Desperately after help parenting ADHD DD

[Exhaustedmum2568]

Desperately after some help with my 6 year old daughter who is currently on the NHS waiting list for an ADHD assessment. We’ve just had a letter through telling us it’s a 55-60 week wait but we’re struggling more and more with her behaviour and desperately looking for support in how to parent her given that standard parenting we’ve applied to our other children just isn’t working.

So far in the first week of the Easter holidays, she’s bitten through an electrical cable ( thankfully unplugged) whilst bored, emptied a pot of paint all over our shed (yes we blame ourselves for not noticing it was unlocked), had multiple wee accidents because she’s too busy, had multiple huge meltdowns when things haven’t gone her way and has just generally been really hard work. Next week she’s meant to be in holiday club because we need to work and don’t get enough leave to cover all school holidays but I’m terrified of leaving her and worried she’ll be expelled anyway if she carries on like this.

Her complete lack of impulse control really scares me and I’m feeling really down about what the future will hold for her. For now I can supervise her like she’s a toddler but how do I manage that as she gets older and wants/needs more independence? What do I do to cover school holidays? Her behaviour impacts hugely on her siblings and I feel like they don’t get a fair share of my attention. No amount of me reminding her what behaviour is expected helps and rewards/consequences are completely ineffective (just has a huge meltdown and then repeats the same behaviour hours later). I feel like she can’t do what her peers do e.g. I don’t trust her to go on a playdate or to any clubs where I’m not there to supervise e.g. rainbows.

Is there anywhere parents can go to get help? I really want to help her (and her siblings).

Some of the things you describe could be related to sensory issues. Do you have any sensory toys/equipment?

A home OT assessment can look at making the house better meet DD’s needs and be safer.

Some people find the books The Explosive Child and the Out of Sync Child helpful. Others find low demand or non-violent resistance resources useful.

For some with additional needs, normal rewards/punishments can actually make things worse.

Have you tried keeping a detailed diary to try to spot triggers?

What support is the school providing?

Have a look at your local short breaks offer.

Some DC have PAs who go to clubs or out with them to give them some independence from parents but still keep them safe.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. We do have some fidget type toys but DD seems generally uninterested in them and I’m not sure how to use them as a tool to prevent destructive behaviour as I’m not sure she’d be aware enough to seek them out in the moment. I’ve also ordered a weighted lap blanket that school have recommended to help when we’re doing things like reading or other ‘still’ activities.

School have been pretty supportive - put in the referral and have provided her with a few aids such as a band round her chair legs, a wobble cushion and a weighted blanket. There have been one or two incidents at school but she’s generally pretty well settled there.

Meltdowns at home are generally triggered by transitions e.g time to go home, time to stop an activity, etc. I do give her warning (have even tried visual timers) but she still reacts strongly. The destructive stuff is curiosity combined with a complete lack of impulse control or, in the case of the cable, absentmindedness.

I have read the explosive child before but felt the techniques were aimed at older children. I tried several times with DD but, although her vocabulary is good, her understanding is less advanced and it just didn’t really work for us. One to revisit in the future though.

If you have the space, I would look at some bigger sensory toys/equipment. Things like a sensory swing, exercise/peanut ball and trampoline. If you don’t have the money, you could look at some grants. I wouldn’t expect DD to be able to independently recognise the signs of building dysregulation and know what to do to regulate, but the sensory equipment will help if you can scaffold support to use them. You can also build sensory activities into everyday life without big sensory equipment. You might find some of the ideas in this booklet, this website and the Occuplaytional therapist’s resources useful.

Other than referral, resistance band, wobble cushion and weighted blanket, what support is the school providing? They should be providing more support. If school if was easier, home life would improve too.

As well as visual timers, have you tried a visual timetable and now and next boards? Have you tried using PDA friendly language? Some find the Declarative Language handbook helpful.

The Explosive Child techniques can be used with some 6 year olds. Although that doesn’t help if DD isn’t at that developmental stage!