"well he learned a lesson at least" er NO NO NO

[motherofgood]

My DS is 8 and has AS.
My mum was minding DS and they went shopping, DS is not great at making choices or decisions but hes doing well with the help of SALT and OT
My mum told him he had 10 euro to spend, they went to about 8 different shops, he couldnt make up his mind, was hiding things etc - that he might come back for later
eventually he decided on Man U stikers but mum said she knew he didnt really want them - he just wanted something (my alarm bell is ringing)
When they were outside he started saying she was horrible and the worst Nanny ever, he hated the stickers and hated her, she then put the stickers in the bin and told him its not nice to be mad with someone who has just bought you somthing and nada nada nada.....

She rang me and very proudly said "he has learned a lesson now" I (very meekly) said no he hasnt, actually, he has learnt you are someone else who doesnt understand him and he will always hate that bin, bye bye talk to you soon-breezy emoticon
Would go to AIBU but would be flamed
But do i let my Mum think shes helping when shes not????

. poor lad. well the lesson he's learned is he's only allowed to choose items that Nanny will like - which is really going to encourage confidence in making decisions in future......

Your mum doesn't get AS, does she?

If you printed off something like this for her - with highlights - would it help?

really sad thing was when i asked how did the shopping go he said fine, but I dont want a Subway anymore, I asked why, he said he didnt know....the bin with the Manu Stickers in is right outside

I think Grandparents tend to forget what young children are like anyway and when you add AS to the mix...well...What you said on the phone might have made her think twice...maybe?

so you dont think i was out of order saying something to her?

oh poor lad.
dd hasn't got as(cp) but it can take for ever for her too choose(ffs ds is 16 and nt and takes him ages in the game shop)
don't think I would send him shopping with her again

thanks for replies, at least i know now im not being silly, i will have a proper talk with my mum and sort it out
thanks

well if I think my mum has handled something wrong I would always tell her, put it that way.

thinking again, ive tried the proper chat, the Oasis stuff(thanks Wendy!) and talking to family
TBH they all dismiss it and say all boys do that!
I try to tell them that ive done my time with the professionals and if i was a shit mum someone would have spotted it by now
it gets me down

I hate the "all children do that" response..... yes but for how long, how often, they move on, they learn much more easily from experiences etc etc. I wouldn't speak to her if it was my mum as I know it would be useless, would just avoid situation again and let her realise by actions, but maybe you can speak to your mum????

I don't think you were out of order saying something at all. You could maybe just try and explain one more time why the situation went pear-shaped and if it doesn't sink in at least you tried.

Thing is being indecisive and stroppy in shops thing actually is something that 'all children do' the problems arise when you try and deal with the situation in an 'all children' way.

That OASIS link is fab, thanks WendyWeber.

It is good, isn't it, Buckets? I have learned so much about ASD from MN, I am on a mission to spread the word! (motherofgood, I'm sorry none of that stuff works with your mum, it must be so hard that she won't understand & makes you feel bad because of it )

hi
thanks for all the replies
i spoke to my Mum today and she didnt say anything about it

Ds all over the place, moody, hyper, clingy..
hes being doing so well lately, this is the 1st setback hes had in ages

i think i may be better spending my time talking to my DS about his behaviour when hes with my Mum instead of trying to get her to understand

i will give him clear rules of what is and isnt allowed and tell my Mum what the rules are before they go anywhere, i would normaly know what they will be doing, so i'll prepare him as much as i can
thanks again

Wendyweber
Just looked at the OASIS link - I've already dowmloaded it and sent it to my parents. Thanks for the tip off.

Motherofgod.
My mum can be a bit resistant and thinks she can persuade Ds to do things a bit differently. She just doesn't realise why I am so rigid with him. Its well meaning but very frustrating. I think its a good idea to help your DS cope with your mum rather than trying to change her. I find some people just never 'get' it. We all know its not easy, and we live with these kids 24/7 - we have to become expert mediators!

Just browsing and read this with interest.

What should the Mum have done?

Obviously she should not thrown them in the bin, but I wasn't sure whether you were saying that she should not have let him buy them?

Would love to know as I do have contact with children with AS and could do with some tips. Reading this made me realise that there are a whole set of strategies out there that are a closed book to me.

hi
thanks wmfrog - i have had a few chats with him about my Mum being older and he has to mind her, even when she is minding him! he seems to like the idea and has promised to have really really good manners when he is with her and he will talk to me when he gets home if he thinks she didnt understand him, so hopefully that might take some anxiety away from him

balloonslayer - i cant say exactly what i think my Mum should have done in that situation as i accept if i leave DS in her care i accept she has to discipline him in whatever way she sees fit at that time.

i suppose i was so annoyed because it seemed like she assumed he was just being awkward and spoilt and if he was just told for once in his life he would behave - i would be over the moon if it was that simple
i have spoken to her loads of times about his problems with too many choices and making decisions and how SALT is helping him and how well he is doing, so its not as if she is completly in the dark
what i would have liked her to do is realise after 2 or 3 shops that her DGS is not in the form for shopping so distract him and maybe say, lets get an ice cream instead and watch the ducks, we can do the shopping another time and make that great fun, instead of thinking she can teach him a lesson in one morning (something that she knows i,ve been trying to help him with for years )
i hope i dont sound like im ranting but i thought i should try to explain as best i could
btw my Mum minded DS this morning, they had a great time and she brought him to his SALT app (grin)