Not on the same page as my partner regarding discipline and it's breaking me.

[KittyPi]

Hi everyone. I’m joining because I’m currently at a breaking point and need to find "my people."
I’m a mum to a wonderful, sensitive 7-year-old boy (AuDHD). We’ve had a horrific week with school—he was physically assaulted by older boys, ignored by staff when he asked for help, and ended up in a "fight or flight" meltdown where he kicked a staff member. I’m currently in the middle of a stressful advocacy battle with the school to get them to see the safeguarding failure.
On top of this, I’m feeling completely isolated at home. My husband is very "old-fashioned" and rigid in his thinking. He views my son’s sensory needs and executive dysfunction as "bad behavior" and tells me I’m "coddling" him when I try to scaffold tasks or de-escalate meltdowns.
I’m currently living in a state of high-alert/hypervigilance, struggling with basic self-care, and feeling like I’m the only one "shielding" my son. Just looking for a space where I don't have to explain why "forced struggle" doesn't work or why I'm so exhausted.
Thanks for having me. 🤍

Is it possible there's a middle ground here?

You can't (and shouldn't) have to "shield" your son from everything. He may need accomodations at school and its important to demand these and insist on safeguarding, but that's not a get out of jail free card for behaviour like kicking a teacher.

What an unhelpful response.
He lashed out because he was bullied by older kids, and the lunch time support staff wouldn't let him into the school building, to calm down, which is something the school put in place for times when he is overwhelmed.

I understand.

I'm pretty sure that many people think I 'coddle' my 21 year old, that i always have, and that's why she is sensitive and anxious.

In fact I have just parented the child, now adult, in front of me, and if anything I should have been more nurturing sooner.

Are there any special needs parents groups you could send your DH to? So he can interact with other parents of similar children and learn that actually you can't parent away ADHD?

wrt to @Peridoteage , ideally as he grows your DS will learn / be taught strategies to avoid getting to the place where he wants to lash out, but the school and adults around him currently need to take responsibility for not putting him in those situations.

Thank you.

What support is the school providing (even outside of the current issue)? Does DS have an EHCP?

Is DH willing to read? Would he attend any groups/courses?

OP isn’t using her DS’s SEN as a get out of jail free card. It is ignorant to imply that is what the OP is doing. Of course kicking staff isn’t acceptable. However, it, and the situation prior, needs handling differently. Expecting OP’s DS to respond as a child without his SEN would will only escalate the situation further.

The teachers lucky it was a child that kicked them because of this was my son, I would have done the kicking!!

I think this is quite common @KittyPi

The mums tend to be the ones who understand, do endless research and fight to get the right support in place. And that's even when their dh does understand that it's nervous system reaction rather than poor behaviour.

My dh is likewise quite traditional and has a tendency to approach things from a behaviour management perspective which invariably escalates situations. But he's really trying hard to understand and has improvement hugely over the past few years.

Has he been involved in the meetings you have, any workshops or sessions to help manage parenting a ND child? If he hasn't, then i think you should insist that he does - also any parenting support groups. Realising that we're not alone in our struggles and hearing from professionals and other parents has been instrumental in aiding my dh's understanding. It doesn't come naturally to him, and I'm still very much the planner, the organiser, the battle-fighter, but we're now much more on the same page and our relationship is in a much happier place as a result. He's by my side with all the important bits and understands our dd so much better now.