Worries about coping with my growing family

[Eulalia]

Don?t know if its because I am feeling under par at the moment but am filled with worries about having this baby in the summer (am 15 weeks pg). Part of me feels like I have taken on too much and am not going to cope and fail everyone ? dh, ds and dd? like I am going to have to spilt myself in so many ways. None of this is helped by the negative reaction of my mother when I told her about the baby and I obviously feel I can?t voice my concerns to her. Same with dh in a way as I do feel it was mostly my decision. I know he is really happy to have another but would have been content with 2. All this is complicated by the lack of support from him as he works full time and spends all weekend renovating our house. I know I wanted another child and I didn?t want to feel resentful about the house (which I do anyway as its bloody hard living in a ?building site?) and stop this from having another?. But maybe I am just being impractical. Not to mention of course the extra work that ds is (although he is getting easier, is at school now etc) and dd at the moment who is a nightmare, seems to be as hyper as ds and is practically out of control ( eg running around in shops and escaping from her car seat to name just a few things). I feel as if I?ve just let her happen instead of bringing her up properly partly because she was born when we had concerns about ds and then went through all the lengthy diagnosis process, and ds was hard work then too. And more recently I can?t discipline her because ds tries to do it too and be the ?adult?. I am sure I have indulged her because I feel that ds takes my attention away from her and also because I am always too tired to be firm as I am doing all the childcare.

I know I need a break as I?ve not had one since before I had ds in July 99! I just worry about who?d look after the kids properly. Sorry this just sounds like negative stuff so I need some reassurances I guess that child no 3 isn?t going to suddenly take a huge chunk of my time away or perhaps the opposite, and that I need to be realistic and try and get some extra support. I do get all the DLA, CA etc but it just seems to get spent on wood or materials for the house! I feel that I can?t ask anyone to come here to look after the kids as the place is so disorganised ? or are there places where I can leave the kids while I have a break? I know I should find out more about this and apologies for being lazy just asking here. Better stop now as this is too long.

Thanks a lot.

Having just had my third- I would say the most realistic thing is to get in as much help as you possibly can. next week is half term and I have drafted in everyone and anyone as I cannot keep ds1 safe and llok after a newborn without going insane in the process.

I'd also contact SS- they take a long time to set anything up but we have been granted direct payments and they will hopefully be in place by the easter break. SS also often offer playschemes ( or at least know what is available)- try your local children with disabilities team first of all to see if you can access anything.

Eulalia, I am so sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed. I can tell by the way your post reads that you're feeling really overcome with everything. I absolutely empathise with you and I'm not pregnant with a third (yet!). I had ds when we were going through the diagnosis thing with dd and I'm constantly feeling that I'm not parenting him properly as so busy trying to keep dd's head above water. Dh is working constantly and our house is like a bomb-site (DH isn't donig it up, we just rant about how much work needs doing every weekend!).
Anyway, just saying, you're not alone! You definitely sound like you need extra support. Could you get away for the weekend? If things aren't great with your mum, what is your relationship like with dh's parents? I know what you mean about feeling as if nobody else can cope with the kids. I really worry about leaving dd with anybody but my mum or her therapist. We also have Link, a respite care organisation run by Barnados. I'm not ready dd staying away from home yet but dd's therapist does the odd Sunday for me (or comes out with us so we can go into town if dh is busy rather than being housebound) and she's had dd overnight here at her house.
ps A friend of mine's sister-in-law whose son has severe autism told me early on that the only way she has saved her sanity is weekends away with her dh.
pps Do you watch Desperate Housewives?!!!!!!

Agree with Jimjams. I had DD nearly 2 years ago when DS was 8 and was used to having the place and us to himself! The best thing is to get as much help as possible, maybe with the baby if you can't get other help. We had a live-in aur-pair for 6 months who was able to help with both children. We paid her £85 per week and of course she had to eat but it was money well spent. Whatever is available, take it! I have to say that bottle feeding was a god send for me but it was not my decision but due to medication I take. Do consider it though. The fact that you're feeling overwhelmed by the prospect means that you're doing the right thing to think ahead.

ps A friend of mine (who has a child with special needs) hired a student to come and help her out for a few hours over tea and bedtime when she had her second baby. Would you be able to use direct payments to pay for this?!
Will keep thinking...

Thanks a lot. not really got time just now but just to say JakB that dh's parents are both dead and his only relatives are 3 grown up kids who live 500 miles away, one of whom barely talks to us and the other two are a constant source of irritation to be honest. Looking back I am thinking it's been quite a hard few months as the eldest (29) had her 2nd breakdown last summer unfortunately she'd already boarded the bus to come here and ended up staying in the local psychiatric hospital for a month. dh had to visit her after work and he'd just started a new job. Then I did my fair share too visiting - I am totally sick of his useless kids but that is another story!!! dh only had one day off work in the past 8 months till Christmas and then was ill and so was I along with morning sickness.

