Problems with extremely anxious autistic girl aged 6 and father blaming me for stuff

[MyTrivia]

I have other autistic children so to me, I feel that she’s particularly anxious. So much so that I think she may need medication. I know she’s very young for that but believe me when I say the anxiety is severe. Yesterday, I heard blood curdling screams from downstairs and it turned out to be because one of her sisters took a photograph and she just happened to be in the frame. Every day she spends all of her time asking me how many seconds until this, how many seconds until that. I so rarely hear her laugh any more and I feel so sad for her.

She has a diagnosis but I am having trouble getting her under a community paediatrician like my other kids were.

She’s doing very well at school, academically and is at a really small school. They accommodate her needs very well atm. even so, it takes a lot of work to get her into school atm. But once she’s there she really enjoys her day.

At the moment, I’m exhausted because she doesn’t want to go to her dad’s. Well, actually, she does want to go but when he comes to pick her up she won’t get in the car because she finds the transition too hard. I told her dad that i’m starting to feel very burned out and I really need him to step up and do everything he can to take her just for the day. Because if she doesn’t go, then she’s crying to me that she misses him.

However, what happens is that I feel he works against me. He just stands there doing nothing and yesterday one of my adult daughters took her to the car because sometimes that actually helps. My adult daughter said the minute she Starts to get upset, he asks her if she wants to go back to me. Why isn’t he trying to reassure her that she’s safe to go with him?

The situation ended up with her screaming and coming back into the house. Then her dad drove off and wrote me a message about how I’m trying to force her to do things and that he’s going to get a psychologist to tell me how wrong I am. He doesn’t listen to a word I say about anything or about the fact that what she actually needs is a community paediatrician. He also said he doesn’t want her to ever try medication. I’m not saying it would be the answer but if a doctor thought it would help I think we should try it because it’s cruel to leave her like this.

im just so exhausted and I feel like he weaponises a difficult situation that already upsets me because I want my daughter to feel better and he uses it against me. I’m autistic too btw.

Is DD’s DF willing to learn more about autism? I think there are 3 possible explanations for asking if DD wants to go back to you. 1) He doesn’t understand much about autism and doesn’t know how to respond. 2) He says it for an easy life. 3) He genuinely thinks it is in DD’s best interests. None are great, but the best response depends on which it is, IMO.

Would it help DD to transition away from the house? For example, via handover in a public place? Or you/someone else dropping her off at her DF’s? Or DF collecting from school?

How is your relationship with DF? Can you stay a while to help ease transition?

What support are you looking for from a community paed? Genuine question. I’m not being funny or sarcastic. Most community paeds with not prescribe medication for anxiety.

Has DD been referred to CAMHS?

How are DD’s eating/drinking and sleep?

What support is the school providing? Does DD have an EHCP?

Has she had EP, SALT and OT assessments?

Have you had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment via the disabled children’s team for DD.

No it’s ok :) see, I must be out of the loop because one of my older children had meds for anxiety, prescribed by the community paed but this was a long time ago.

i don’t know about DD’s dad but he likes to dismiss any of my experiences and say that I’m wrong.

Sometimes we find that if DD’s adult sister takes her to his car at transition times this helps. But at the moment that isn’t working either.

She has been referred to OT and it got rejected so they’ve tried again. We’re trying to gather evidence to apply for an EHCP but the SENCO is concerned that she’s doing so well at school they will reject it. Some of her gross motor issues have also vastly improved in the last year since she’s been doing swimming and dance lessons.

These days it is unusual for community paeds to prescribe meds (antidepressants, beta blockers, etc.) for anxiety. Most won’t.

I would request an EHCNA now. You might have to appeal, but it is possible to get an EHCP. The good thing about an EHCP is things like OT can be included even if DD doesn’t meet the typical NHS threshold locally &/or your ICB doesn’t commission sensory OT on the NHS.

Thanks for your help @scoopofmintchocchipicecream - I appreciate it. I think of course that medication should be a last resort.

Either way, she probably needs a multidisciplinary approach like a lot of autistic kids.

The SENCO has hopefully managed to secure an OT assessment for her in early June.

When medication is prescribed for anxiety, it is usually via CAMHS rather than community paeds.

Ah, ok thank you.