How much do you think it's fair to ask of siblings?

[jimjamshaslefttheyurt]

Something I've been pondering as ds2 is getting older (he's 6 now and quite sensible). DS3 is still a it young but this will become relevant to him in the future.

DS2 is now of an age where he can help me a bit with ds1. For example yesterday I was trying to cook dinner - and ds1 was upstairs. I know he's climbing at the dodgy windows all the time at the moment, so he needs constant checking. But I can't cook and walk up 3 flights of stairs repeatedly so I asked ds2 to run upstairs and check whether ds1 was climbing for me (he was, so I got him down).

This little routine/this type of thing can happen repeatedly - and ds2 did at one stage huff 'it's ALWAYS me that gets asked to do this'. Which is true it is. I would never ask him to go upstairs and generally watch ds1 because that would be too much responsibility for a 6 year old, and the consequences of ds1 falling through the window whilst ds2 played on his DS or something would be too awful.

But how much is it OK to ask a sibling to help. Obviously as he gets older there'll be more he can us with (ds3 too), so how much do you get them to do.

Other opinions/experiences welcomed as it's something I can't work out.

jimjam. paying does help as it takes the guilt out of it

oh ds2 would probably do anything for money

2 shoes Can I ask how much actual caring your pay your son to do. Would he change a nappy for example (sorry dreadful question, but obviously as the other 2 get older if they're going to look after ds1 at night this would be the sort of thing they would need to do and I find it really hard to know how much actual caring is acceptable in an older teen. It's good to hear other experiences

Fio I can see what you mean about it being personality based. DS2 is so sensible I can see him being in charge of ds1's money, but even aged 3 ds3 is more wiling to throw himself into the actual bossing -around-- caring for ds1. "GET DOWN DS1' is always ds3. He also says "GOOD BOY ds1' although he's 3 and ds1 is 9.

oh email me if you don't want to reply on here 2shoes. I'm overthinking this I suspect, but as they get older I feel like I need a clear plan on what's acceptable/the norm for siblings. I don't want to overstep some mark because I'm desperate for help iyswim

I'm still laughing at your ds1's 'I can't cope with both of you'

DS2 can often be heard saying "oh my goodness I just want some peace and quiet".

Meant to reply to this last night and then phone didn't stop ringing.

As you know JJ, we are in a similar position - even though my DS1 is the older child, he is close in age to your DS2. Atm I take a very similar line to you, but have also pondered long and hard about how much responsibility DS1 should have. About a year ago he told me and DH that 'you can go on holiday on your own when I'm grown up because me and my wife will take care of DS2'. Made me but I also thought - ooh, is he expecting to have to look after him when he's older? So we had a chat about it (wish I'd had Davros's line about 'caring about not for'). I also asked him what he would do if his wife didn't want to look after DS2 and he said ' Not marry her' .

In the light of your post yesterday I talked to him again and he seems to enjoy the responsibility tbh - I think it makes him feel grown up (esp as he's only 16 months older than DS2).

I have a friend whose children are in a young carers group - I was going to check that out when my dcs get a bit older, to get them a bit of support and help them help ds1. This thread just reminded me - thanks!

have posted on TTR

Have replied

Are they for siblings too? That hadn't really occurred to me. TBH ds2 and ds3 barely seem to notice they have a brother with a severe disability (an advantage of the siblings being younger is its their normality). If they ever look as if they need contact with others in the same boat I'll remember those.

I think the guilt is normal.

I don?t have a child with SN, but I have recently been wondering about whether it?s appropriate for me to ask ds to help me with even minor things, such as finding one/two items in the shop, or if I drop something he can see it quicker than I can find it, or to read a label on a tin/packet/jar for me (as he can now read).

My filosophy was always that I would never rely on ds to help me, that I would never want him to have to compensate for the fact I cannot see, but that I would want him to be aware and grow up with a greater tolerance of the fact that not everyone is alike and not everyone can do the same things. I think this stems from the fact I knew a couple who were both blind, and who relied on their daughter to help them with almost everything. Going shopping with them/reading the mail etc and when she turned 17 they bought her a car, paid for her lessons and insurance, but on the proviso that she drive them, and any blind friends and relatives of theirs, anywhere they desired, when they desired. I was never comfortable with that idea and I was certain I would never impose like that on my ds.

But as he?s got older I have found myself asking if he will help with just little things, and generally he?s happy to. So if we only need one item in the shop he generally knows where it is and will go with me to find it, but if we need more than that then I get assistance from the shop staff. Also I only do this in our small local tescos and not in the huge asda. On the one hand I wonder if it?s right, but on the other hand finding items in a shop is something all children should learn perhaps? So although he?s helping me he?s also learning some independence along the way. Or is that just me justifying?

Tbh, although my experience is nowhere near anyone else?s on here, I do think that children?s normal stems from the family they are born into. So a child born into a family with a severely disabled sibling knows no different and that is their normal.

Think I?m babbling now about things I really know little about so I?ll shut up.

That makes sense wannabe. I think I feel the same I guess about the younger 2 boys.

Wannabe - I think you are right about getting them to help encouraging their independence and I think they like that too.

ours help in different eways, of course their needs are different

ds2 helps with all and regularly gets huffy about it but I try to make it up, things like checking / pulling chairs- not rocket science but needed

ds1 despite his asd helps with practical things for ds3 if i am present- he might pop socks on or a coat if I am doing the baby, he also loves to fetch baby clothes for me.

it's just the way it is. there's a lot of stuff about the boys i feel bad for (usually ds1's behaviour) but a bit of helping out isn't much, i would expect it in any larger family where able.

I can give two perspectives. My mum has a half brother who has an acquired brain injury through an accident as a man in his 20's. As an extended family we all helped out with his therapy. My grandmother did a lot of it but I can remember as a ten year old helping to do something called 'Patterning'. I always had his head.

The expectation now is that he is family and family look out for each other. Whatever form that takes. I do have an aunt and uncle who do nothing for this other uncle but then I have an aunt who does a lot for him. She has that expectation of her daughters that when my aunt is no longer around - if my uncle is then we look out for him.

As with dd1(6) - dd2(3) is sent to just check where she is - as she is with dd3(1). When we are out and about - dd2 is often relied upon to be the 'big sister' as dd3 and dd1 need our attention more. However we often try and do just things with dd2 and me or dd2 and dh - so she gets some dd2 time iyswim. She is not expected to move dd1 or stop her but to just keep an eye out for her.

Dd2 is probably dd1's biggest fan ( and sometimes worst enemy - with sibling fights etc.) She is often heard cheering dd1 along - good job dd1, good taking your medicine or whatever. She is also a brilliant older sister to dd3.

We often wonder if we expect too much of her and forget that is only 3 as at times she seems so much older. However we talk about family and how we all help out in a family. Dd1 has her own chores and expectations to help out around the house. But I think dd2 is expected to do a little more.

I think it is how you approach it. As I said we talk about how families look out for each other - how we care and be kind to each other etc. I also decided to go to a playgroup for dd2 (i am not fussed) but she loves it so that is her thing and we try not to miss it.

hope that helps.

i guess sometimes we live in an sn world iyswim that we forget that families with nt children would expect them to help out with other siblings. Our helping out just takes a different form. I think as someone else said when ti becomes direct caring for any length of time then it could become an issue.

Dd2 is encouraging dd1 with her toilet training by getting her to come with her and showing how to do it but we would never expect her to do that.