How do you deal with minor conflicts of interest re AS dc and siblings?

[luckylady74]

I know this isn't a major problem, but it's part of everyday life and I keep wondering how to handle it.
To give an example -Ds1(AS) has 4 tshirts that he will wear and he will only wear the red ones if Ds2 wears a red tshirt too. Ds2 complained this morning that he wanted to wear a different tshirt. I just said he was already dressed and moved on, but what I really meant was 'no because Ds1 will scream and slap himself for the next 20 minutes if you do that'.
Another example is that Ds1 can't stand to finish his food first so I often end up giving him seconds - he's a bean pole so it's not a health issue, but his siblings notice and then ask for more and I say no because the cycle will go on - I pathetically justify that to myself by thinking 'they're 3 they don't need more pudding' .
I feel torn between being fair (I insist on turn taking despite tantrums so I'm not completely wet) and realising that DS1 does really feel like the world's falling in if I insist he wears a different colour tshirt to his brother or his sister gets in the car in the 'wrong' order.
Sorry for rambling! I would love to hear how other people handle it.

Also meant to say that of course I often do things to accommodate his routines for an easy life for me too.
I do work on changing routines (we do RDI), but this small everyday stuff I just want to get through and get out of the house!

Hi, LL74.
I don't know if I can be much help, but wanted you to know that you are not alone.
I have similar problems with my dds. DD1 (7) is going through a dx for ASD. DD2 is 3.10.
DD1 has a thing about shoes getting dirty and yesterday she totally freaked because dd2 ran across the wet grass. She wanted me to bring her indoors and clean the shoes straight away. I felt torn, because dd2 was having a lovely time. DD1 started shouting at dd2 and it escalated until I told at dd2 to come inside .

We also had an incident where they where given free WALL-E masks after seeing the film at the local cinema. The masks were on a large poster and needed to be cut out.dd1 likes everything to stay 'as new' and started having a tantrum when dd2 said she was going to cut the mask out when we got home. In this case, I felt that it was just too unfair on dd2 and I let her cut out the mask. DH had to take dd1 out of the room, though and she was really upset about it.

Also,dd1 has a 'unique' way of watching DVDs. She only watches certain parts and uses the remote to skip large chunks of the film. DD2 gets upset, because naturally she wants to watch the whole thing. Usually, I let dd2 watch the whole film after pre-school, when dd1 isn't around. This isn't working ATM though, with the holidays, so I have had to occupy dd2 while dd1 watches the film.

I don't know how to handle these situations, TBH, and am just muddling through.
I think if you are working at changing routines,then you are doing what you can.
I imagine that it's a long process, but will be worth it.

How old is your ds? My dd has gradually become more flexible in some areas. Up until a year ago, I couldn't let dd2 wear a dress if dd1 wasn't wearing one but that doesn't bother her so much now.

Good luck, wish I had more advice for you

Thanks so much for replying.
Ds1 is 6 and he does get better about some things, but then something else will pop up!
It's good to know that someone else is muddling through like me.
I guess that life is harder for the sibligs of an as child as well as the parents, but such is life.
The best thing about mumsnet is knowing I'm not alone.

I know -without MN the last few weeks would have been so much harder (long story!)

I also empathise with new things popping up all the time.It can seem like dd just starts to cope with one thing and then she moves onto something else. Hopefully, our other dc will learn patience and sensitivity from being around their siblings - or selective deafness

Have a good weekend. Maybe we can compare notes again; it might help us to keep our sense of humour

Thanks for replying too riven, you have more conflicting needs with your dc than I do. I think it's like being a plate spinning act, but sometimes I let all the plates drop and go to the bottem of the garden to think fondly of when I smoked!

My plates are smashed to smithereens at the minute

The house is such a mess that dh has resorted to tidying up!

LL74, chocolate is my saviour, but could also really do with a ciggie. We can only do our best. My dds have argued non-stop this weekend, so are both in the bad books.
Hope you both have a good day x