Advice for parenting a 12-year-old with possible autism and PDA

[almostalwayslaura]

My 12 year old daughter went to see a psychologist recently for some health related anxiety and they advised she most probably has autism with PDA profile. I don’t really care about labels but I truly I am struggling with her behaviour at home, she’s fine at clubs and school but at home I am fat, an idiot, ugly, stupid etc. She hits me, screams, throws strops like a toddler and gives me this evil look where I just think ‘how is this my daughter?’
She is an only child and I can’t help but think maybe we have spoiled her to this point? She is truly horrible and difficult to love, getting bigger and problems getting worse as I can see signs of hormones beginning. Any advice would be much appreciated.

I've reported your thread to be moved over to SEN Children because this is the board for neurodivergent adults. You are more likely to get advice from fellow parents of autistic children there.

Concerning your DD, I cannot offer much advice on parenting a SEN child but I can speak from my own experience of being autistic and female.

• She is trying super-hard all day to behave in accordance with societal expectations despite this being very hard for her. When she gets home to her safe place with her safe people, she can finally drop the façade, and she must because she is too exhausted to maintain it. You haven't "spoiled her", she's releasing all the pressure that's built up at school in the one place where it's safe for her to do so.
• Autistic female puberty is traumatic. Your body grows these things on your chest and they wobble when you move, which is really disconcerting. Suddenly, you have to wear this horrid digging-in harness to keep them still. Your uterus aches and leaks blood every month and you have to wear these itchy pads to catch the blood. And your sex hormones kick in, causing aggressive urges that just weren't there before and you can't even name, let alone manage, because alexithymia goes hand-in-hand with autism.
• Men and boys starts looking at you the way a cat looks at a mouse. You don't know how to make them stop, nor how to escape skillfully by using words. You don't know the art of the "soft no" and all that other girl behaviour that your peers are fluent in. There's a 90% chance that you will be sexually assaulted during your life, assuming that it hasn't happened already (I was eight the first time), because you lack these social skills and have spent so much time suppressing the urge to leave uncomfortable situations (like every day at school) that ignoring your intuitive "danger signals" has become automatic. You might not even be able to recognise when you are in real danger from a predatory man until it's too late.

What I found helped me to have a good relationship with my parents was to live alone with a cat. I get home from work or a hobby group and I walk into a space where no one asks me questions or expects anything from me that is more demanding than ear scritches and topping up the food bowl. Can you replicate a zero pressure environment for her at home, even if it's just to suggest that she relaxes in her room for an hour when she gets home instead of getting the "How was school? What do you want for dinner?" Spanish Inquisition that I'd get when I walked in.