How adaptable should you expect your children to be for guests?

[Jimjams]

Just curious really and pondering.

We have had visitors this weekend (family) who came with their 6 month old baby. Now coming to stay with us must have been a nightmare for them- I can see that. DS1 is loud (not much we can do about that), doesn't understand about staying out of their room (after all its the study - he's usually allowed in there), doesn't understand not to touch the laptop computer that's been brought down. He's obsessive- screamed until their door was opened etc. Because we've now had number 3 it meant there were times when we weren't able to shield them from ds1 so to speak.

However the husband got really quite stroppy at times- I think he thought that when I asked them to do something around ds1 (like wait until a little later before settling their baby to bed so that dh was around to stop ds1 charging into the room - as he had been the day before) that I was being difficult or pandering to him. He didn't seem to understand that pretty much everything we do has ds1 taken into consideration, for example getting into the car is done in a way that will suit him, trips out, shopping, bath times. not pandering to him- just that we have to to ensure he doesn't end up dead under a car or something. Lots of other examples - and I think the weekend was stressful for all concerned (including poor old ds1).

So how much should we do in our house to stop him affecting them? (I don't take him to their house as I know he can't behave in a manner they would find acceptable). For example the husband was trying to use his laptop on the floor when ds1 was around. Ds1 kept trying to touch it and sniff it and the husband "wanted him to stop". To do that we would have to drag him off and try and attract his attention elsewhere- should we be expected to do that- or should we be saying use your computer later, or put it elsewhere?

I find this sort of thing hard to be honest. The husband is clueless- completely clueless- so how polite should we be expected to be, and how adaptable should ds1 be expected to be?

The wife is my SIL. TBH I think it would be fine if it was just her- not sure how she would have reacted to the bath suggestion - but I'm sure she would have been less rude in a refusal. I don't think she really has a clue what it's like - but I think she is willing to try. I suspect she sat around feeling guilty all weekend, but she won't just kind of go ahead and do something. So she said "oh I haven't loaded your dishwasher as i didn't know where to put everything". I'm not like that- I'd rather someone just did something- evcen if iit needs a bit of reaaranging afterwards. DH did ask her to put the dinner on on Sunday in the end as he was looking after ds3 whilst I was trying to get ds1 to bed. He said she got very stressed about it though.

I know I;ve banged on about this but the dh is the one who asked us whether we'd ever considered giving ds1 a good slap, and also told us they kknew they didn't want "a ds1". (referring to him by name). The good slap comment just shows how far away from understanding he is. I don't think he particularly wanted to come and stay and tbh I wish he wouldn't but I can't really say to SIL - you're welcome but your prat of a husband isn't

Oh god, what a nightmare jimjams. Sounds like he's the one who needs a good slap. He's in for a rude awakening when his 6month old hits the terrible twos, let's hope they're particularly bad in his case!

aah daughter and SIl of your famously understanding PILs, then!

the good slap comment was unforgivable - I think it's unforgivable to say something like that to the parents of ANY child - you may need to do some plain speaking (like you DH did to his parents) if they are ever to come again.

They do sound like the very precious parents of one baby. My DD would have loved to have bathed with a 3yo when she was 6 months. Oh sorry, she did every night - her brother and did love it. She has also bathed with her cousin and my friend's DD. Hopefully like WWW says they will get a big dose of reality when toddlerdom arrives. And you can watch with satisfaction.

And thats even without their total lack of understanding of DS1 and his needs.

Surely this is a case of: "To each according to his needs; from each according to his abilities."

Sure, if we have visitors I expect dd1 (9) and ds (5) to behave in a way that will make their guests feel welcome (eg. not shut themselves in their rooms being antisocial) and by the same token I expect visitors kids to fit in with the normal rules that our kids go by (eg. not helping yourself from the fridge). But we're talking here about kids who are of an age and abiliity to understand what is being demanded of them.

