don't know what to do

[2plusangels]

please help me somebody, i've just spent the last hour in my GP clinic with my dd screaming and basically having a meltdown. He has an ilogical fear of children crying and it often result in between 30 to 120mins of him in a complete meltdown whereever we are and i can not reach him. My gp was shaking when we left and i'm afraid he will expel us from his surgery. The same thing happens every day at school and at home, I'm afraid to take him out to park fir exercise which he need because he is so active. I have a baby at the moment so that doesn't help things at all. Does anyone have a way of dealing with irrational fears in children with Autism? These episodes leave me totally drained and in despair, I have a feeling the school (mainsteam) are going to say soon that they can not include him in thier school, i'm a lone parent and I feel like i'm failing my dd...please help me

OMG you really have your hands full. Do you get any help from your HV or CDU? Is there a Parent Partnership in your area? Parent Partnerships are there to support parents of children with SEN and can offer help in many ways.
I'm sorry I don't have any experience of autism, my DD has GDD but she can go ballistic at the GPs. Fortunately we've finally found a really good one but it hard even with him!

2plus, sorry you have so much to cope with, can you get and advocate from NAS to help negotiate things with the school?

you're not failing your child, you are coping with a very difficult circumstance, and I am sure you are doing the very best you are able to and that it is way good enough. [this is what my gp says to me to keep me going and appreciate how hard it is - ds AS]

there are lots of helpful listeners here.

It must be very upsetting for all of you . It will be a logical fear for him, but he may not be able to articulate why it upsets him, or even be able to fully understand himself why it upsets him. For example I couldn't eat in the school dinner hall, I wasn't able to analayse and say why not and I wasn't able to tell the teachers that I couldn't do so. But I knew that I couldn't manage it. And my older son gets upset often if something changes in his routine and whilst he isn't able to explain why it makes sense to me because I understand how important routines are.
I know with myself that if someone cries or shouts angrily near me I will usually start crying and feeling very upset, even though it has nowt to do with me. Is it possible that something like this is happening with your ds? Or is he sensitive to the actual sounds?
With myself when something is upsetting me I will either focus on something small and stable in front of me (eg a mark on a wall or the floor) or I will stim. With Ds1, because his receptive language isn't at the point of me being able to suggest ways of settling him then I will count to him. This isn't because it's a "count to 10 and you'll calm down" scenario, but because his major obsession is numbers and counting and focusing on that allows him to settle. It doesn't always work, but it has a good chance. Is there anyway you could take a series of pictures relating to your ds's interest(s)? Something that he could try and focus on? If you're not already doing so I would also suggest when he starts getting agitated at the crying to let him, or help him, move to a quiet corner of the waiting area and deter others from crowding him. He'll still hear the crying so it may not be successful but it might help if he feels he has some more space away from the children crying.

2plusangels Hi! You have a lot on your plate!!
It occurred to me that if the gp was shaking after only one evening (you have every day) he might be amenable to helping you get support and now might be the time to ask for it (by letter if that is easier)!
My son (ASD/ADHD) also has irrational fears but he is easier to distract (like bullet) than some (he has LD also).
Hope today is a better day.

My ds can be quite hard to distract once he's 'started'. At the doctors you could explain at reception and ask if they have somewhere seperate you could sit? - Our Gp used to have a baby feeding room we could sit in. I also explained at our dentist that ds couldn't do waiting and they gave us the dentist that is always on time. My ds (8) has a nintendo ds thing that we always take when we are going into a possibly tense situation and he just focuses on that now - much easier, previous distractions mainly consisted of chocolate!(I'm never going to make mother of the year but anything to avoid 3 screaming children in a crowded surgery - been there too many times.) I find sometimes that I can calm ds down but when other people butt in it gets on both our nerves and just makes things worse - hence trying to find somewhere separate to sit. You are definately not failing your child!

hi all, just a little update, I got a call from my GP today saying that something has to be done to manage my ds tantrum as the doctor said that he was uncontrollable, I explained again that my ds has autism and that I am doing my best to manage his meltdown, I said I would go in next week as they insist i come in to talk more about it. The school senco rang and left message to come and pick him up as he was having another meltdown and was a danger to himeself and his shadow(someone I (sadly)empolyed but now feel she is not doing her job well as she involves the senco a lot with ds's meltdown and tells them instead of me that she cant manage,she has been with ds at school for a year. past shadows managed the situation more efficiently by using time-out room and redirection with out attracting the attention of the senco constantly),by the time I got the message and rang the school to find out what the situation was, my ds had calmed and i didn't get to speak to senco as she was in a meeting.

I really, really feel for you. My DS (autistic) used to have a fear of other children crying and as I never heard anyone else say anything similar I thought we were the only ones! The worst time for us was when he was aged 2-3 and went to a childminder. She just had one other baby to look after, but he was ALWAYS teething and crying so DS spent every day sitting in the hallway on his own and crying.

He's now much better than he was. He can cope with a crying baby for a little while, but if it goes on and on he will start to get worked up and, eventually, hysterical. It's not much fun on the bus! However, I don't know how he learned to cope so I can't really advise on a way forward. When he started at nursery a year and a half ago he couldn't cope with it at all, but he just seems to have become desensitised.

