How do others balance caring for elderly parents and (sn) family life?

[magso]

I feel torn apart at present. My parents are elderly - my father is very frail and my mother caring for him. They live some distance away (3-4 hours drive)so popping in regularly is not an option. Indeed it is only just possible to drive down and back in a school day with afterschoolcare for my son. My son (nearly 9) has learning disability and autism, and needs high levels of care and supervision. He loves his DGPs and can be excitable and exhausting and over physical (something he has poor understanding of- and its hard for my DPs to understand his limitations and that it is not me being 'too soft') when we visit at weekends almost to the point I am fearful of visiting en famille. Just keeping ds 'under control' takes most of my attention, even if dh is with us.
I know my mother needs more support and is struggling to cope emotionally with my DF condition and prognosis. I also worry for the future. I have brothers both as far away as I am, but I am the only daughter. DH is away alot.
How do others manage?

its very tough. My mother moved a mile away and is very needy and frail. But I've got dd who is severely physically disabled plus other kids.
Mum is constantly wanting me to go over there and its wearing me down. I'm shattered.
She wants to see dd but wont move her furniture so we can gets dd's wheelchair in so we have to carry dd and then shoves things in her face which makes dd cry. argh.
my sister and brother (both child freee) have buggered off to foreign countries.

I have my mum who's nearly 80 and nearly 10 yo with AS. Mum manages OK on her own atm but I have to take her to hospital/GP appointments, which can be difficult to accommodate. I have ME/CFS and lifting her wheelchair and supporting her while she walks really takes it out of me. Time's the biggest issue for me - won't see mum at all this week as I'm finishing off ds's statement application and sorting out other adminny stuff. He's having a tough time at school atm as well so a lot of extra work there.

There's only me and my sister to look after mum but she works full time. She does practical things like decorating and some housework/changing bed etc but I do all the organising of appointments, care and social worker. I'm constantly knackered but somebody's got to do it. It's a tough job, isn't it?

I don't...and have a great deal of admiration for those who do balance it. DH's and my parents are still relatively young (early 60s). Mine have health probs and have retired to Arizona (Mum has arthritis, had her second hip replacement yesterday! but is so much better in warm climate) Dad has congenital heart defect and stays in the States because healthcare for his particular (rare) problem is much better there. However, if they choose to live that far away, they kind of have to look after themselves! DH's parents currently have no health probs, but we both know that we might have to move back to UK eventually as they get older. Magso, any chance of persuading your DPs to move nearer to you? That was the only thing that eventually worked for my Grandad, but it took 5 years of persuading for him to do it! DH's Grandma is currently trying to sell her house to move closer to family and NOBODY WILL BUY IT because the housing crisis over there is so bad.

Thanks for replying. You all seem to manage so well!
I think its one of the problems of being an older parent - both parents and children need care at the same time! But ds will not grow into independence whilst the dps need more support.
You are right Brioche the only real answer is to live close by. In the meantime I suppose I need to get systems in place to manage at home without me or organise more support for dps! (Or learn to fly superquick!)

I should add that I can only give my mum this care because I learned to drive last year so I could get ds to the school I wanted, 15 mins away. None of the apointments and arrangements I've done for my mum would have been possible otherwise. I'm only a ten minute drive from her so can go urgently when needed, and can be there for social worker appointments, hospital visits etc. Although I've had concerns about her for a couple of years I couldn't have done anything about it without access to a car and living reasonably nearby, and in all honesty she'd have just sat in the chair till she died otherwise.