But if I knew that the child didn't understand about appropriate behaviour and/or didn't have any impulse control then, sure, I wouldn't be pleased if the fridge got raided, but I'd figure we needed to arrange the house and child supervision in such a way as to pre-empt problems.

I guess conversely if you're visiting a house where you know that one of the children has particular non-negotiable requirements, then it's reasonable to try and adapt as far as you can -- negotiation is the key here, surely?

There's definitely a limit as to how far you should have to go to make your own kids fit in with visitors' convenience, especially if the visitors know that your ds1 isn't amenable to explanations and reasoning. If they really can't stand it, they don't have to come.

Having said that, if they've just had their first baby, they have presumably not yet woken up and smelt the parenting coffee, so they may wise up when it's their two-year old throwing a tantrum if he can't have the blue plate, or biting all the guests at his birthday party.

Jimjams, I do think it'll be satisfying to watch them wake up and smell the parenting coffee as frogs so wonderfully put it! I know, a way down the line but hey.

Jimjams,

can you tell me where they live so I can go and bop them on the nose?

i think you could be right bozza. I think sil could see I was pissed off about the "no no no" to the bath suggestion or maybe she was embarassed by her dh's rudeness (honestly it was incredibly rude and I'm not easily offended when it comes to my kids!) as she said "oh it's just that he's very slippery in the bath". So I put the 4 week old in with ds2 instead as he woke up (my children must have non-slip skin).

I suppose if you are used to being precious about your firstborn then coming to stay at a house with an autistic 5 year old must be like a trip into hell.

I'm pleased to see that I was on the right tracks though- for example it was fair enough to ask ds2 to be quiet as their child was sleeping (although as just 3 he needed constant reminders- especially as no-one is quiet for his newborn brother) as he can understand that- but ds1 no chance.

I always come away frome these weekends feeling terrible- as a) the guests have obviously had a dreadful time and so I've failed as a host and b) I always feel as if I've never protected ds1 enough from being told off or tutted at etc.

I dunno www the dh hates not being obeyed immediately- and the good slap comment makes me nervous to be honest.

Oh sorry jimjams, he sounds so horrible. I didn't mean it about the slap, I hope you knew what I meant, I'm not a smacker and actually, you're right, if he thinks your ds1 would benefit from a slap then god help his baby too. You haven't failed as a host, not remotely, you're a saint to have had them there,especially with a newborn. I think they failed miserably as guests. I'd find it very hard to keep this to myself. Can you just say no next time they even think about coming?

Actually I would be cautious about bathing an only child in with others if the child isn't used to that. We had a friend's 1-year old to stay overnight once, and all was going swimmingly until we popped him in the bath with our two older ones.

The poor child looked absolutely aghast at the idea of his bath being invaded by these two huge noisy children, and screamed inconsolably for about an hour.

Won't be doing that again.

oh dear frogs! Perhaps its a good job they said no then! (not just no "no no no)

I was an only but my parents seem to have photo albums full of me in the bath with various cousins and others. I remember when our ex-neighbours son came to live with us when we both teenagers - my parents used to love pulling out the photo of us in the bath together - cue both of us "will you put that thing away!"

Luckily - i have the PIL over this weekend. I have a feeling we are in for one of their famous dying swan acts as well. They originally cancelled their trip as they had flu at new year and fil has been working 16 hour days since returning to work 3 weeks ago. They said they were too ill to come (well enough to work 16 hour days, but not well enough to come and meet their new grandchild).

So I get PIL at 40 weeks pregnant. BIL from hell at 4 weeks post part and "ill" PIL at 5 weeks post partum and the beginning of half term. We did discuss getting rid of the spare bed at one stage......

I think lots of kids in the bath is lovely too -- our bathroom wall is full of pics of various combinations of ours and other people's kids in the bath. The record, I think, is six at once.

