having another baby after a child with SN

[Hangingbellyofbabylon]

sorry, I couldn't word the title well but I need to try to talk through all of this. DH and I have always wanted 3 children. At the moment I have dd1 who will be 4 in Aug and dd2 who is 2 and a bit and has Spastic Diplegia CP.

If she didn't have CP we would be trying for another baby now. What stops me is not being able to cope with all of the physical stuff - carrying a heavy 2 year old when pregnant etc. Also I have had 2 previous miscarriages and the thought of having another and looking after my dd's is too much.

I don't want to resent dd2 and feel that she is the reason I don't have another baby. I am scared that if I did have another baby - how could I celebrate those first steps etc, knowing that he/she would probably walk before dd2?

And worse of all, dh and I went to a wedding 2 weeks ago and when dh was drunk we were not careful so I actually could be pregnant now.

Happened to us. Wanted 3, but couldn't go for it once we knew ds1 was autistic. Got pregnant anyway. DS1 is severely autistic ds2 and ds3 (our accident) fine.

Ended up pleased the decision was made for us.

Well, just wanted to throw in that there are plenty of us SN mums here who have 2+ children.

Hangingbelly - we've got 3 and DS2 has the SN. Its been hard but lovely. And GREAT for him to be a big brother, even though it looks like she will catch up with him quite quickly in speech etc. (He is speech disorded).
The physical stuff has been hard for me as I have a very bad back and DS2 still needs to be carried around a bit. But I have managed. And love having 3. Good luck.

I know CP is a completely different kettle of fish. I'm sure some of the other CP mums will come on and share experiences. I just wanted to say that it had been good for us in ways I hadn't expected.

my dd1 does not have cp but she has down syndrome. We always intended for her to be one of a few children. When I was pregnant with dd2 - I was huge as dd2 was huge, dd1 was not walking, not really crawling a lot etc. Dd1 was also quite heavy.

I was surprised how much I did do and could do with her even when I was heavily pregnant.

We now have three dds. I had dd3 when dd1 was 4y8m. Whilst she was walking - she was taking off and so you would invariably see a large waddling woman running as fast as she could after an escapee - carrying dd2.

There are things that my dd2 can do that my dd1 still can't at almost 6. We celebrate each person's achievements as they come. Yes some are bitter sweet and there are times when I get sad to see how easy it all seems for dd2 when dd1 has to struggle. Dd1's biggest fan - dd2 and also dd3 is fast coming onside as well.

You celebrate those first steps with the other child as it is their achievement and it is a big milestone for them. Yes, you may feel like crying on the inside as you wonder if your older child will manage.

I think we try to take our attitude from the dds. They see dd1 as just dd1 not dd1 who can't do things they can do. DD1 loves being a big sister. She could not wait to show off dd3 when she was born.

Sorry - probably not answered what you really wanted to know but I hope it helps.

hi there hangingbelly, like eidsvold I also have 3 children (dd1, dd2, and then a ds), with dd2 having Down's syndrome and hearing problems.
Ds (who is now 4.5 years old) was born when dd1 was 4 and dd2 was 2.5 and had only just started toddling unsteadily.

It was ok, honestly! The pregnancy was fine - you can manage lugging other children about whilst being pregnant - I did at times carry two girls whilst have a big pregnant belly. I think the human race would have died out if women couldn't lug their other children about whilst being pregnant.

It was somewhat bittersweet when ds overtook dd2 developmentally - we did get used to it quite quickly though and just ended up valueing everyone's individual achievements, as eidsvold said.

Dd2 and ds are very, very close, because in some ways they're a bit like twins I guess and have similar interests. I am very happy we decided to have another - it was a spur-of-the-moment decision and I was a bit wobbly about it during the pregnancy, but looking back it was absolutely the right thing to do, also in terms of family support when they're all older. We always wanted dd1 to have a non-disabled sibling to be there to confer with when the children are grown up.

Thank you all for your messages - the overwhelming message being that yes you do cope! I guess if someone had told me a few years back that I would have a daughter with SN I would have automatically thought 'but I won't cope' but here I am coping (well sort of..). I guess we'll have to see what happens but one thing for sure is no going to weddings and getting drunk. I can't cope with the uncertainty

We are in hte middle of the same dilemma.

I have dd1 (ASD) who is now 3.10 and dd2 (so far NT) who is 16 months. We would both quite like another one really, but not too sure about it. Our liklihood of another child with ASD is fairly high - there is ASD on bothsides of our families.

When I was pregnant with dd2 dd1 was not at all independent, so i was carying a huge 2 year old everywhere, and still spoonfeeding her, and doing everyhting for her, basically. It was not fun, but we got htrough it (we were having major buiding works doen on the house at the time, and dh had 2 major operations back to back as well - I think I jst blanked most of it and lived day to day)

The bittersweetness of having a younger sibling overtake an older child is hard at first. It felt almost like a betrayal to me to be celbrating something that dd2 did that d1 still cannot do, but I too have come to celebrate each child for what they are, and take each achievement individually. It is as big a thing for dd1 to realise that she can copy me and pat her head as it is for dd2. It does ot matter that dd1 is nearly 4 and "should" have done it years ago. She is doing it now, that is the important thing

Same here - DS2 conceived a month before I realised DS1 was ASD. They are 4.3 and 20 months now. DS2 is streets ahead in social understanding and communication. Although he still has fewer words than DS1, he started at the 'right' age , 15 months. I quite like it really esp. when we meet people who kept hinting that I must have been doing something wrong because DS1 wasn't talking like other children his age. How do you explain this one then, if I'm so useless!

Hi there Hanging, in my humble opinion, if you are even considering having another child it probably means that deep inside you really want a third baby and think you could cope.

I definitely do NOT want a third child, I don't think I could cope. So I don't even consider the option. And drunk or not there will be NO accidents in the tinysocks household.

And...I maybe COMPLETELY wrong... but could it be possible that the accident you had 2 weeks ago was a subconscious atempt to get pregnant???

Whatever you decide, I am sure you'll be just fine!! There are plenty of mums here that are coping amazingly well.

Hangingbelly, you are past the chance for 2 under 2 so I think you'd cope just fine! Once my DS (AS) turned 2 I suddenly got broody realising it wouldn't be like the last time (20m age gap hell), before then I was badgering DH for the snip!

Maybe you should wait til you can get some respite from both the older kids and enjoy a new baby more (ie school and pre-school)? I'm expecting no3 next month but DS starts (inclusive) pre-school in Sep so that will be heaven - 3hrs a day just baby and me.

I have DS1 who is 15 DS2 who is 11 with ASD and now DD who is 5.
We ahd always mused aboutthree children but DS2 was incredibly hard work for the years until he started regaining speech at about 4.

We realised we were getting over the shock and grief when we started talking about more children when DS 2 was about 5.
We also had to build into the decision that DS1 had found DS2s regression incredibly difficult.
We knew that you can never everguarentee that a child will not have some issues so we wondered about how he would cope too.
We talked about it - including to DS1 ( although he always understood it was our decision and responsibility not his)
Having moo was the best thing we ever did. We feel complete as a family. She is NT and actually I haven't had a problem when she has passed DS2 by, although I did anticipate finding it difficult. But that hasn't been.
She is a delight for her big brother and DS2 has a contant and understanding playmate.
I would never have tried for another baby unless I was ready to have whatever child I got - they were going to be loved regardless and we knew we would cope.
I wasn't really ready for how extraordinary and fabulous it has been.
We are done now. My gorgeous family is full and we could not be happier.

pagwatch, that is lovely.