"The disabled girl can climb" comment. Would you bother flagging this?

[Thomcat]

One of DD1's school mates (who knows her well, they are in same class and have been for just over 3 yrs now) came up to me in the playground and said "Your little disabled girl can climb". I said "X, her name is Charlotte, don't refer to her as disabled please, use her name".

I was thinking I might put a little note in her daily link book that flagged it, in a non-naming way to her teacher to say something along the lines of if they hear her being referred to as the disabled girl or similar that children should be gently reminded to use her name and not refer to her in that way.

Or is it best left?

Was I unfair to ask a 6 yr old, who will be 7 to not refer to her a 'the disabled child' and to use her name.

I get that mummy must have just used the word to explain why DD1 is a bit different and finds things a bit harder etc. But I don't want a label to suddenly stick to her.

Riven, I think that's very different. I assume the child who spoke to Charlotte's mum had seen Charlotte struggle with things because of her disability and was really excited and thrilled to see that she could now climb, and wanted to share her excitement and pride at her classmate overcoming difficulties with Charlotte's mum. I doubt it was to denigrate her at all in any way. Sure, maybe it was clumsily put and surprised Thomcat. It would have sounded nicer if she'd said, 'I know Charlotte is disabled, but she can really climb!' and yes, mention it to the teacher, but to me she sounds like an excited kid who is only six, not somebody malicious. But hey, I wasn't there, so I could be wrong.
If someone came up to me and said, 'Your autistic little boy is really good at making friends!' it would have a completely different meaning to 'Your autistic little boy has fallen over' - the first sentence is positive, and the reference to autism is relevant and in the second it isn't. Like Thomcat I might be a bit shocked by it. Especialy as my little boy's disability is pretty invisible so it's not so likely to happen that the kids will think of him as disabled - just a bit of a nutter .

I wholeheartedly agree actually, I think the little boy who said 'your little disabled girl can climb' was actually being impressed by the fact that she was climbing. I don't doubt it for a second. However I still feel that - going forward - people should be amazed by the things "Charlotte' can do not amazed by the things "the disabled girl' can do. She's a person, she's Charlotte before being defined by her disability. It may be a small point to many but it's an important one to me. Like saying "the Down's girl'. She's Charlotte, she also just happens to have Down's syndrome and therefore be disabled. It's not how someone should be referred to when the person referring to them knows their name.

Anyway, he's only little and I know he wasn't being mean or anything, but it's just something for the teachers and me to be aware of. Don't want that catching on or being an acceptable way of talking about her.

I did flag it this morning with her 1-2-1 teacher and by the time I had got the other 2 girls back in the car the class teacher ran out to have a kind word too. So job done.

Oh and as an aside, this isn't the first time.
Another boy in Charlotte's class came up to me at her party last year and said 'We got Charlotte a doll that makes a funny noise like this 'blaaaahhhhhhh', like a disabled person like Charlotte'. I was a bit taken aback at the noise reference as Charlotte has limited speech but can talk so thought it was a bit odd but let it go and thought no more of it until yesterday.

I am sure that the little boy was impressed and he was being kind in telling you, however it needs to be pointed out that you don't define someone by their disability-you give them their name.

I do agree you have to keep and eye on things Thomcat and it's a good thing to do. I'm hypervigilant that my son is not excluded, made different or marginalised in the classroom. I think it's something we all have to keep on top of. Tiring, isn't it?

TC, do you think that the school might be making quite a big deal out of the fact that Charlotte has SN?
AFAIK the children in my dd2's class aren't really all that aware of it (I guess they might be a bit now, but then my dd2 is older than Lottie and is now in year 3). Certainly in year 1 or 2 it didn't really 'register' with them even though dd2 has very limited speech, so I am surprised that you've had comments along those lines from more than one child.

Anyway, I guess you can keep a bit of an eye on it and see how it goes.

GeekGirl - no I don't think it's the school. They seem surprised when i told them and assured me it wouldn't have come from them.

Do you think it might be because both you and Charlotte are popular, so the parents know you well, and the kids talk about Charlotte at home, and the parents are going a bit overboard to teach their kids about disability re Charlotte to avoid any meanness or discrimination and so are a bit OTT but mean well?

I'm 100% sure it was a well meaning adult. And yes the kids do by all accounts talk about Charlotte a lot. She is very different. She does things in her own way at school, in her own time. She has her own teacher. She has buddys at lunchtime. She is allowed to do things differently, has the same lesson but it's broken down in a different way for her and her alone. Sure she stands out. Children comment all the time on her. Today I was told by one boy "Everyone on my table thinks Charlotte is cute". I also get "Charlotte took my biscuit today but I didn't mind" or "Charlotte wants me to come to her house and play in her room with her toys" (no way Charlotte can or would say that!!!, or "Charlotte stroked my face today and gave me a kiss and a cuddle". I do get why a child would ask mum or dad why Charloote does things this way or that way etc and have no problem with mum or dad explaining that Charlotte is disabled, has specila / additional needs, learns things in a different way to most of her classmates and takes a bit longer to learn things. All that is fine. It's just important to me that Charlotte isn't given a label and that her peers see her just as Charlotte.

i think it's lovely he came and was interested enough in his classmate to tell you she could climb - it was obviously worthy of note in his mind! i've spent so long watching out for milestones that i tell everyone if dd2 can walk/ climb too, (and people do understand it is special because of her disability). reminding him to use her name is fine - but i'd have said 'i know! isn't it great?!'

Sounds like they absolutely do see her as he own person to me!
(I like the self-inviter!)

You're right TC.

It is entirely normal for children of this age to get their terms of reference wrong. For example ds3 (aged 3) did recently tell me about 'the boy with the brown face' and we talked about why he shouldn't use those terms. I've also had to have a talk with ds2 (6) about a boy with CP in year 1. Nothing that ds2 or ds3 have said was meant to cause upset (in fact ds2 was upset when he realised he could have caused offence), but we still needed to talk about appropriate ways of talking about people and describing people.