I just learnt the hard way that it's an acquired taste for some children. But I can see how you might feel a bit rejected if someone turned the idea down quite so emphatically!

sounds like our brathroom wall as well! It was the tone frogs - wasn't so offended more like furious at being spoken to in such a way in my own house.

jimjams- have skimmed through this thread- read your first post in detail and was fuming. It's your ds's home and IMO people should fit in around you and yours. If they can't then it's their problem not yours. Any child has a little routine and consistency is needed- if your ds is allowed in the study all the time then allowances have to be made by them that he'll expect to be allowed in whether they're in or not.

Regarding the bath issue- personally if I hadn't wanted to bathe my 4 week old with someone else's then I'd have made a suitable excuse.

Don't let them grind you down

I'm really sorry to hear you've had such a horrid weekend Jimjams.

I've nothing to add to the wise words here. I'm sure none of us can really begin to understand the implications on 'normal life' of living with a child with autism, but it's a shame some of your relatives don't seem willing to even try to understand.

Is ds1 still very happy and settled at his new school btw?

Excuse me whilst I nick your thread JJ but......

I really wasnt going to bother posting this but from reading whats been written thought I would share this with you.....

At the weekend I traveled for 7 hours to go and stay for the weekend with a relative stranger!!!!!
I met this person through another forum that BH and I use. I have had one other face to face meeting with D and her family.....so was fairly confident things would go OK....even though i was a tad apprehensive about actually staying over in her house.

Things were great....she welcomed us into her home with arms opened wide....never once did any comment pass her lips about J's behaviour....only his strengths were mentioned....never his weaknesses. We had the most stress free, relaxed weekend we have ever had away with J before. It was excellent.

Sadly we had to return back down south after Sunday lunch....beleive me I could have stayed there for at least another night!!!!

To break the journey we stayed overnight with my Mother....argh!!!!! The whole topic of conversation from the minute we stepped over her threshold was about how little J does....how much my 3 year old nephew does do....chilkdren with SEN label just need a good smack....you know how it goes when someone starts talking out their arse...well Mother was on a roll!!!!

This is supposed to be my sons grandmother....yet she never once spoke to him directly...let alone give him a hug or a kiss...she might catch something!!!!! It was a nightmare and we soon escaped after an almighty barney where I let a few home truths spurt out after a glass too many!!!!

Never again will I speak to the evil woman......my friend D...now thats a different story...she is so supportive she listens, she understands....we are real soul buddies and have so much in common.......maybe its because she has the most beautiful son who just so happens to have Aspergers!!!!!

Anyone coming into my home from now on and interacting with us as a family will only be made welcome if they accept us ALL for being who we are....and that includes my wee man...

pixiefish- the 4 week old is ours- theirs is 6 months (I wouldn't have suggested it at 4 weeks!)

Jaysmum- glad you had a lovely weekend- and I do find that when people come to stay who understand its a pleasure. had some (childless) japanese friends here a few months ago and it was woonderful (ds1 was a nightmare- but they were great!)

I think you said it JimJams - "He didn't seem to understand that pretty much everything we do has ds1 taken into consideration".
People need to be educated sometimes, as boring and annoying as that is. Until you have experience with a child who is autistic how could you ever get it? even if you knew someone else with autism, each child/adult has such different needs. It sounded like you were being very sensible and fair and reasonable as far as I can see but then I know so much about your situation that I get it. He sounded like he needed it explaining and as he's a protective new dad he just wanted to 'pander' to his child and perhaps for that reason found it difficult to be more understanding of your sons needs. It is always going to be difficult when a person staying with you isn't a) understanding and b) patient. Sounds like he lacked a bit of both of these qualities?? I'm sire he's a lovley man and a geat dad and all that but he may well have found a lot of your DS's traits hard to handle. You shouldn't have to pander to him though, as in pander to your friend, the dad, your son is your son and doe what he does, end of.

Jimjams, honestly you are a saint. I would be suggesting the local b&b to all rellies from now on excusing it with "now we have 3 children, the space etc etc". I'm with the visitors stink poster on this and your bil sounds VILE!

errrmmm, I didn't read the whole thread and rushed a poist out, I didn't see the good slap comment, sorry, can i take back everything i said before please?!

Jimjams... you are a saint.