No wonder I am feeling a bit down! Along with the constant house renovations too of course!

Thanks for the suggestions, I have to go as ds is piling me with sticklebricks and I've still to empty the dishwasher, washing machine and make the kids tea....

really smpathise only got one but know how horrendous it is living on a building site with a newborn,

i had a lot to cope with when ds was born and i did a lot of planning pre him being born which i think helped

don't feel bad about having a rant there is too much pressure to put on the cheeful front imo

on another thread a while ago someone said they got free childcare or help (as long as they were around) from a student nanny, they telephoned up local colleges that do childcare courses and offered to have a student on a placement

sorry for the disparate suggestions a bit sleep deprived

We had a Homestart volunteer last year for 2 hours a week but she had to leave as ds started school and their rule is 2 kids under school age but obviously that will change. Also had a friends daughter who helped before that. One of hte main probs is our rural location.

Eulalia . I'm so sorry. Hope I didn't put my foot in it asking that. Blimey, you have got SO MUCH TO COPE WITH. I'm not surprised you are finding it tough. Bloody Hell.
On a brighter note, pinksofa has reminded me of something, yes, you can get students to help out. I had a really sweet girl who did 30 hours a week a while ago. That can work really well.
What else do you need? Can we help with anything else? I have a double buggy if you need one?
Rant away, this is definitely the place...

Not at all JakB - in fact it made me think back to how things have been hard these past few months. Things are better though with dh's kids and of course the fact they are 500 miles away helps dd will be 3.4 when the baby comes so probably too old for a buggy but thanks anyway!

dh is getting help at the weekends - 2 of his students who we are paying. Of course I have to cook a big lunch for them Sat and Sun so it inevitably impacts on me but anything to try and get this house hurried on a bit. Of course if I'd known how much work there was to be done here and that ds was going to be autistic we'd never have moved here... but hindsight is a great thing!

Had a bit of a row with dh last night. It is hopeless even bothering to say I am fed up/tired as it just seems to get him angry. He has definate autistic traits and anything emotional he can't cope with. I don't really have anyone to have a moan at as feel I don't have time to talk to friends, even so there is always a child or two around to distract so coming here does help.

Will make more of an effort to look out help - I have a huge handbook thing given to me by someone from the Carer's association so will dig that out for a start.

Thanks again.

Anyone else on half term hols just now? First couple of days been OK but yesterday ds got up too early and was hyper the whole day, bouncing off the walls. It was snowing/sleeting on and off all day so couldn't go out. Decided to make a cake as ds loves using the mixer. Trying to keep dd off the scales to measure things properly. Gave ds eggs to put in the bowl, spilled them, I got annoyed and he drops the small plastic bowl into the mixer. Crunch! Had to pick out bits of plastic from the mixture.... anyway got the cake made. later was icing it in the kitchen. ds and dd in the L/R (on their own of course) and dd comes running through with a cut under her eye. ds had broken his toy trumpet (huge metal thing inside) and had hit her in the face with it. I felt awful as I was icing a stupid cake but I can't watch them all the time!!! dh in a mood as his help didn't turn up and he didn't get much done this weekend.

Anyway sorry for the moan dd is OK its just a small cut. ds had a lie in this morning so hoping for a better day.

do you have crossroads in scotland?

i have got SS coming round on thursday as i cant cope with another 6 weeks on my own either, you are not alone. i am just praying dd gets a playscheme place

I wish I had some advice. I know what you mean though about having a young child when going through the diagnosis system with an older child. I'm sure ds1 got most of my attention when ds2 was tiny.

I'm glad to hear it worked out with dh's daughter in the end. I remember the thread from last year.

Any Mn's live near you and can help? I would if I could, and god knows, my house is mess, my kids are wild and my dh thinks that life is at an end because we never have sex! God, some people are so selfish we have four kids, how much more wild rampant stuff does he want. Oh, littlest one is 6 so I suppose he has a point

ROFL jolly mum! I feel a bit guilty as I think I have things quite under control for half term. Let's see what I have to say after this week AND a sodding inset day next Monday!

Sex what is that? Well I suppose we must have done it as I am pregnant dh hasn't been well recently and its just been a case of going to work and falling asleep on the sofa when he comes in....

Back to school tomorrow but things have been much better. Went to a soft play area today with a friend and we were actually able to have lunch. ds sat very well and cleared his plate. Just a mini tantrum when we had to leave and I had to literally drag him away.

Sorry Fio - yes we have Crossroads - quite expensive unless you go through social services. I may go down that route. Started it last year when ds kept running away in the supermarket and a woman came and asked me questions for an hour and then said she'd come round the following week to ask more questions. I just couldn't be bothered with the long process and to probably not get anything. ds got better (in that respect anyway) as it turned out.