how do we keep ds1 safe- near the end of my tether tbh

[Jimjams]

DS1 has spent the last few days climbing on everything. I find him leaning against our dodgy windows particularly worrying, and spent most of Friday afternoon lifting him down (baby strapped onto me). Anyway last night found him trying to climb over the bannisters 3 stories up. I just don't know what to do, I cannot see anyway of making them safe.

The house is in no fit state to sell- needs a lot of cosmetic work (needs a lot of other work as well- but cosmetic to put on market), and I would imagine that any house would have some soort of danger lurking in it.

The whole thing has knocked me for 6. I was thinking back to when we moved in here just under 3 years ago- it was our dream house - which was why we took it on needing the amount of work it needs iyswim. We would never had bought it now (no off street parking for starters so even getting into the car is hell). But 3 years ago I would never have envisaged being in the position we are now- we really thought that by 6 ds1 would be catching up.

Also realised that for the first time ever I feel as if I am losing control over his behaviour. When younger he was very compliant, now he's much less so. Getting cross with him absolutely does not work, he thinks its hilarious and does it all the more, but the constant effort of having to give the "correct" response - which then doesn't alwqays work is wearing me down. I have asked to see a clinical psychologist, but I don't think she'll have any major answers as the people I've spoken to say we are doing the right things anyway.

Think I've been wallowing in it ever since I found him heading over the bannisters. (seemed to set off a cascade of thoughts). Also think my hormones are up the creek- felt very PMTish for the first time in almost a year yesterday. 6 week post baby blues?

Someone give me a kick up the arse please. (or a bright idea on how we can make the stairs safe, or some tips on winning the lottery so we can put in safe windows).

Jimjams, I don't think every programme 'makes' you move out ? plus a researcher would discuss options with you at a very early stage.
Don't suppose you could be sneaky and apply for some programmes without telling dh? Obviously you'd have to tell him at some stage, but if you could present him with a 'this is what they'll do for us' maybe he'd react differently?
Sorry, don't want to bang on about this, just something that really, really helped us when we were stuck. Couldn't have sorted it out without them, really, so worth the embarrassment.

shutters??? What a FANTASTIC idea- why the hell didn't I think of that! (poor old ds2 as its his room- we moved ds1 to a double glazed room- ds2 will be stumbling around in the dark ) We have something like 11 windows at the front and the kitchen ones, so the shutters will be much cheaper than replacing (we don't have a mansion- just lots of long narrow windows- kind of small person width).

We restrict him to his room at night, but it would be hard to do during the day- I think maybe locks on the outside of every door would be useful though. His room is relatively safe although he leaps over his high bed in a kind of circuit now.

I'll have to pay for the shutters as dh would go absolutely ballistic if I got a TV crew in (seriously edam - it's the only thing I think I could never talk him round about- TV and/or newspapers/magazines etc- although he didn't mind us being on radio a few time- radio makeover??)

Know what you mean about holidays Davros- the only house I can go to and completely relax is my friend who has an autistic climbing/escaping dd (and far more agile than ds1- our house isn;t safe for her)

When he starts climbing fences we'll have to move- our garden fence has a 30 foot drop behind it.

Any "handyman" should be able to bodge up shutters from MDF. Ours is on hinges with those keys I have on all the doors, those long ridgy ones. I also think these locks on the doors are worth having as you then have the option to lock or not, DH locks himself IN his study when he's working as he gets stalked by both DS and DD. The locks can go all the way through the door or be on one side only iyswim. The "shutter" does make his room dark but that's OK as he's out at school a lot of the time or doing other things and then doesn't have to be in his bedroom when he's home. I think it also helps with his sleeping as he can't always tell when its light although some light does creep through. If you have them made with a split down the middle (ours is jumbo opening on one side so doesn't get opened often) you can have it open during the daytime and shut it when he's likely to be alone and/or you want it as dark as possible. We also had an MDF door put over an alcove in his room as a clothes cupboard and that has the same key.... I should learn to make them myself!

EDAM.... you've just answered one of my long lived questions.....do they really use 'REAL' families for programmes like Life Laundry!!!!?

I envy you greatly- i am surrounded by chaos and clutter- and a big fantasy of mine would be to 'go out and come back to organised order...'

That said...like JJ said MY husband would HATE the public display of both himself and the mess.....so maybe i could send him away for a week and then pretend i was a single mum!!!

Sorry to HIJACK this !!!

JJ- thinking about how YOU feel.... the 6 weeks blues as you say....have you ever had PND??? can start as your body gets back to 'normal' ...periods etc
Take care of yourself- mrs F

I was the one who didn't want TV cameras, dh v. keen. Yes, was embarrassing but soooo worth it. Btw we had to do some work too! Only got a few hours off while they finished the makeover - we had to clear all the clutter (outside so we couldn't see what was happening inside), do a car boot sale and crush all the rubbish left over.
Sorry for hijack JJ. And sorry the idea isn't a good one.
Shutters sound fab, though.

PS you can buy shutters with louvres so they don't block out all the light - I bet a handyman could make that version too.

no, never had pnd mrsf. I'm not depressed- i know that- just dealing with a lot iyswim. I recognise that as well otherwise I would go insane. I employed my cleaner for an extra couple of days last week (as a mother's help- she's great) and she said until meeting me she never realised how much work severe autism was (and she has 2 kids, 3 grandchildren, very disabled niece etc so she's seen a lot). It'll be easier from tomorrow as I won't have to watch ds1 all day as he's back at school. He's screaming his head off in the garden now for some reason (dh is with him - I'm feeding baby).