Good luck! Your situation sounds really hard.

I feel for you too! I think the GP is trying to help you not blame you! You are doing your best in a very difficult situation.

Like Captain Plum said my ds has gradually learnt to cope with crying more - but not really sure how he's learn't to cope. Looks like for some it does get better as they get older(not much help now I know) I know I have definitely desensitised to the glares of others!

Hopefully your GP will offer some help - I really wouldn't think they would try and 'blame' you. Even with the most limited experience of autism they must realise meltdowns are inevitable.

We used to have the school problem too but ds is much better now he has moved to a special school - although seems to be suffering 'end-of-term-itis' at the moment. Joy!

Can I ask what you're trying so far to help him calm down? What techniques have you been given/learned so far?

You poor thing! You have alot to cope with, and your are doing so well.
My 3 year old(asd) also does this, and can't be calmed down either. I understand just how distressing it is. I am afraid I have no advice, but can sympathise. I have to say, I didn't realise it was so common. I hope they become desensitised,it certainly is good to hear that they do.
I haven't been given any techniques to calm him down, in fact the clinical psychologist does not think it is a problem, no matter how often I tell her.
It is good that your gp wants to help you, mine is still in denial about asd. I am sure he thinks we are mad and that somehow my parenting skills are to blame.
I really hope you get some good constructive advice and help, it must be very tough as a single parent.

You poor thing! You have alot to cope with, and your are doing so well.
My 3 year old(asd) also does this, and can't be calmed down either. I understand just how distressing it is. I am afraid I have no advice, but can sympathise. I have to say, I didn't realise it was so common. I hope they become desensitised,it certainly is good to hear that they do.
I haven't been given any techniques to calm him down, in fact the clinical psychologist does not think it is a problem, no matter how often I tell her.
It is good that your gp wants to help you, mine is still in denial about asd. I am sure he thinks we are mad and that somehow my parenting skills are to blame.
I really hope you get some good constructive advice and help, it must be very tough as a single parent.

ooops!

Ds2 also hates crying/screaming/high pitched children's voices. Have you tried ear defenders (if he'll wear anything on his ears)? DS2 used not to, but will now and it makes a big difference to his tolerance of sounds.

The other thing that was suggested to me (but I haven't tried) was to record some of the sounds he hates, then give him control of the volume knob. Show him how he can make the sound very soft, then gradually increase. Reward him with his very favourite thing while he's doing this, so he learns to associate a pleasurable thing with the feared thing.

at your GP and the school btw - understanding and sensitivity obviously not their strong points.

Thanks All. hello amber32002, so far I have tried social stories to teach him that it is ok to cry and that children cry for different reasons, I have tried the brushing technique to try to desentisize him, as i yhought it could be a sensory problem, I have tried time out which is not practical at school or in public place as people are not so understanding to what they are seeing, I've tried talking to him and tried many time and still trying to get him to explain to me how crying makes him feel to no avail. i've even tried EFT which involves tapping on accupressure point on the body..I have also tried breathing exercise that he doesn't/cant use when in a meltdown and forget to use even when prompted when he sees someone crying. I have prayed!I tried to redirect him with somethings I know are motivating for him, I've trield withholding same things as to motivate him not to have meltdown the next time. I've tried planned ignoring his meltdowns tro crying in the hope that if i dont pay attention to this, it would stopped but this is not pratical in public place or at school and it doesn't actually achieve any thing anywhere...Now I'm complying crying onto CD and playing it during the summer holiday in the hope of desentisizing him to the sound, does anybody know what else to try?

I'm not sure about the desensitising thing. We're really bad at being able to 'tune things out'. We're also hypersensitive to certain sounds and frequencies. Is it younger children crying that he finds really hard? I wonder about earmuffs to stop him hearing the sound. And perhaps a really heavy overjacket to help calm him (we often love being under heavier things - you can buy them specially designed as a weight jacket). It's difficult to say without me being there to hear what he's hearing and see what he's seeing (we often see the world differently to other people). The local autism charity should be able to help, too.
So frustrating for you, though, and such a worry?

One thing that may be relevant to you. I personally don't have meltdowns, I react to stressful situations by withdrawing into myself and finding interaction or speech extremely difficult. However, when I have reached that point I find rationalisation completely impossible. I need someone (usually DH) to say that we are going to go somewhere quieter for example, I can't make the decision to go myself. And at the time and for a good while afterwards I can't articulate/explain why I feel or react to things as I do. In fact, being honest, it took me until I was in my twenties to be able to explain to people that a busy street could really upset and stress me out and that was one reason I hate shopping. Before that I didn't understand myself, I knew I didn't like it, but couldn't analyse the reasons sufficiently.

Yes, amber32002, he finds younger children crying the hardest (0 to 9, children in his class cry maybe because the academic expectation of them, at school he experience at least 4-5 episodes of children crying daily...I wonder if school will allow earmuffs? i like that idea...

Hi amber32002, do you have any ideas on how i should approach school with regards to DS wearing earmuffs??

Hi amber32002, do you have any ideas on how i should approach school with regards to DS wearing earmuffs??