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SN children

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Original poster

How adaptable should you expect your children to be for guests?

69 replies

Jimjams · 08/02/2005 12:08

Just curious really and pondering.

We have had visitors this weekend (family) who came with their 6 month old baby. Now coming to stay with us must have been a nightmare for them- I can see that. DS1 is loud (not much we can do about that), doesn't understand about staying out of their room (after all its the study - he's usually allowed in there), doesn't understand not to touch the laptop computer that's been brought down. He's obsessive- screamed until their door was opened etc. Because we've now had number 3 it meant there were times when we weren't able to shield them from ds1 so to speak.

However the husband got really quite stroppy at times- I think he thought that when I asked them to do something around ds1 (like wait until a little later before settling their baby to bed so that dh was around to stop ds1 charging into the room - as he had been the day before) that I was being difficult or pandering to him. He didn't seem to understand that pretty much everything we do has ds1 taken into consideration, for example getting into the car is done in a way that will suit him, trips out, shopping, bath times. not pandering to him- just that we have to to ensure he doesn't end up dead under a car or something. Lots of other examples - and I think the weekend was stressful for all concerned (including poor old ds1).

So how much should we do in our house to stop him affecting them? (I don't take him to their house as I know he can't behave in a manner they would find acceptable). For example the husband was trying to use his laptop on the floor when ds1 was around. Ds1 kept trying to touch it and sniff it and the husband "wanted him to stop". To do that we would have to drag him off and try and attract his attention elsewhere- should we be expected to do that- or should we be saying use your computer later, or put it elsewhere?

I find this sort of thing hard to be honest. The husband is clueless- completely clueless- so how polite should we be expected to be, and how adaptable should ds1 be expected to be?

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 08/02/2005 16:18

I haven't read all the replies but I think you should expect DS1 to be as adaptable as he is capable of being. ie "not very". That's all I expect from my DSs although, obviously, their level of adaptability is higher than a child with autism.

I can't believe that these guests of yours were family and (a) don't get it and (b) don't help! It's not that difficult surely??

Gwenick · 08/02/2005 16:19

haven't read the replies - but my first reaction is that you were incredibly patient! I have NT children but 14months and 4yrs and if people come to stay (or we go and stay somewhere) although I 'do my best' to let my children adapt if my dad is silly enough (which he is) to leave his V expensive camera equipment on the floor then it's HIS fault that it gets played with.

Putting a laptop on the floor to use it - I guess the 6 month old is their first. Anyone with ANY sense should surely realise that laptops and children (with SN or not!) simply don't mix FULL STOP!

As for adaptablility, from what I've read of your other posts DS1 isn't someone you can simply 'expect' to adapt and as such, as long as the visitors are told this, they should accept it or tough. I'm sure that you'll have told them before hand about his 'general' type of behaviour and if they fail to understand that then I would find it quite rude.

When people come and stay in my house 'yes' I do try and be adaptable, but certain things simply CAN'T be changed.

Socci · 08/02/2005 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Dingle · 08/02/2005 16:32

Sorry, haven't read all of this, but I had to laugh about the dogpoo brother!!

Surely anyone that comes to stay in YOUR home, is your guest, and only that. Shouldn't they accept you for who you are and fit into your requirements-not the other way round! And as for trying to get a laptop out ....that is absolute madness in many households with young children!!

Why should you be put out, it is your home and if guests can't adapt to the way you live then I have only one answer I'm afraid.

macwoozy · 08/02/2005 16:49

(Formely known as Swilt!) I find it awful that you had to entertain a memeber of your family that has no consideration for you or your ds, and the difficulties you both face day to day. You should defenitly not feel guilty about anything, you did alot better than I could, I wouldn't have lasted the weekend.

JakB · 08/02/2005 16:51

OMG Jimjams! Laptops on the floor!!!! Hahahahahahahahahahah. Well if that had happened in our house, it would have secured a place in laptop hospital by now!! I think you should expect people to at least have a rudimentary understanding of autism. I mean, you can't expect people to really get it unless they've lived with somebody with autism or worked closely with them. But, bloody hell, they are family!!!! They could have tried to empathise. I think you're a complete saint. I have stopped having people to stay as just can't be bothered explaining that I really don't mind if dd bangs the television because it's knackered anyway and really, if that's all we have to worry about and really the fact that dd resembles a biscuit afteer her snack is really no problem, either. I keep get invited by trendy London mates (no kids) to view their latest immaculate trendy flat with BOTH KIDS!!!!! Are they having a laugh? (they don't want to come down here, 'too much work on')...

