So is there a correct response when a child at school comes over to tell you how much their mother hates your 5yr-old?

[coppertop]

Because that's what happened to me today.

At ds2's school sports day one of the other boys told ds2 (who was sitting down minding his own business) "My mum says she hates you." Ds2 (ASD) was staring into space and didn't seem to hear him so the boy turned to me and said quite happily "My mum says she hates ."

I'm sure you can probably imagine what I wanted to say but instead smiled through gritted teeth and said "Well thankyou for telling me. Make sure you let your mum know that you've told me."

I have no idea where this has come from. The other little boy is in a different Reception class to ds2. Ds2 has never mentioned him before, and I only know who he is because he has a brother in the same year as ds1 (again in a different class).

Ds2 is generally doing well at school. He has had meltdowns there before but he takes his anger out on himself rather than on other people. If something goes wrong and he gets upset he will punch himself in the face or bang his head against a wall or on the floor. I can't for the life of me understand why on earth she has singled out ds2.

I'd like to give the mother the benefit of the doubt but my instinct is telling me that her ds was telling the truth. He was very matter-of-fact about it and wandered off again as soon as he'd told me. My one consolation is that at least ds2 didn't seem to hear him as he has a tendency to take everything to heart. If someone calls him names he obsesses about it for months afterwards.

what a nasty child. he must get that from his mother.I think i would have had to speak to her. if only to let her know her son was repeating stuff(doubt she meant him to tell you)
god some kids and their parents are the limit.

How horrible. Think I would mention it to the other mother in a brisk, just in passing manner: 'Your ds said something very strange the other day...'

I think the correct response is just to leave well alone - dismiss her in your mind as a silly cow and just plough on. What's gobsmacking is that having randomly decided to hate your child, she's then stupid enough to tell a 5 year old (not known for their discretion, ime) that.

How odd - and upsetting! Ofcourse the child could have misunderstood- does her boss or ex share the same name as Ds2 perhaps? Your response was fine!
I had a child (4) tell me his father had told him to beat up my son (4) after I stopped him doing exactly that! I think it was Dad speak for stand up for your self son and taken literally!

beautifully handled if I may say so

"Make sure you tell mummy you told me" has just the right tone to it

Could the child be making it up? Children sometimes like to pretend that grown ups agree with their opinions to make them seem more important.

I'd almost certainly have said, in a quiet, gritted teeth sort of way, 'Really? Your mummy sounds like a horrible lady if she says nasty things like that.' But then I have a slight red mist issue.
When one child constantly told me that my son was 'naughty' I said, 'Oh dear, nobody's going to like you if you keep saying mean things about other people' and he never did it again.

I think you handled it really well coppertop. Sometimes people say these things just to wind folk up, so I'm pleased you didn't rise to the bait. Who knows where it came from but I suspect (from personal experience) that his mum really did say it. Ignore her, she's not worth your breath.

I think you responded admirably. Thank goodness your son didn't hear. I would avoid her 100% and maybe ask the teacher if there are any issues between her children and yours as she has said she hates your child.

I am sorry for the language but what a bitch.

Your response was immaculate. But I do wonder if there might not be some truth in Cyberseraphim's suggestion that the child is projecting his own feelings onto his mother. They may have had a conversation on the lines of
-I hate X, he's been horrid to me today.
-Oh dear, that doesn't sound very nice.
Child thinks:
Mum says X isn't nice. That means she hates him too.

Well handled! Surely a misunderstanding???

LOL at MsDemeanor 'nobody's going to like you if you keep saying mean things about other people'. I'm remembering that one!

You handled it so much better than I would have.
If his mum did say such a thing, it is extremely sad that she chooses to teach her child lessons of hatred instead of lessons of love. We need less people like that in this world.

CT . But there MAY be a misunderstanding - possibly the boy overheard his mum saying something and misinterpreted it? The fact that he seemed so cheery about it means (I think) that he doesn't understand the seriousness of the word 'hate'. I think your reply was great - I would have flustered and blustered and thought of a good thing to say ten minutes later...

Thanks for all the replies.

I saw the mother dropping off her ds on Friday morning. If looks could kill I wouldn't be here typing on MN. I suspect her ds must have said something to her.

I would usually give the other person the benefit of the doubt but with this particular person my instincts tell me that the boy was telling the truth.

I've given up trying to work out why though and have come to the conclusion that it's her problem and not mine.

Thanks again, everyone. MN is a great place when you need to get something off your considerable chest.