We had louvred (American) shutters but they don't come lockable, although you could add a lock. Also afford great stimming potential! and easier to poke things through. JJ, would you like me to arrange for a visit from your bil to cheer you up Seriously, sorry to hear its been a hard half term, hope things get better once school starts and baby gets into his stride!

i was thinking of the louvres for the kitchen-I think he'll pass out at delight with all the angles. solid in the front rooms though. (ds2's bedroom and sitting room)

eventually found something to distract him- jeremy clarkson repeats on uk people! he sat transfixed.

he gave me an easy time tonight and went to bed without screaming- he was looking pleased at the idea of school tomorrow.

Baby is no problem- he'sa a sweetie- just my hormones!

perhaps I could arrange a screen across the bays to shut bil in behind

Jimjams- has your son had an Occupational Therapy assessment? This sounds like the kind of thing they might be able to help with- in this context you want the ones who deal with home adaptations. Social services should be able to point you in the right direction (if they answer the bloody phone...). Or do his school have any ideas? How do they cope with it there? (Obviously their windows will be safer and their stairs more suitable, probably, but I'll bet they have strategies to discourage this or will need to get some in place very soon!)
Davros's shutters sound like a wonderful idea.

Ii bet OT have no experience of home adaptations for individuals with learning disability. A few years ago one of the people in our Soc Svs dept wanted to do a survey/report on this and he could find no data (apart from the long letter I sent him!). Always worth a try though.

My friend's dd has an OT SW but I'm not sure they actually did anything! Certainly her home has no adapptations (her dd is autistic but also has physical difficulties). I know it sounds daft but I just don't have the energy to deal with SS at the moment- I find chasing them more stressful that just kind oif cruising by- so I always try and do all my chasing when I'm feeling full of energy.

The school is single level and all the doors have high handles on that he can't reach. They are having problems at school getting him to do the things he doesn't want to do (for example he disappears off during PE to examine the nooks and crannies of the hall apparently and goes off to fiddle with door handles during circle time (apparently they are introducing a board of door handles for him to fiddle with to try and keep him in one spot ). They are referring us to the clinical psychologist (my request), but I think this is a tricky one to stop. He doesn't have the understanding to explain about drops etc, and although if I tell him to get down he will it doesn't stop him going back later and trying again.

Incidentally does anyone else's autistic child have absolutely no concept of size. He can ppick out "the big one" and "the small one", but gets really cross when something doesn't fit into somewhere as its too big (eg he'll try and ram a bottle that's clearly too big for the microwave into it) and also does insane things like trying to climb a toy ladder.

Hmm. I referred quite a few kids with learning disabilities to O.T. when I was working in SE London- mixed results admittedly but sometimes they were great. Certainly didn't question the referral, anyway. Very ed at that, Davros. Would high door handles be an option for your house, jj?

high handles would be - but high locks would probably be better- he soon learns to get a chair, and also I'd worry about ds2 being shut in with high handles.

Total aside- but I can't believe how brilliantly you're doing with 3, jj. You are such a star.

I agree sm - you are an inspiration jj x

Thank you - you are both very sweet but you wouldn't have said that if you had seen me last night ranting at dh and reaching for the wine bottle (good job ds3 is being mixed fed I think). BH I'm very aware that I didn't reply to your last email- sorry I am useless at the moment though- I haven't replied to Davros either

Jimjams - Please don't apologise, it's fine. You have just had a baby for christ sake!!!!
I still think you are an inspiration. Wish I was half as good with dd as you are with ds1.

Jimjams - sorry to hear half term has been difficult, but at least it's over now. I had dips with all of ours at about 6-8 weeks, and you've certainly had a lot to contend with this last week especially.
Musing on the electric fence deterrent thing, I was wondering if you can paint window frames, banisters etc with something that would put a really nasty taste on his hands (if he licks them much?), or makes them uncomfortably sticky?? Our ds1 used to go bananas with certain textures like playdo, couldn't BEAR having sticky fingers.
Just been reading one of those getting-a-dream-life-in-a-fallen-down-house-in-a-hot-country books, and they painted young trees and vegetables with diluted (human)urine to keep the sheep off them.. Maybe not

Jimjams, to answer your earlier question about judging sizes, my ds had a toy farm with a barn. The only attention he EVER paid to it was to spend hours trying to fit the tractor through the hayloft hatch, even though it was twice the size. He was also determined to fit into dd's doll buggy but there was no way that he could. Didn't stop him trying though!

Sorry I don't have any useful safety suggestions. It took us ages to find this house to rent because we had to make sure it was as safe as possible for ds. You'd be surprised how many staircases are like yours! It's a shame because we've ended up with this pokey place as time was running out, but hey! the staircase is totally boxed in! Plus the front door opens on to a green, not the main road like some places we looked at so we at least stand a chance if he dashes out. What fun it all is!

Just a thought, presumably you still have a health visitor as you have little ones, is she the helpful sort? I know mine has taken the trouble to find out about things for me before now, and put me in touch with people who could help me.

What about the council? Don't they have some system of grants available to homeowners and private landlords who can't afford necessary improvements to their properties? You might qualify for some help with the windows as it is a safety issue.