not work with your child (she doesnt) so the trick might be learning to get along as equals (you with your expert knowledge of your child - her with her experience of what works for others) and not being intimidated. (PS I speak as the most easily intimidated person in the world!!)

sounds very frustrating - as surely you are after ways to work with the SM and language problems, not your own personal supernanny! as I understand SM, it's akin to an anxiety disorder so I wouldn't see advice about time out/consistency as being all that helpful.

Hmm - if her speciality is helping parents set limits - and you dont need that sort of help - politely refuse?

I understand her speciality to be working with schools as well on behalf of the parent to get the best for their children.
I guess I am a bit over sensitive as have in the past had numerous professionals pointing the finger and just thought I would like to concentrate on DS at school.
I suspose her time would be spent with this and not so much on home life.

SM is an anxiety order and DS alos has sensory issues and is a very sensitive little boy so as such I feel the time out sessins would not help.

It just seems to make him more frustrated and ignored.

I believe SM is genetic and maybe the part of the brain that has the fight or flight mechanism is affected.
Although the clinical psychologist we are currently seeing things otherwise.
He see's my DS's SM as half anxiety and half unwillingness.

Some unwillingness-he would have to have super willpower to have stayed quiet in school for over 3 years ,6 hours everyday.
He asked me at our last meeting "what caused DS's SM ?"
If I knew that I would be one up on all the experts on SM as the cause is not known although said to be part genetic.
This from a guy who has had 4 meetings with my DS and says he does'nt see any willingness on my DS's part to want to talk.

The process is long and needs lots of patience and understanding,4 sessions is nothing.
i have been doing "sliding in "sessions with DS for 3 years now in school twice a week and it is heart breaking,slow and needs to be handled correctly.
This guy professes to know about SM ,I am beginning to wonder??

Devilsadvocado - thanks for the clarification on SM. I hope there are others with experience that can help. It must be really heartbreaking for you especially if the experts are uncertain.
I can identify with the oversensitivity to fingerpointing - sadly many of us can -once bitten twice shy as they say. Ds also has an over responsive fright/flight response - what an apt descripton - and is extremely sensitive to being left out or ignored. (At school he has thinking time, at home he goes to the comfy chair to regain composure- always without a door between us - I think this is called time in)
It sounds like this lady needs to learn what works at home and translate this for school.
Hope others can help.

Thanks magso for your posts.

It helps to get things off your chest on mumsnet otherwise they just go round and round in your head and take over your life.

My DS also has a place he likes to sit and think but as your son he likes to be able to see me and likes to know where I am in the house most of the time for his own comfort.