Ok so im not coping, DD (nearly 3) just said mummy i want talk to you.......

[bonkerz]

DS has been kicking off for the last 20 minutes, admittedly i may have started it because i decided i would bath them all this morning rather than tonight and DS cannot compute that he does not need a bath tonight and didnt understand getting in normal clothes not pyjamas and then to make matters worse i got him some new clothes yesterday which apparently itch him (ok so i did start this!)
DS is kicking the door in his room and screaming horrid stuff about me and DSD and DD.
My DSD has been around DS since she was 1 and knows now to just ignore but DD is becoming more and more aware of DS and his behaviour. DD who is 3 in Dec just came into my room (have to stay upstairs incase DS tries to open window etc) She sat on my bed and said
DD : mummy i need talk to you
me: ok baby whats wrong
DD : I really sad
me : why? whats making you sad?
DD : DS very angry and annoying me i really sad bout it!
me: DS is just angry with himself DD he will be fine in a minute
DD: i want to hugs him make him better

At this point i wasnt sure what to say except that it was a lovely thing to do and that im sure when DS had calmed down she could hug him.

How the hell can i explain DS and his problems to DD? She is so good with him and already stands in front of him saying calm down DS when he is sulking and brewing.
Really feel like today is going to be a very long day now.

mind you on a plus side i think we can safely say DD shows no signs of problems!

She sounds lovely bonkerz.

I think you did the right thing to tell her how kind she was. Maybe you could make a point of doing that every time she's kind to her brother.

I make Random Acts of Kindness certificates every time ds (9, AS) does something thoughtful - perhaps you could do the same for DD because it's a quick way of showing acknowledgement: www.senteacher.org/wk/certificates.php (sorry, crap at links).

A friend of mine was told by her AS teen's psychiatrist that it was important for the NT child to recognise who was the older - they need the hierarchy. Perhaps that's something to bear in mind the other way around too.

She does sound wonderful though

Ah, she sounds so sweet. Maybe wait til she's a little bit older to explain, but I think you did the right thing there

We have always tried to explain to my younger daughter that her sister just needs more help than most children and encouraging her to be kind.

It seems to work well at the moment. She's 5 now and her sister with GDD is 10.

Aspie thinking:

"We always have a bath in the evening.
Oh no, a bath in the morning.
Heck, a bath in the morning.
Double heck, a bath in the morning!!!!
Oh my, what can it mean? If the bath is now, what happens next? End of World Alert - there are no baths in the morning, that doesn't happen, the world is indeed ending. All I know about the world has now collapsed!

Aha, pyjamas and no scratchy new clothes? OK...can just about cope with bath in morning if there's pyjamas to look forward to. It'll be ok if there's pyjamas and bed next. That's expected...

Oh no, it's not pyjamas. It's scratchy clothing.

'Out of Spoons' Error! Error alert! World has gone completely mad! Unable to compute what will happen next! Clothes hurting - sensory overload/world-gone-mad overload!! Arrghhh!!! Sister talking to me - no computing room left for conversation - can't understand the words, don't know what to say, Error! Error! Oh no, Mum...eye contact, arrghhhh -that hurts too, make it stop, why won't you make it stop, it HURTS! "

How to explain that to a 3 yr old? I'd do it as a craft game. I'd make 'spectacles' out of two short cardboard tubes so she can see how little we can focus on, and get her to feel sandpaper/emery board to see how scratchy the clothes are, and cover her ears to explain how it is not to be able to 'hear' people properly when we're stressed, and explain that this is what the world is like for her brother and sometimes he gets scared and angry if things are different. But that he might find hugs to be scratchy too, etc, so you'll have to find out what helps him. And that it's not her fault and it's not up to her to make it better, but it's really kind of her to care.

It's like Pratchett's "Out of Cheese Error!" but with no spoons instead, tis true...

See butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

amber, thankyou. DS diagnosis is still quite new but what you have written explains DS actions well. he has been simmering all day and only at 5pm when i started the night routine did he start to calm down and be back to calm. Mind you it did mean he had 2 baths today but worth it to get him back on track!

bonkerz - your dd sounds wonderful and will surely grow up to be an extra special young lady with huge empathy . You are doing a fab job, you recognised why your son struggled and that's half the battle! It will become automatic that you recognise the potential for upset/meltdown before making a decision, and sometimes you will still make the decision that will cause meltdown because it's the right/necessary one .

Amber, as a mum of a ds with AS I cannot express how WONDERFUL it is to have your insight. My son is getting better and better at explaining how he feels etc, but we often 'forget' his condition, especially when he is relaxed and not stressed. You will provide absolutely invaluable insight for others who's children are younger/more recently diagnosed. God bless ya! .

Er, thanks.

Three things about us to remember:

We overreact, we can't forget Error Messages (as they just won't go until the error goes), and the only way to do an Emergency Error Override is either the 'let-us-wrap-ourselves-in-a-big-duvet' trick (the equal pressure all over our bodies can really help), or do the exact opposite of first aid: You need to make no voice contact, no eye contact, no touch, no scratchiness, in other words take all the incoming sensations away until we can reload, and get us back into a routine that's absolutely what we expect - hobby, favourite repeated film, music, whatever it is that works.

Even as an adult who can manage to be pretty normal a lot of the time, I can get to the same point as any AS child gets - totally overloaded, need desperately to lock myself away until the world stops being painful and unpredictable. I'm just way better than they are at avoiding it happening, and hiding it if it does happen, because I've had years more to learn how to.

Thanks Amber that is really useful. We have noticed that when we change plans/routine (which we do ALOT because that's somehow the way we live) our son needs some processing time before he can accept it. He used to go ballistic when much younger, but now might argue for a bit or get tearful etc, but we have instinctively explained the situation to him and then left him to process the information and he copes very well now.

I have tried the duvet trick, but might do just for fun to see if he enjoys it!

well DS has taken to putting a heavy fleece blanket over his head!! I noticed this last week when he was struggling because we had 2 children here i was looking after and he covered himself with this blanket and played on his pc, he has now taken that blanket up to his room where i have fashioned a soft corner under his high sleeper bed and this morning after a small minor tantrum i found him curled in a ball covered in this fleece!!!!!!!

Bless...! But it proves the point. He's found what works for him. Won't work for everyone, and particular materials may be too scratchy, so it'll take some time, but the pressure is hugely calming. You can get weight vests that do the same sort of thing. Or get Temple Grandin's book, Thinking in Pictures, and read how she invented herself a "squeeze machine" to hug her in a way she could cope with because real hugs were too much for her to handle. I know the feeling...