Issymum · 08/02/2005 17:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

tallulah · 08/02/2005 18:34

Jimjams, everyone else has said it all. This man sounds like my brother, who just doesn't want anything to do with my kids. Anyone trying to use a laptop on the floor of a house with children in- even NT kids- is asking for trouble & deserves everything they get If I were you I would refuse to have this man in my house again. Ever

Original poster

Jimjams · 08/02/2005 18:35

thank you all- dh's family relations have become strained at times- which is a real shame as they used to be close. i always feel so drained after these vistis and feel that I haven't done anything to improve them. At least I know my reaction is normal.

SIL's dh and MIL hate each other by the way!

OP posts:

RTKangaMummy · 08/02/2005 18:44

I think you did really well in not evicting him from your house

I certainly think he should have taken his precious laptop and gone and sat ouside in his car if it was so important

I also think that it is your home and DS1 home he should be allowed to behave and do things the way that he likes to do them and whatever feels right for him.

The only way that I think visitors should be is to "go with the flow"

Davros · 08/02/2005 19:25

Can't read all of this thread, too long! All I can say is that what I would say to them would involve sex and travel (f*ck off!). We don't have anyone to stay in our home but we actually don't want anyone to stay so it suits us fine. Mind you, my sister and her DD are going to stay overnight for DD's birthday but they totally know how our lives are run and that it is not going to be totally normal! Personally I wouldn't have anyone to stay and, if I had to, would find it very hard to be polite when they are showing so little sensitivity. Sod 'em!

Merlot · 08/02/2005 21:12

My God Jimjams - couldnt believe your initial post - you are an absolute saint woman, you have just had a baby, you have absolutely loads on your plate and these people descend on you and make your life more stressful. Excuse me while I take a moment on your behalf...

Aaaaagh!!!

It does sound like its their first child, but if they are so precious about their own child's routine etc.. I cannot think how they even contemplated landing themselves on you with a teeny weeny babe....sorry, to go on, but am outraged on your behalf....

Please don't beat yourself up about this, ds1 is not to blame (as you already know). Yes get him to read George and Sam and...

Davros ROFL at your comments...

Got to say, Jimjams, that as angry as I am with your insensitive guests, this thread is a great example of supportive SN mumsnet at its best

Merlot · 08/02/2005 21:14

hhem.. meant get THEM to read George and Sam

eidsvold · 08/02/2005 21:42

I would expect the guests to be adaptable to my children and their needs first - as adults surely they are the more adaptable.

The husband sounds like a right plonker....

dd1 would have been at that laptop in a flash... she loves climbing up on the chair to our desk and types away like she sees us doing....

Jimjams - really feel for you... can't you make up a very infectious disease to keep the pil away??? Or just tell them now is not a good time for them to come and visit - letting you have some family time and some breathing space after that visit.

I guess the sad thing is that man ( BIL) will never get it - after comments like 'a good slap'?!?!?

very on your behalf and [shocked] that people would be like that...

mummyp2 · 09/02/2005 07:27

I have severely autistic child too, and like you , we do things in particular, sometimes odd ways to suit him. Anybody coming into my home either follows our rules or can bog off! If visitors can't respect my child and his needs - then i don't want them here.

Original poster

Jimjams · 09/02/2005 09:15

so what will I be posting after the pil this weekend?

I have no idea how i get landed on tbh When dh went (alone) to visit sil he had to stay in a b and b as their baby was being christened at 10.30 the next morning and it would have been "too stressful" for him to stay with her (mil's words). (the after christening do was in a hotel btw not their home).

My friend says I must just give the image of coping- but I don't- I get so worked up I stamp around the house being horrible (I HATE getting like that as well). I can't tell them to bog off though as not my family (we live near mine- miles away from dh's so i can't say too much)

OP posts:

chonky · 09/02/2005 09:21

Hope all goes OK this weekend. My PILs stay in a B&B as it's 'too stressful' for me having them under the same roof . We've got away with it so far as we were in a rented flat for ages, and last time they were down we'd just moved into our house, not too sure what next time's excuse will be!

At least it's your family that's local & not his

Davros · 09/02/2005 09:24

Another thing, locks on all the inside doors helps. Never mind the guests but generally when DS decides to get obsessed with water or standing on a table to look out of the window etc. We have all internal locks the same with those long, ridgy keys iyswim. Can be locked from inside or outside and no fuss finding lots of different keys.
Not saying you should tell them to bog off but remember thoughts have wings! As long as you don't feel bad about wanting them to bog off then that's OK. Maybe they won't want to come again, fingers crossed! It is tempting too sometimes to let people see what its like but when they are just intolerant it may not help.

Original poster

Jimjams · 09/02/2005 09:33

They don't see what its like though Davros! They just think its bad behaviour andd that ds1 wouldn't behave like that if they were in charge (whcih must be why he goes into a pinching frenzy as soon as MIL shows her face- she's great at reinforcing bad behaviour!)

OP posts:

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