4.5 year old with violent outbursts – bright, affectionate, but we are really struggling. Advice?

[MilesJonesy]

Hi all,

I’m hoping for some perspective because I feel completely worn down.

My son is 4.5 (turning 5 in September). We’re in Scotland and had planned to defer him starting school, but nursery and the educational psychologist are encouraging us not to, saying he struggles with younger children and may do better with peers. I’m a primary teacher myself and, honestly, right now I cannot see how he would cope in P1.

He is bright, affectionate and imaginative. He tells me he loves me constantly. He plays beautifully at times — shared Lego builds, elaborate pretend games, making “tea parties” for his toys. He can go to the dentist and barbers without issue. Some days he shares and waits his turn no problem. Nursery reports some lovely play entries in his journal (e.g. happily inviting a peer into his game).

Until August he had no major issues at nursery.

But since the summer holidays, we’ve had repeated extreme outbursts — at nursery and at home.

The pattern tends to be 5–6 reasonable days, then 2–3 very hard ones.

When dysregulated he can:
• hit or kick peers or adults
• hit his older brother (almost 7) with toys
• swipe objects off surfaces
• tip things over
• scream “I hate you”
• chase his brother if frustrated

At nursery they sometimes have to remove him from the room because he’s hitting or wrecking things.

At home, it’s usually triggered by frustration — being told no, transitions, sibling conflict. Once calm, he’s remorseful and reconnects quickly. Most of his home meltdowns are short (5–10 minutes), but occasionally we’ve had catastrophic days with multiple episodes.

He does not do well in structured classes. We cancelled football because he just ran around and ignored instructions. Nursery say he no longer sits for welcome time. He refuses to brush his teeth there (does it fine at home).

Language-wise, he has improved a lot but struggles to tell coherent stories about past events and gets frustrated trying to explain himself.

He also has many good days. In the last 10 days he’s had several completely calm ones.

I’m exhausted. I feel constantly on edge at home. My older child has started saying he feels scared when his brother escalates.

I’m not looking for blame or “be firmer” advice — we have very clear boundaries and don’t tolerate hitting. I genuinely want to understand:

• Does this sound like ASD? ADHD? Emotional immaturity?
• Has anyone had a child this explosive at 4–5 who improved?
• Would another year at nursery realistically help, or just prolong it?
• What practical strategies actually helped in real life?

I feel like I’m living two realities — the loving, bright little boy and the child who can flip in seconds.

If you’ve been here, I would really appreciate hearing from you.

Do the boundaries and consequences make a difference? If they don't, and you're applying them consistently, then it could well be that you're parenting a neurodivergent child using behaviour management strategies that are only effective with neurotypical children.

It could be asd, adhd, or both together, or something else. Given the 'spiky' profile you've described though, this isn't uncommon with children who have both. It's uncommon though to get a child of that age diagnosed with adhd.

I would seek referral now if you suspect neurodivergence. It will take some time, as I'm sure you know.

I can't honestly say whether holding him back a year is worth it. I do however have a belief that all children in the uk start school too early, which may exacerbate the problems we see, very early on, among nd children and summer borns in particular.

I have no advice but in the same situation with my 4 nearly 5 year old. She did start school last September and is getting on okay there but at home it’s a totally different story.

This sounds quite similar to DS at that age (though he only had one outburst at nursery). He had very similar triggers - being told no, transitions (even when it was to something he liked such as a bath) and when something didn't happen as expected/hoped.

DS is nearly nine now and the days of extreme, violent dysregulation are a thing of the past. I think he probably is autistic but when he was assessed last year he didn't fully meet the criteria. We just hypothesise that he is and use a fairly low demand approach at home which has been really beneficial.

Eliza Fricker and Dr Naomi Fisher have written some helpful books and offer some low-ish cost online courses for low demand parenting. Pooky Knightsmith is amazing on this too. I know it isn't for everyone but if traditional parenting isn't working it might be worth reading up on it and trying out some strategies to see if they help.

Thanks so much for the advice. Can I just ask, when did it get easier with the meltdowns? It's so hard not knowing how long this will last for.

My advice would be to postpone school. But that’s just mine. If he does 4-6 days ok followed by outbursts it might be overstimulation / burnout and he would benefit from cutting hours at playschool. What was he like as a baby / toddler?

The thing is he acts the same way during the school holidays. It doesn't seem to be directly because of nursery. He was doing full days at nursery, but we cut him to 3 hours instead. It had no effect on the number of meltdowns either there or at home.

He was very calm as a baby and happy to watch the world go buy, and pretty happy go lucky as a 3 year old. It was just as he turned 4 that this all started. The only thing is that time outs / reward charts have never worked for him - not like they did for my older child.

We postponed school start for our somewhat similar child and I am so glad I did. School also told us not to postpone. In the end we have to be guided by our own views and I would say as you are a teacher you are likely to have good instincts here.

Mine now has a diagnosis of both ASD and ADHD and I would pursue referral for the ASD now as it takes a while to get it sorted.

He was referred 6 months ago, I hope it doesn't take too long. 🤞

I want to thank everyone who recommended "When the Naughty Step Doesn't Work". It's the first book I've read that seems to actually fit with my little boy. Sometimes he's quite compliant, but for the times he's not able to be - the advice is invaluable.